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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you move past this?

36 replies

Mrrockandroll · 13/10/2022 21:05

I'm feeling very conflicted at the moment.

Been friends since we were kids. So quite a long time and I don't want to end the friendship but at the same time I think, this isn't a friend and I should just let the friendship fade out.

My brother died recently. He brought me up & we were very close. She made some awful comments to me shortly after he died about him making bad choices, his illness being bullshit and something else, worse, but it's too outing.

I was really upset and came off the call crying. She was too drunk to notice.

I brought it up with her a few days later and she aplogised.

But I am really struggeling to move on from her comments though.

She never sent flowers or a card, i know she doesnt have to but i just felt abit hurt that she didnt really acknowledge my grief. (Apart from when she was comparing it to her break up) She didn't attend the funeral as she couldnt get time off. The day after the funeral was my birthday and she didn't acknowledge it.

I'm nearly 5 months in and things are really hard. I feel really down, i miss him so much and I am having terrible nightmares. (She knows this but doesn't really say much apart from, try to put a brave face on & It will get better ). I have sought help.

I haven't really been in contact with her much recently because I'm finding it difficult to move past this. I don't know if it's.just the way I'm feeling the now though that is making it seem worse than it is.

Could you move on from this? Would you be hurt by all this?

OP posts:
badassbaby · 13/10/2022 21:07

Mrrockandroll · 13/10/2022 21:05

I'm feeling very conflicted at the moment.

Been friends since we were kids. So quite a long time and I don't want to end the friendship but at the same time I think, this isn't a friend and I should just let the friendship fade out.

My brother died recently. He brought me up & we were very close. She made some awful comments to me shortly after he died about him making bad choices, his illness being bullshit and something else, worse, but it's too outing.

I was really upset and came off the call crying. She was too drunk to notice.

I brought it up with her a few days later and she aplogised.

But I am really struggeling to move on from her comments though.

She never sent flowers or a card, i know she doesnt have to but i just felt abit hurt that she didnt really acknowledge my grief. (Apart from when she was comparing it to her break up) She didn't attend the funeral as she couldnt get time off. The day after the funeral was my birthday and she didn't acknowledge it.

I'm nearly 5 months in and things are really hard. I feel really down, i miss him so much and I am having terrible nightmares. (She knows this but doesn't really say much apart from, try to put a brave face on & It will get better ). I have sought help.

I haven't really been in contact with her much recently because I'm finding it difficult to move past this. I don't know if it's.just the way I'm feeling the now though that is making it seem worse than it is.

Could you move on from this? Would you be hurt by all this?

This person is not your friend.
And after making awful comments about your beloved brother after he had died, I wouldn't want to be hers either.
I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️

Justcallmebebes · 13/10/2022 21:08

Yes I would be very hurt by this. Hard times are when you find out who your friends really are and she doesn't sound like a true friend.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope life gets better for you x

Blondewithredlips · 13/10/2022 21:10

Sorry for your loss. She is a horrible person and you deserve better friends in your life.

Original poster
Mrrockandroll · 13/10/2022 21:25

Thank you.

@Justcallmebebes I have been thinking this myself recently, about finding out who my friends are when going though the toughest period of my life. Its very true.

OP posts:
Wayk · 13/10/2022 21:36

So so sorry for your loss. She is heartless. Be good to yourself.

Strangerthings4NW · 13/10/2022 21:40

She’s no friend in any sense of the word, get rid.

Original poster
Mrrockandroll · 13/10/2022 22:19

Thank you

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 13/10/2022 22:22

Nope, not a chance I could or would want to move past this.

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Mrrockandroll · 14/10/2022 11:56

Yes I am thinking that I'm not sure I want to move past this.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 14/10/2022 11:58

So sorry rocknroll, I also couldn’t move past this, would just slowly fade out and stop making any effort as such a long term friend

MatildaTheCat · 14/10/2022 12:07

When my Dad died during the pandemic I was obviously heartbroken and reached out to a friend to ask if she could chat with me the following day. She send back a huge long text giving multiple excuses as to why she was too busy. Things like having to talk to a woman from her slimming club ( who was someone she barely knew) and needing to clean out the hamster.

Our friendship was never the same for me and when we finally fell out over some other batshit stuff of hers I told her what I thought of that episode. Some people really do have a bit missing.

so sorry for your loss. I’d drop her and value the people who do support you. As said above it’s often surprising who is there for you when the shit hits the fan.x

ThrowingSomeCrumbs · 14/10/2022 12:16

I am very very much of the forgive and forget mindset.

