What should my daughter do?

[HappyKoala56]

My DD is 11yo and just started secondary. She has been walking to and from school most days with one girl in particular who lives down the road from us - they didn't know each other before secondary but have become quite close. This girl always appears very confident and DD didn't consider her shy at all. Let's call her Daisy.
There is another girl in DD's class who she has become friends with, let's call her Alice. Alice lives on the way to school - she walks with a large group of friends. Today DD was chatting with Alice and arranged for her and Daisy to walk with the big group tomorrow morning thinking she was doing a good thing by expanding their friendship group. Daisy wasn't present at the time.
DD has called Daisy to let her know and Daisy isn't happy. She says she doesn't feel comfortable walking in a big group. DD has tried to placate her by saying they will just do it this once and see how things go. DD also suggested that she wouldn't leave Daisy's side and that they could walk at the back of the group instead of being very involved in any chats. Daisy isn't budging and doesn't want to walk with this group.
DD doesn't have Alice's number so can't call her to cancel. She is expecting to be met by DD at a pre-arranged meeting spot. If DD doesn't walk with Daisy then she will be walking to school alone and it may harm their friendship. I did suggest that DD meet Alice at the pre-arranged spot in the morning and explain about Daisy, then walk back to meet Daisy. However DD really wants to walk with the big group.
What should she do? To make matters more awkward she has a trip tomorrow and has said she will sit next to Daisy on the bus.

YABU - she should walk with Daisy. As much as their arrangement is reasonably flexible it would be mean to make her walk on her own.
YANBU - DD should be free to make as many friends as she can. She wants to walk with the big group so she should.

Ds is a bit of a daisy. Kid he walks to school with has made new friends. Ds thinks they're dicks. He has chosen not to walk to school with the group, but hasn't tried to influence his friend.
He just walks by himself.

Why are you involving yourself in this. Let her work it through!

True but ops daughter has said she will make it a one off but daisy wont budge so she needs to learn to compromise

OPs daughter should not have made plans without consulting her friend and talking it through.

The outcome may well have been the same - Daisy walks on her own, but at least Daisy would have been considered in the process, not an afterthought now that there are bright/new/shiny friends available.

As a pp said, OPs daughter has had a better offer and has, in effect, ditched her friend. Her friend, if she's an introvert like me, will be well aware of the high-handedness, the placating, the patronising and the underlying message OPs daughter has sent her.

Anyone defending OPs daughter's behaviour should, for a moment, step into Daisy's shoes or imagine how their own child would feel in that situation.

Omg no way should she not go with the big group just because someone she’s know a few weeks doesn’t want to. This is how you get stuck with one friend you don’t even like for the rest of your school days and missing out on things/being left out by the rest of the class. No no no. It’s nice to be nice. It’s wonderful you have so much an empathetic girl there but honestly don’t let herself put herself on the peripheral of the year just because of guilt.

Along with this, what example is that setting? What happens when she gets a boyfriend and she wants to break up with him but feels bad for him? Does she stay with him out of guilt??

and you know what? Inevitably Daisy will turn round one day and ditch YOUR kid. And your kid will be left there like wtf?! Cos she’ll have been all nice and self sacrificing for ages and have no other friend and guess what…daisy wont care. she won’t reward her.

i know I sound like a cynical bitch right now haha but I’ve been in this situation. I’ve seen others in this situation. Teach your kid to be kind to others but put themselves first.

I disagree, I think ops daughter should be free to walk with whoever she wants. She hasnt left anyone out and she should have the autonomy to make plans without feeling the need to ask for her friends permission. If the other girl doesnt want to join them then that's fair enough it's her choice, just like its ops daughters choice to walk with the group.
Even if she had asked the other girl it sounds like she would have said no, should ops daughter feel.she can never walk with other people in case it puts Daisy's nose out of joint?

