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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents seem to treat my husband differently to BIL

72 replies

TaureanGemini · 13/10/2022 18:27

Hi, I'd like to know what you Mumsnetter's think of this situation. It's not a majorly big deal in the grand scheme of life but it's really niggling at me.

So, I've lived in Scotland with my husband for 18 years. I'm not from there originally but I fell in love with the place and relocated to be with him years ago and we've been happy here ever since.

My sister and her husband live further down south and our parents are in the south east. My sister and her husband have been married for 12 years.

Every year my parents send my BIL a birthday card and present but they have never once sent my husband anything for his birthday.

Although we don't see each other regularly due to the distance, my parents and husband get on well. I never thought to bring it up until now.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit miffed that they ignore his birthday every year whilst making effort for my BIL'S birthday?

Or am I being silly and thinking too much into it and should let the matter go?

Any words of wisdom etc would be appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
Keyansier · 13/10/2022 18:37

This makes you both sound grabby and entitled.

They are closer in relationship with your BIL because they see him regularly. You and your DH live far away so he doesn't see them regularly.

They probably don't even remember when his birthday is tbh. Whereas upcoming to BIL's birthday is likely to come up in conversation on one of their visits there.

so I think YABU.

NameChangeNamaste · 13/10/2022 18:40

Wow! I’d say that first response is rather harsh!! I don’t blame you for wondering if it’s imbalanced and certainly wouldn’t call you grabby for having the thought…

Original poster
TaureanGemini · 13/10/2022 18:45

Thank you for the response.

OK, so it may be a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'. But then, without fail I make sure every family member including in-laws all over the UK get something from us.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 13/10/2022 18:45

Do they not even send a card?

Original poster
TaureanGemini · 13/10/2022 18:46

NameChangeNamaste · 13/10/2022 18:40

Wow! I’d say that first response is rather harsh!! I don’t blame you for wondering if it’s imbalanced and certainly wouldn’t call you grabby for having the thought…

I like to think we're not grabby too ha ha. Like you say, just puzzled by the imbalance 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
CheezePleeze · 13/10/2022 18:46

Maybe your BIL buys something for them?

Maybe he does a lot for them?

Original poster
TaureanGemini · 13/10/2022 18:49

TidyDancer · 13/10/2022 18:45

Do they not even send a card?

Not a thing. No text or anything. They may forget but they remember every other family members birthday and make a conscious effort. Baffled.

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 13/10/2022 18:49

Does your DH buy them a birthday present and a card? Ring them or see them on their birthdays?

FlippertyGibberts · 13/10/2022 18:49

Is there just a birthday list that he hasn't made it onto in error?

Ihatethenewlook · 13/10/2022 18:50

Keyansier · 13/10/2022 18:37

This makes you both sound grabby and entitled.

They are closer in relationship with your BIL because they see him regularly. You and your DH live far away so he doesn't see them regularly.

They probably don't even remember when his birthday is tbh. Whereas upcoming to BIL's birthday is likely to come up in conversation on one of their visits there.

so I think YABU.

I can’t even imagine how much of a piece of shit someone must be to think it’s ok to repeatedly forget their own child’s birthday just because they don’t live by them. Or to think it’s ‘entitled’ to expect an acknowledgment from your own parents on your birthday. Presumably he acknowledges his parents birthday?

AMDB5 · 13/10/2022 18:51

Ask them

Odile13 · 13/10/2022 18:51

How did the situation begin? There are people in my family that I don’t buy for because it wasn’t encouraged at the beginning of the relationship. Perhaps they are simply continuing to do what they’ve always done with regards to presents and it doesn’t occur to them years down the line that it looks like they prefer one over the other. Just a thought!

Keyansier · 13/10/2022 18:52

Ihatethenewlook · 13/10/2022 18:50

I can’t even imagine how much of a piece of shit someone must be to think it’s ok to repeatedly forget their own child’s birthday just because they don’t live by them. Or to think it’s ‘entitled’ to expect an acknowledgment from your own parents on your birthday. Presumably he acknowledges his parents birthday?

Show quote history

They're not his parents.

He's not their child...

Original poster
TaureanGemini · 13/10/2022 18:52

CheezePleeze · 13/10/2022 18:46

Maybe your BIL buys something for them?

Maybe he does a lot for them?

Can't imagine he would. It's my sister that sorts stuff like that. My DH and I always make sure my parents are spoiled on birthdays, Christmas, mothers day, fathers day - so any gifts etc come from both of us.

OP posts:
Bramblejoos · 13/10/2022 18:52

I would say DSis is their favourite so they give a pressie to her DH.
Or is he a real charmer so DM goes out of her way for him.
My DM had a fav SIL.
I would let it go and buy smaller presents for everyone or stop with pressies for adults.

purpleboy · 13/10/2022 18:53

@Ihatethenewlook I think you e misunderstood, it's op's parents treating her dh (their son in law) differently from the other son in law.

Dinoteeth · 13/10/2022 18:53

Ihatethenewlook · 13/10/2022 18:50

I can’t even imagine how much of a piece of shit someone must be to think it’s ok to repeatedly forget their own child’s birthday just because they don’t live by them. Or to think it’s ‘entitled’ to expect an acknowledgment from your own parents on your birthday. Presumably he acknowledges his parents birthday?

Show quote history

I'm reading it as it's their SIL, two sisters and their husbands.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 13/10/2022 18:56

Keyansier · 13/10/2022 18:37

This makes you both sound grabby and entitled.

They are closer in relationship with your BIL because they see him regularly. You and your DH live far away so he doesn't see them regularly.

They probably don't even remember when his birthday is tbh. Whereas upcoming to BIL's birthday is likely to come up in conversation on one of their visits there.

so I think YABU.

OP given your people-pleasing response to this clearly unreasonable response it’s clear to see why you’ve never raised this in 18 years. It’s certainly not a fair situation. Are there other issues that you’ve been ignoring/minimising over the years?

TidyDancer · 13/10/2022 18:57

Yeah YANBU if they don't even do a card. They may possibly have forgotten which is forgivable as a one off obviously, but they could've asked by now.

Dinoteeth · 13/10/2022 18:58

Op I think you should let it slide. I can't see how you bring it up without causing tension.

Could be they see more of BIL,
He does odd jobs for them, waters plants, airport runs, light bulb changer
They see your sister his birthday comes up in converastion.
They feel for him due to background,
Maybe they get invited round for cake on his birthday.

Could be a combination of the above

Justcallmebebes · 13/10/2022 19:00

This does seem unbalanced and I wouldn't be happy, but I think this is something you need to raise with them. I certainly would. Do they exchange Xmas presents?

Goldbar · 13/10/2022 19:01

Do they have much of a relationship with your DH?

Original poster
TaureanGemini · 13/10/2022 19:02

Bramblejoos · 13/10/2022 18:52

I would say DSis is their favourite so they give a pressie to her DH.
Or is he a real charmer so DM goes out of her way for him.
My DM had a fav SIL.
I would let it go and buy smaller presents for everyone or stop with pressies for adults.

Yes I think this is more the case.

Smaller presents from now 🤣

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 13/10/2022 19:05

Does your sister send him a card?

Cats4life · 13/10/2022 19:05

Just ask them, it could just be a stupid oversight or maybe he does do a lot for them and this is how they say thank you- maybe around the house or something?
Or maybe they just dont feel as close to him, however this does still.seem a bit mean