BUT. There are a couple of people who said the most unthinking, uncaring things when my father was dying / just after he died that, sorry, I will never forget or forgive as they caused me huge pain at the time. I will be perfectly nice to their faces, but I know, inside, that that's all I'm doing. Being nice to their face. And one day, karma will come and do it's thing.

Americano75 · 14/10/2022 12:20

Get her to fuck. In fact, dm me her number and I'll do it for you. I've been in your position and trust me, you need to surround yourself in nothing but love right now, to support you through this grief.

Sending you so much love, take it a minute at a time.

Original poster
Mrrockandroll · 14/10/2022 12:21

@MatildaTheCat I am so sorry for your loss & that your friend wasn't there for you. Sometimes it is better to drop people who don't bring us any sort happiness & I'm beginning to feel this way. My friend went from wanting to see me the day he died, phoning me when she was drunk to making up excuses not to come through saying she was too tired. It's been a very long friendship but I am really beginning to think, I can't move past this.

OP posts:
Jericha · 14/10/2022 12:23

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother OP. I'd bin her off personally.

Original poster
Mrrockandroll · 14/10/2022 12:25

@Americano75 thank you. Your message has made me smile, laugh & had my eyes fill with tears all at the same time ❤️

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 14/10/2022 12:26

Please get rid of her. I've had multiple threads on here about my 'best friend' since we were 4 and she got so nasty over Covid and said some horrible things to me I had to lose her. It's so hard to let go but I feel better now. I still miss her but she's not the same person any more.

Americano75 · 14/10/2022 12:28

Mrrockandroll · 14/10/2022 12:25

@Americano75 thank you. Your message has made me smile, laugh & had my eyes fill with tears all at the same time ❤️

I lost my brother 21 years this month and how this person has treated you has appalled and disgusted me beyond words. If you need an ear or a shoulder feel free to DM me any time.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 14/10/2022 12:30

Oh and in addition I lost my dad during Covid when I wasn't allowed to see him and she kept saying imagine if your mum died and you hadn't seen her because you were 'keeping her safe'

Pixiedust1234 · 14/10/2022 12:32

I'm sorry for your loss.

My first instinct is to wonder what happened between your friend and your brother. Because something did happen and she can't see him as you can. Maybe he was just mean to her when you were growing up, who knows.

Is she nice and supportive in other areas of your life? If yes then look for grief support elsewhere.

been and done it. · 14/10/2022 12:41

Pixiedust1234 · 14/10/2022 12:32

I'm sorry for your loss.

My first instinct is to wonder what happened between your friend and your brother. Because something did happen and she can't see him as you can. Maybe he was just mean to her when you were growing up, who knows.

Is she nice and supportive in other areas of your life? If yes then look for grief support elsewhere.

None of that matters once someone has died. No-one is expecting her to weep and wail and be a hypocrite about her feelings about him..if she's a friend she should be consoling the OP who loved her brother. That's what it's about, not her perceived or real grievances about a dead person. Bin her she's not your friend.

ArcaneWireless · 14/10/2022 12:49

I am sorry for your loss OP. 💐

Friends are supposed to enrich your life. They should be there (even if just in spirit) in good times and bad. And make you both want to be better versions of yourself for the other.

This person sounds more like someone you know. They don’t sound like a friend. They don’t care about your sorrow. They want it to be all about them and their feelings.

Fade out.

Original poster
Mrrockandroll · 14/10/2022 12:49

Pixiedust1234 · 14/10/2022 12:32

I'm sorry for your loss.

My first instinct is to wonder what happened between your friend and your brother. Because something did happen and she can't see him as you can. Maybe he was just mean to her when you were growing up, who knows.

Is she nice and supportive in other areas of your life? If yes then look for grief support elsewhere.

@Pixiedust1234 just to clarify absolutely nothing happened. There was no bad feeling between her or my brother. I moved into my own house several years ago and she has seen him a handful of times in that time and they were both always pleasant and nice to each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrrockandroll · 14/10/2022 13:24

@Americano75 thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrrockandroll · 14/10/2022 13:26

@teaandtoastwithmarmite that is awful. It can be tough to let go of long term friendships but sometimes it is for the best.

OP posts: