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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DS sleep at his friends in the week?

28 replies

fusionnn · 13/10/2022 10:31

DS18, has college a few days a week. Last night, I let him sleep at his friends as I trusted him to go to college today as the friend also has college today but he doesn't go regularly. He hasn't gone today and when I asked him why he said they woke up late and he ‘couldnt be bothered’ to go.

WIBU to say no sleepovers on weekdays?

OP posts:
viques · 13/10/2022 10:34

He is 18. He is an adult. He can decide for himself where he is sleeping, he doesn’t need your permission. If he can’t get himself up to go to college then he is the one who will have to explain to the college why he was absent.

SalviaOfficinalis · 13/10/2022 10:35

I would say no sleepovers on week nights. Yes “he’s 18” but he’s still in the education system and living at home, not functioning as an independent adult.

Oceans12 · 13/10/2022 10:35

Who's funding his college education OP ?

Katyrosebug · 13/10/2022 10:37

He's an adult, you have no say in what he does

N4ish · 13/10/2022 10:37

When I just saw the title of your post I thought you were going to be talking about a primary age child! In that situation I'd agree with you 100% about not allowing sleepovers on school nights but 18 year olds have to take responsibility for managing their own time. You can warn him about the consequences of missing lots of College but don't think you can actually put your foot down on this.

Whinge · 13/10/2022 10:37

DS18, has college a few days a week. Last night, I let him sleep at his friends

Let him? Confused

I understand the frustration that he missed college but he's 18, an adult. He needs to learn from his mistakes, and face the consequences of missing college. YABU to think you can let him or ban from sleeping at a friends, he's not a child and he doesn't need your permission.

Discovereads · 13/10/2022 10:38

YANBU to ask/suggest no midweek sleepovers. But as he is 18, he is free to ignore you.

Original poster
fusionnn · 13/10/2022 11:11

College is free as he's not long turned 18, and yes he is 18 but he's still in college education and living with me so he's not really an adult yet. He is doing an apprenticeship as well but he has odd days off when with this friend as I said in my OP, the friend rarely goes to college so they probably won't let him stay doing it for much longer.

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 13/10/2022 12:28

Hes 18, he may not behave like it , but he's an adult.

KangarooKenny · 13/10/2022 12:29

He is an adult.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/10/2022 12:30

Let him? wtf he is an adult.

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 13/10/2022 12:31

He's an adult, if he doesn't go and gets kicked out that's on him not you.

Isithotinhere · 13/10/2022 12:33

He's not really an adult - his brain won't be fully developed for a few years so he needs guidance to make the right decisions and not throw his opportunities away.

mumonthehill · 13/10/2022 12:34

The conversation to have is that while he is in education you support him etc but if he chooses not to attend and gets kicked out he will be expected to get a job and financially contribute to the household. You cannot stop him staying at a friends at 18 nor can you make him go to college. You encourage him to go but he needs to understand your expectations if he ends up failing the course.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/10/2022 12:35

Isithotinhere · 13/10/2022 12:33

He's not really an adult - his brain won't be fully developed for a few years so he needs guidance to make the right decisions and not throw his opportunities away.

How can someone 'not really be an adult'? He is 18 years old which is an adult!

MRSE20 · 13/10/2022 12:37

I don’t think you can stop an 18 year old from staying at his mates if he wants too, if I’m honest. But I would definitely expect my parents to be concerned and talk to me about the importance of not missing college. At 18 he can make his own choices on education and if he fails it is on him with the consequences

cathycake · 13/10/2022 12:39

He may be 18 but if he lives under your roof he should play by the rules. The rules are up to you and Im sure your level headed and want whats best for his future

Im with you OP - although technically an adult this is the age they need a bit more prompting

You can try another sleepover but only on the condition that he attends college the day after. Meet him halfway to see if he will do that. If he doesn’t - no sleepovers

Tillow4ever · 13/10/2022 12:41

viques · 13/10/2022 10:34

He is 18. He is an adult. He can decide for himself where he is sleeping, he doesn’t need your permission. If he can’t get himself up to go to college then he is the one who will have to explain to the college why he was absent.

Except in the eyes of UK law, it's the parents responsibility to ensure the student attends college now that you have to be in education until you're 18.

FlorettaB · 13/10/2022 12:46

’you have to be in education until you're 18.’

And he is 18 now so the OP is not legally responsible.

Greyarea12 · 13/10/2022 23:17

Let him stay at his friends for a sleepover? You are speaking about him as if he 8 years old. At 18, I.hope he isn't sending messages saying, can I have a sleepover with David tonight please?

At the end of the day he chooses to go to college, its not mandatory by law. If he doesn't turn up then he faces the consequences. How else is he going to learn that bad decisions affect his future. As an adult, he needs to learn the way of the real world on his own & that actions have consequences., the consequences being he falls behind or is kicked off the course. Then he learns from that and learns not to make those mistakes again. That's called growing up and learning from mistakes.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 13/10/2022 23:23

‘Except in the eyes of UK law, it's the parents responsibility to ensure the student attends college now that you have to be in education until you're 18.’

Yes technically they should be but there’s no-one enforcing it. No fines. No EWO.

Pumpkintopf · 13/10/2022 23:25

He's not an independent adult financially independent and living in his own home. Op I definitely wouldn't be allowing weekday sleepovers.

CloudSunLeavesCoud · 13/10/2022 23:27

So at this age it would be more about talking to him about why college is important etc etc. You can suggest no sleep overs during the week but it’s up to him. You really need to be advising and allowing him to be independent not telling him. Allow him to grow up even if he makes mistakes.

Saracen · 13/10/2022 23:31

Tillow4ever · 13/10/2022 12:41

Except in the eyes of UK law, it's the parents responsibility to ensure the student attends college now that you have to be in education until you're 18.

Show quote history

Not true. The parent's responsibility ends when the young person ceases to be of "Compulsory School Age" at the end of Y11. After that, it is the young person who has a duty to remain in education or training until their 18th birthday - but even that is a theoretical responsibility, as no penalties for noncompliance have been enacted.

Oceans12 · 14/10/2022 04:34

@MeowMeowPowerRangers He's an adult, if he doesn't go and gets kicked out that's on him not you.

And then you have a non-productive 18 year-old hanging about the house.

It's difficult to get a job with a reasonable salary when you have few qualifications.

We've already had a thread about an 18 y.o. girl who spends days in bed with her pothead boyfriend.

A bit of "tough love" is needed here methinks...

How does he fund his mobile OP ?