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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for an expensive activity when the original plan was going to be free?

38 replies

Burnt0utMum · 13/10/2022 17:15

DSis said she had a voucher for a free meal and would I like to go with her. I asked her when and she said any day so I said it will have to be the weekend. This is because I work all week and have the kids clubs in the evenings and we live about an hour away from each other so not realistic to do during the week. She booked the day off work herself but then when she tried to book the meal, she was told it was only valid for weekdays. As she already had the day off booked, we both said we should still do something on the day instead of the meal. She is set on an activity that will cost me a lot as I'd have to pay for myself and the 2 kids, plus fuel to get there. She would just be paying for herself so easier for her to justify the cost. It's an activity she enjoys and the kids would enjoy but I would not as it very physical and I will struggle so I told her I'd just begrudge paying so much for something I wouldn't enjoy and suggested a cheaper day out such as a museum and walk around the city centre where there is plenty to see and do at low cost plus no time restriction. She currently doesn't have a car but lives right next to the city centre so this would work well for her to get there and I would only have to drive to one place and back. The activity she wants to do is further out and she's said she can get a lift there but not back, so I feel like I'll also be expected to take her home, which would be in the opposite direction for me. I've tried to explain that I don't want to do it but she just keeps sending me different deals for the same activity, mostly in locations she can't get home from or for prices I'm not willing to pay. AIBU to say she originally invited me for a free meal and, while I don't mind spending some money, I'm not spending loads on a day out I won't even enjoy and if she doesn't want to do something else then we should just forget it?

OP posts:
transformandriseup · 13/10/2022 17:32

I like to plan ahead what I'm going to spend so this would annoy me. You said she had a voucher for a free meal though, was that just for her or would it have covered you and your kids meals too?

Original poster
Burnt0utMum · 13/10/2022 17:38

The voucher would've covered 4 people but it was supposed to be adults only so my DH was going to look after the kids so we could go, possibly with some other family members. But she wants the kids to go to the activity as it's something kids would enjoy.

OP posts:
Keyansier · 13/10/2022 17:47

Can't she take your kids there, but you pay for both of them (assuming kids tickets are 1/2 price than adults it will work out the same cost, albeit more expensive than 'free'.)

AnApparitionQuipped · 13/10/2022 17:50

Too much hassle, I'd forget the whole idea.

Original poster
Burnt0utMum · 13/10/2022 17:51

Adult and child tickets cost the same so it would still be 2/3 of the cost. I wouldn't mind that so much but I will still have to take them, then just wait around for them.

OP posts:
NCAutumn · 13/10/2022 17:55

Of course you're not being unreasonable!

KhaleesiDothraki · 13/10/2022 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster - this has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Imogensmumma · 13/10/2022 18:33

Is the activity something you would have taken to if she had not suggested it?

If it’s something you would do on the weekend or school holidays with DC then go, if not a sorry Dsis that isn’t going to work for me/hard no

Your suggestion of the museum etc sounds lovely

Discovereads · 13/10/2022 18:36

I think you’re being unreasonable tbh.

The activity your Dsis has picked is one that 3 out of 4 people would enjoy.

You are the only one who would “struggle” and not enjoy it so much. So it’s also probably an activity your kids wouldn’t normally get an opportunity to do.

So you are trying to turn the day out into an activity only you would enjoy.

I think that’s a bit selfish tbh.

BadNomad · 13/10/2022 18:37

Can you tell her she can take your kids if she insists on doing this but you're not paying for it. You can treat yourself to a coffee and some peace and quiet elsewhere.

B1pbop · 13/10/2022 18:39

What’s stopping you from saying what you want?

Original poster
Burnt0utMum · 13/10/2022 18:44

Discovereads · 13/10/2022 18:36

I think you’re being unreasonable tbh.

The activity your Dsis has picked is one that 3 out of 4 people would enjoy.

You are the only one who would “struggle” and not enjoy it so much. So it’s also probably an activity your kids wouldn’t normally get an opportunity to do.

So you are trying to turn the day out into an activity only you would enjoy.

I think that’s a bit selfish tbh.

I get that everyone else would enjoy it, but is it not unfair that I have to pay so much for it when I wasn't planning to and will have to do all the driving including giving her a lift back? It originally wasn't even going to be a day with the kids so should've been a day I can enjoy too. If she would've originally said to do the activity, I would've said no. I only agreed to do something different because she's got the day booked off now and she didn't want to waste it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnt0utMum · 13/10/2022 18:46

BadNomad · 13/10/2022 18:37

Can you tell her she can take your kids if she insists on doing this but you're not paying for it. You can treat yourself to a coffee and some peace and quiet elsewhere.

I quite like this idea. Maybe she will change her mind when she realises the cost triples when you have to pay for the kids as well as yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnt0utMum · 13/10/2022 18:50

B1pbop · 13/10/2022 18:39

What’s stopping you from saying what you want?

I've said what I want a couple of times but she seems to gloss over it and come back with another place for the same activity. These are either too far for her to get home from so I'd have to do a lot of extra driving or the one near her is far too expensive for me. I've told her I don't like this activity and it costs too much, also haven't offered her a lift back, so she has said she can't get home. I've offered an alternative too but would be flexible to anything that's not so expensive. She is just set on this activity so is basically ignoring my thoughts and just trying to make me give in.

OP posts:
B1pbop · 13/10/2022 18:53

What do you want in terms of how she’s communicating with you though? Perhaps you need to spell that out eg

‘I’ve given you my answer, please stop persisting’
’Please stop ignoring what I’ve already told you’
’I’ve already explained I won’t be doing that, and won’t be engaging in any more conversation about it’

Ihatethenewlook · 13/10/2022 18:58

Discovereads · 13/10/2022 18:36

I think you’re being unreasonable tbh.

The activity your Dsis has picked is one that 3 out of 4 people would enjoy.

You are the only one who would “struggle” and not enjoy it so much. So it’s also probably an activity your kids wouldn’t normally get an opportunity to do.

So you are trying to turn the day out into an activity only you would enjoy.

I think that’s a bit selfish tbh.

How on earth is it selfish?? The original day out was meant to be for the op and her sister, the kids weren’t even supposed to be there. Now that’s turned into her sister doing an activity with the op’s kids, which the op is not taking part in but is now expected to pay for, plus go out of her way to transport her sister. I’d be pissed off with the change of activity to one I’d like to one I’d hate, a large unexpected cost, plus the kids getting invited and taking my place in an activity which was meant to be for me!

Discovereads · 13/10/2022 19:01

Burnt0utMum · 13/10/2022 18:44

I get that everyone else would enjoy it, but is it not unfair that I have to pay so much for it when I wasn't planning to and will have to do all the driving including giving her a lift back? It originally wasn't even going to be a day with the kids so should've been a day I can enjoy too. If she would've originally said to do the activity, I would've said no. I only agreed to do something different because she's got the day booked off now and she didn't want to waste it.

Show quote history

Sorry, I thought that the original meal out on the weekend included the kids.
Obviously, if you genuinely cannot afford the new plans that is one thing.
I just got the impression it was more about not wanting to pay to do something that you wouldn’t enjoy even though your sister and your kids would enjoy it.

Relocatiorelocation · 13/10/2022 19:03

So you're suggesting she spend her booked day off walking around the city she lives in, which presumably she's done a thousand times, bit of a Busmans holiday really, I can see why she wants to do something else.

Relocatiorelocation · 13/10/2022 19:04

So you're suggesting she spend her booked day off walking around the city she lives in, which presumably she's done a thousand times, bit of a Busmans holiday really, I can see why she wants to do something else.

jewishmum · 13/10/2022 19:06

Burnt0utMum · 13/10/2022 18:50

I've said what I want a couple of times but she seems to gloss over it and come back with another place for the same activity. These are either too far for her to get home from so I'd have to do a lot of extra driving or the one near her is far too expensive for me. I've told her I don't like this activity and it costs too much, also haven't offered her a lift back, so she has said she can't get home. I've offered an alternative too but would be flexible to anything that's not so expensive. She is just set on this activity so is basically ignoring my thoughts and just trying to make me give in.

Show quote history

She's ignoring you so you really need to explain what your boundaries are and what will happen if she continues to ignore them.

I.e.
I don't want to do that activity and I'm not up to driving there/back, so please stop sending me messages about it unless you have found somewhere you can get yourself and the kids to and from.

If you keep on about places that are too far away then I will mute you for the rest of the day.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 13/10/2022 19:08

Discovereads · 13/10/2022 18:36

I think you’re being unreasonable tbh.

The activity your Dsis has picked is one that 3 out of 4 people would enjoy.

You are the only one who would “struggle” and not enjoy it so much. So it’s also probably an activity your kids wouldn’t normally get an opportunity to do.

So you are trying to turn the day out into an activity only you would enjoy.

I think that’s a bit selfish tbh.

It’s not a democracy though, they’re not voting, it’s OP’s bank account that’s funding 3 out of 4 of them.
I mean if three people just said to you, we want to do a thing and it’s really expensive, you’re paying and you have to come too even though you don’t want to, would you seriously agree and pay and spend petrol money to drive there?

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 13/10/2022 19:09

OP is there maybe a better activity you could all do that everyone would enjoy without breaking the bank?

Shinyandnew1 · 13/10/2022 19:13

I can totally see your point of view! Tell her you don’t want to spend £x (work it out) for three of you to do something you hate so you won’t be going.

A580Hojas · 13/10/2022 19:20

OMG such a long OP.

Can't you just say to her Iit was a lovely idea when it was a freebie but it's not now and I just can't justify spending the money for me and the kids. Plus I hate that activity. Sorry. Love you xx"

Bluetrews25 · 13/10/2022 19:20

So she wants you to pay for an expensive activity that you don't want to do, and be an unpaid taxi driver for her? But she will give you a lunch, from a voucher that she probably didn't pay for?
Yeah, she wanted company and transport.
There's no such thing as a free lunch, clearly.

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