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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What should my daughter do?

46 replies

HappyKoala56 · 13/10/2022 18:18

My DD is 11yo and just started secondary. She has been walking to and from school most days with one girl in particular who lives down the road from us - they didn't know each other before secondary but have become quite close. This girl always appears very confident and DD didn't consider her shy at all. Let's call her Daisy.
There is another girl in DD's class who she has become friends with, let's call her Alice. Alice lives on the way to school - she walks with a large group of friends. Today DD was chatting with Alice and arranged for her and Daisy to walk with the big group tomorrow morning thinking she was doing a good thing by expanding their friendship group. Daisy wasn't present at the time.
DD has called Daisy to let her know and Daisy isn't happy. She says she doesn't feel comfortable walking in a big group. DD has tried to placate her by saying they will just do it this once and see how things go. DD also suggested that she wouldn't leave Daisy's side and that they could walk at the back of the group instead of being very involved in any chats. Daisy isn't budging and doesn't want to walk with this group.
DD doesn't have Alice's number so can't call her to cancel. She is expecting to be met by DD at a pre-arranged meeting spot. If DD doesn't walk with Daisy then she will be walking to school alone and it may harm their friendship. I did suggest that DD meet Alice at the pre-arranged spot in the morning and explain about Daisy, then walk back to meet Daisy. However DD really wants to walk with the big group.
What should she do? To make matters more awkward she has a trip tomorrow and has said she will sit next to Daisy on the bus.

YABU - she should walk with Daisy. As much as their arrangement is reasonably flexible it would be mean to make her walk on her own.
YANBU - DD should be free to make as many friends as she can. She wants to walk with the big group so she should.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2022 18:21

Its a power struggle just say she probably should walk with the single friend on the way to school see how it pans out. Friends are a minefield as they navigate secondary school.

Slimjimtobe · 13/10/2022 18:24

Could you suggest waking only with daisy on the way to school and back with the big group

it’s tough as your daughter doesn’t want to miss out on a big group of friends for the sake of one girl but she doesn’t want to lose that friendship either ?????

Keyansier · 13/10/2022 18:24

She should walk with who she wants. Obviously it's going to be the big group. And didn't secondary school just start about 3 weeks ago? It's not like she's ditching her life long friend who she's known for ages.

Tigertigertigertiger · 13/10/2022 18:24

You need to let your daughter deal with it and not try to advise her / get involved

Hellocatshome · 13/10/2022 18:25

Is Daisy clingy in school as well as on the walk? I would advise DD against letting Daisy keep her from making other friends who knows when Daisy will decide to drop DD. Its best to have a wide circle of friends.

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2022 18:25

Walking back with the group is a good suggestion.

CheezePleeze · 13/10/2022 18:28

Maybe Daisy doesn't particularly like this group?

Your DD should've spoken to Daisy first before deciding for them both that they'd walk with the group.

I think she'll have to explain to Daisy that as she said she'd meet Alice and can't contact her, she'll have to do it and then the ball's in Daisy's court.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 13/10/2022 18:28

Daisy sounds manipulative and possessive. Your DD shouldn’t pander to her.

Original poster

HappyKoala56 · 13/10/2022 18:28

Thank you for the replies. It could work the other way round - walking to school with the big group and walking home with Daisy, however it seems the big group don't all walk home together.

@Tigertigertigertiger of course I'm going to give her my advice. She has come to me with a problem and crying because she doesn't want to upset anyone. Why on earth wouldn't you help your child?

OP posts:

SerenaTee · 13/10/2022 18:28

Your DD should meet Alice as arranged, Daisy doesn’t get to decide who your DD walks with. She’s offered Daisy a compromise which has been rejected. You need to teach your DD that she gets to make her own decisions and not to let her friends decide things for her.

TakeMeToYourLiar · 13/10/2022 18:29

Walk with the geoup

tell single girl shes not letting group hanging waiting for her. She’s welcome to join or they can walk together Monday

oneuptwodown · 13/10/2022 18:37

This is one of those excellent t situations for learning how to deal with social stuff.

In your shoes (which I could very easily be in with my DD!), I wouldn’t advise her as such. Is listen to her articulate her dilemma, really say out loud what her worries and concerns are, and then let her figure it out herself. I bet she will. I bet she’ll come up with a solution that she will be happy with - and that may not even occur to you!

Daisy isn’t being manipulative at all. Some kids don’t like groups. Some kids aren’t self confident, and just prefer smaller groups. Your DD didn’t know this and now she does. Nobody has done anything wrong here.

titchy · 13/10/2022 18:39

Your dd walks with daisy initially but let's her know that as she's promised Alice she'll meet her on the way,
then that's what she's going to do and it would be nice if daisy gave them a chance, but if she doesn't want to that's fine and she'll see her later when she gets to school.

2reefsin30knots · 13/10/2022 18:44

Maybe Daisy knows something about the girls in the group that your DD doesn't. Did they come from Daisy's primary school?

purpleboy · 13/10/2022 18:45

Why can't DD contact Alice? Surely they all have phones?

HangOnToYourself · 13/10/2022 18:50

purpleboy · 13/10/2022 18:45

Why can't DD contact Alice? Surely they all have phones?

Presumably she doesnt have her number

I think the fairest thing is to say she will meet alice as she cant contact her and let daisy decide if she wants to walk to school on her own. I think its important for your DD to set the tone of the friendship that she wont bend to every whim of Daisy's or it could become a pattern

Trez1510 · 13/10/2022 18:56

HangOnToYourself · 13/10/2022 18:50

Presumably she doesnt have her number

Show quote history

Possibly Daisy's parents are saying the same to her i.e. she should not allow OP's daughter make decisions for her on a whim ....

I'm with pp's who think perhaps Daisy is introverted and the idea of a large group is really difficult for her and/or she (or her parents) know something about the group that makes them wary.

HappyKoala56 · 13/10/2022 18:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

girlmom21 · 13/10/2022 19:04

Have you accidentally said the real girls name?

Original poster

HappyKoala56 · 13/10/2022 19:07

@2reefsin30knots I don't think that is the case. DD and Daisy both went to different schools from the big group.

@purpleboy y DD doesn't have Alice's number. There is a class whatsapp group and she isn't on that either.

I did as advised and listened to what DD was saying and it was evident that her decision was to walk with the group. We made a text together to Daisy saying she was still welcome to join and that she still wanted to sit on the bus with her tomorrow etc. And that she is one of her best friends. But said that as she can't cancel her plans with Alice that she has to walk with the group tomorrow. It hasn't gone down well :-(

OP posts:

FistFullOfRegrets · 13/10/2022 19:07

Good decision.

DD needs to be careful not to be sidelined from other groups/friends because Daisy wants her all to herself.

if they hadn't 'found' each other on the walk to school a couple of weeks ago Daisy would have been walking alone anyway. DD isn't her protector or her property.

if DD wants to walk with Daisy some days and others other days, she can and should. Daisy can choose to join in, find other single walkers or walk on her own, that's her choice. Your DD can make her own choices.

id say the same if your DD was Daisy.

Alice/Lyra or some of the others might turn out to be (a) great friends too.💁🏻‍♀️

Original poster

HappyKoala56 · 13/10/2022 19:07

Thank you @girlmom21 my stupid mistake. I've reported my own post

OP posts:

oneuptwodown · 13/10/2022 19:13

Yes, it probably didn’t go down well because to Daisy feels your DD has ditched her and their pre-standing arrangement in favour of Alice. Basically that your DD got a better offer. The Bus thing will feel like a consolation prize to Daisy.

This is all totally age appropriate, from both girls.

NOW is the time to ask your DD how she feels about it all, and what she could have done differently to avoid this outcome. It’s a lot to ask of an 11yo, but not too much. If she really can’t think, ask her to put herself in Daisy’s shoes and reassure her that she doesn’t have to be beholden to Daisy forever onwards and of course she can make other friends too. It won’t take her long to work out that she could have talked to Daisy about all this BEFORE making a commitment to Alice. That would have taken a lot of maturity from your DD to know beforehand, but that’s okay. Lesson learned, no hard feelings, apologies where due and everyone moves on.

Fe345fleur · 13/10/2022 19:17

Hellocatshome · 13/10/2022 18:25

This. DD should make new friends if she wants to. If Daisy doesn't want to that's her choice.

Trez1510 · 13/10/2022 19:17

girlmom21 · 13/10/2022 19:04

Have you accidentally said the real girls name?

Looks that way.

As a fellow introvert, I really feel for Daisy in this situation.

Arrangements being made for me, then being 'placated' when I disagree with the arrangement in which I had no say. Followed by patronisingly being told, by text, I'm 'welcome' to join the large group. The final insult is: oh, I can't cancel plans with Lyra/Alice but my plans with you are cancelled if you don't do as I want.

Btw, even introverts like me can 'shine' in small groups, but struggle in larger groups.

Poor Daisy.

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