It’s not a question of asking Daisy’s permission, or feeling beholden forever onwards. Those are extreme and rough-and-ready reactions. There are in between ways to manage it all. There are only three people involved here, it’s hardly rocket science navigating the opinions and feelings of three people so that nobody feels bad 😂

Daisy doesn’t want to share your daughter. This happened to me and I was too thick to realize it at 13! I made other friends and still was nice to my ‘daisy’. She eventually came around - we were never as close but we were still friendly.

That's not what I said.

Of course people should have autonomy to make plans. However, assuming your friend will just fall in line with your plans is high-handed at best, imo.

I said OPs daughter should have been considerate of Daisy before she made plans for both of them. I also said Daisy may well have made the same decisions (for whatever reason) to not walk with the group.

For all we know Daisy may have been bullied by the same group in primary school - we are only having one side of the story here ..... kind, thoughtful (?), considerate, empathetic daughter of OP versus the entirely unreasonable, clingy, odd Daisy who is being 'difficult' because she won't fall in with the plans made by the kind, thoughtful etc. etc.

OPs daughter has made her choice, but she treated her 'friend' very badly in the process imo.

Dd can walk to school with the group as she doesn't have a contact and they might be late waiting for her. She can walk home with daisy. She has so to be confident but considerate and she can tell daisy that she loves walking with her but she wants to talk to other friend about xyz and she is welcome to join but understand if not and will meet her to walk home. However you /teen girls do get a bit dramatic! So I don't know how daisy would take it!

The update is that after originally not wanting to speak to DD, Daisy and DD have had a chat and all seems somewhat settled. Daisy is getting a lift to school tomorrow and they are still going to sit together on the trip.

Obviously DD is at fault here for not discussing with Daisy first, I just don't think she could foresee the situation which occurred at all. Daisy really is a lovely child - she's come to my house quite a few times and she is very bubbly and energetic. She didn't appear remotely shy on meeting any of our family for the first time etc and speaks loudly and confidently. I didn't, and obviously DD didn't, think she would ever be shy in a group as she doesn't come across as introverted at all. As much as DD should have spoken to Daisy first she was trying to do them both a good deed - she wasn't trying to ditch her friend at all, merely get them both to know a few more faces. While misjudged her intentions were good.

To those saying 'why are you getting involved, let her sort it out for herself' - SHE CAME TO ME ASKING FOR HELP. Astonished that any parent would suggest sending their child away crying, not knowing how to get themselves out of a situation where someone was going to get upset and genuinely not knowing how to handle it. Of course I'm going to help. I didn't take over, I didn't contact her parents (even though DD asked me to when Daisy originally wouldn't talk to her) and we talked through the different options including how the other girls would be feeling in the different options. It was a learning experience for her, and I think she has learnt the lesson.

It seems like it will all work out. Your daughter and Daisy sound great!

Glad to hear it is resolved and the girls can move forward as friends. 😊

One thing, though, is that my BFFs parents/siblings saw me as an outgoing, friendly, confident person because I knew them very well and was comfortable within their family.

Other friends' parents/neighbours always referred to me as the 'quiet' or 'shy' one.😯

Ah, that’s a lovely update OP. The fact Daisy is getting a lift to school suggests she wasn’t so much wanting to keep your DD to herself as she didn’t want to walk alone or be with unknowns, which she feared she might have to do. So nothing personal to your DD. Fair enough at that age.

Happy to hear both girls being so mature 👏🏼

Your dd should drop daisy who is being controlling.

If you know daisy's mum i would give her a call as daisy is going to make life difficult for herself.

Your dd can walk to school with whoever she wants.

This.

Daisy just doesn't want your daughter to make other friends. I wouldn't encourage her letting Daisy dictate to her.

Ah, saw the update after I posted

This reminds me a bit of an ex best friend of 10 years, she was very loud and extroverted but everything had to be on her terms. She was fine when we were with her friends or mutual friends, but whenever we were with people that she wasn't friends with she used to slag them off and sulk/leave early.
I always felt awkward when introducing her to new people because she would always find something she didn't like about them

Absolutely agree with this. Your daughter should be free to do as she chooses

She's 11, don't be ridiculous

Great update! Im surprised by how much negativity Daisy is getting. I never have, and never will, enjoy large group socialising.