My parents seem to treat my husband differently to BIL

[TaureanGemini]

Hi, I'd like to know what you Mumsnetter's think of this situation. It's not a majorly big deal in the grand scheme of life but it's really niggling at me.

So, I've lived in Scotland with my husband for 18 years. I'm not from there originally but I fell in love with the place and relocated to be with him years ago and we've been happy here ever since.

My sister and her husband live further down south and our parents are in the south east. My sister and her husband have been married for 12 years.

Every year my parents send my BIL a birthday card and present but they have never once sent my husband anything for his birthday.

Although we don't see each other regularly due to the distance, my parents and husband get on well. I never thought to bring it up until now.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit miffed that they ignore his birthday every year whilst making effort for my BIL'S birthday?

Or am I being silly and thinking too much into it and should let the matter go?

Any words of wisdom etc would be appreciated. Thank you.

[PeekAtYou]

Any chance that SIL is buying the gift from her parents ? Or she reminds them to buy something every year?

Yanbu to think that they should at least send a card. Cards are perfect for people that you need to be polite to.

Based on your post I'm assuming that they either like BiL more than your h or they have that fucked up dynamic where they are terrified of falling out with your sister so treat her differently to you who quietly gets things done.I can't believe that you haven't mentioned it in 18 years.

[TaureanGemini]

OK just to be a little clearer, my parents live 5 hour drive away from sister and BIL. They are not close enough to help out regularly etc. However, obviously a lot closer to each other than we are.

[steff13]

@Bramblejoos

I would say DSis is their favourite so they give a pressie to her DH.
Or is he a real charmer so DM goes out of her way for him.
My DM had a fav SIL.
I would let it go and buy smaller presents for everyone or stop with pressies for adults.

This is how it was with my husband's parents and me. Their daughter was the golden child, so her husband was golden by association. To be clear, he was actually a lovely man. But when my husband and I got married, I was never welcomed into the family. It caused a rift that still continues between my husband and his father/stepmother, even though he and I are now separated.

[Calandor]

I see both sides.

They don't really know your husband.

But it's also kind of harsh not to send a card and a little something.

[Keyansier]

What happened on his 30th and perhaps even 40th birthday? Did you mention to your parents beforehand "by the way, it's DH's 30th/40th birthday on XXXXX date"? and what was their response when you said it?

[TaureanGemini]

@PeekabooAtTheZoo

OP given your people-pleasing response to this clearly unreasonable response it’s clear to see why you’ve never raised this in 18 years. It’s certainly not a fair situation. Are there other issues that you’ve been ignoring/minimising over the years?

Yes, how long have you got? 🤣 Only joking. I think I avoid confrontation as much as possible because we hardly see each other so I let a lot of things slide.

[Calandor]

Sorry didn't realise DSis lived 5 hours away not up the road.

Yeah they're playing favourites and it's unfair a

[ChiefWiggumsBoy]

This makes you both sound grabby and entitled

No it doesn’t. Ridiculous comment.

@TaureanGemini why not just ask them? It could be that years ago you or be made a throwaway comment about cards or gifts or something, and your parents just abide by that. Or maybe it is because they don’t know him as well.

Either way, they’re your parents.

[TaureanGemini]

@Keyansier

What happened on his 30th and perhaps even 40th birthday? Did you mention to your parents beforehand "by the way, it's DH's 30th/40th birthday on XXXXX date"? and what was their response when you said it?

Oh I told them and not a thing - which I must point out we don't expect anything but why bother with one and not the other.

[girlmom21]

This was the straw that broke the camels back and finally made me go NC, OP.

they'd always played favourites and DP wasn't bothered but it was too much for me that the people I love were being affected now too, it wasn't just me being treated like shit anymore.

Ignore the first response. He's clearly been bored the last few days as he's always the first response and is generally completely out of order.

[worriedatthistime]

Is it becUse they maybe get invited over on his birthday so take a gift and present ?
If not then mention it just as in oh i didn't realise you bought gifts for Sil as you never do For Dh

[TaureanGemini]

@toomuchlaundry

Does your sister send him a card?

No but we make sure we acknowledge sister's and BIL's birthdays.

[Keyansier]

@TaureanGemini

Oh I told them and not a thing - which I must point out we don't expect anything but why bother with one and not the other.

If you specifically tell them and they still don't acknowledge it rather than possibly just forgetting it due to the distance, then I don't think they like him as much as you think they do. This is deliberate behaviour.

[TaureanGemini]

@girlmom21

This was the straw that broke the camels back and finally made me go NC, OP.

they'd always played favourites and DP wasn't bothered but it was too much for me that the people I love were being affected now too, it wasn't just me being treated like shit anymore.

Ignore the first response. He's clearly been bored the last few days as he's always the first response and is generally completely out of order.

Yeah unfortunately there is a lot of odd behaviour. Sometimes I wonder if it's some kind of punishment for me living up here.

[5zeds]

Ask them. Just say “Why do you give xxxxx birthday presents every year but not dh?” What have you got to lose?

[worriedatthistime]

Sorry missed update where they are also far away
I would just ask or let it go and keep my gifts smaller and also not send to Bil anymore and if asked why say oh I thought we didn't do this as DH never gets a card
Don't understand how parents cannot treat kids fairly
My MIL is the same and then wonders why we are LC and she has zero relationship with dh and out kids

[Potat0soup]

They're probably not buying for their "daughter's husband", but their friend or acquaintance.

You probably don't send a gift from you and a separate gift from DH to your parents do you?

[TaureanGemini]

@worriedatthistime

Is it becUse they maybe get invited over on his birthday so take a gift and present ?
If not then mention it just as in oh i didn't realise you bought gifts for Sil as you never do For Dh

It is my fault. I should have brought this up with them when I found out they were making sure BIL had cards etc. We send cards and gifts to everyone without fail. He is the only one they leave out. They send me things, our kids things but never him. Don't get it. He's a great guy. He says it doesn't bother him but it's starting to niggle at me.

[Potat0soup]

And if not l, why does he expect a gift when he doesn't get the one for your parents it should say.

[BadNomad]

Just ask them why do they never send your husband anything like they do with BIL.

[Happyher]

Is your husband bothered. If not then I would just forget about and put it down to one of those family quirky things. Just out of interest how do you know they get him a card and present every birthday?

[worriedatthistime]

@Happyher but Op is bothered and why do people treat kids differently
I don't get it

[TaureanGemini]

@Happyher

Is your husband bothered. If not then I would just forget about and put it down to one of those family quirky things. Just out of interest how do you know they get him a card and present every birthday?

No he's not to be honest. I feel bad for him and feel like it's maybe a dig at me. My sister tells me.

[TaureanGemini]

@Justcallmebebes

This does seem unbalanced and I wouldn't be happy, but I think this is something you need to raise with them. I certainly would. Do they exchange Xmas presents?

Yes we all exchange Xmas presents.

[Pixiedust1234]

So your own sister doesn't send him a card either? But you send one to BIL?

Time to stop the gifts for adults. Sorry op, it must be tough.