My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

The irony of a sexless marriage thread

27 replies

Relocatiorelocation · 12/10/2022 21:11

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could ask when courting "will you want to be shagging in your 40s, and how often"?

So many threads on here with women sad their husbands no longer want sex, and then me and many of my girlfriends feeling we'd be delighted to not bother ever again. I read the sexless marriage threads and am green with envy.

Maybe we could set up a swap shop? A horny husband for a not bothered one?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

106 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
30%
You are NOT being unreasonable
70%
TheSausageKingofChicago · 12/10/2022 21:16

If anyone has a nice horny one, I’ll happily take him off your hands. I don’t even have a husband, so you won’t have to put up with any farting, complaining or other annoying habits in return.

I also think there should be a kind of Tinder for other things, like swipe right for someone to mow the lawn, fix the car, put a curtain rail up or do the tax return.

X6hfyib4ms · 12/10/2022 21:30

Agree, it would be much better if people could be more honest with themselves and their partners about this.

I find a healthy sex drive a turn on and find repeatedly having to make the first move quite draining.

Two serious relationships including my failed marriage, the man's sex drive petered out in both cases.

Relocatiorelocation · 13/10/2022 14:12

@X6hfyib4ms if you date again will you be bringing this up right at the start?

@TheSausageKingofChicago why aren't you getting any sex if you want it? Sex with a non husband is much more fun than sex with a husband I think 😂

OP posts:
Lizneedsamotto · 13/10/2022 14:17

But surely this is exactly why Married People 'Dating' sites exist? So husbands who want sex, with wives who don't, can get sex from wives who want sex but who are married to husbands who don't (or whom they hate but can't afford to divorce).

ThisMustBeMyDream · 13/10/2022 14:21

If only we could predict our sex drives, huh?!
Mine is reasonably high for a late 30s woman with primary age kids. My other half is far lower. I don't think either of us could have known 5 years ago how it would go.
I have had relationships where I had zero sex drive at all. Currently I'd like it 3 times a week. I just don't know what the answer is tbh!

Topgub · 13/10/2022 14:22

Surely you could apply this to any aspect of a relationship?

Will you turn out to be a crabbit old bastard in your 40s?

SavoirFlair · 13/10/2022 14:51

I think this is a very astute post albeit it assumes everyone stays the same over time.

I think there are a fair few number of women who view sex with excitement as part of the bonding phase with a new partner when younger, and yet they have very little visualisation or self-realisation in the way of their own sexuality.

so what you end up with is once the years go by, the kids are here, they’re a bit older, they no longer want all that “huffing and puffing” because they were never sexual beings in the first place with a proper sex drive.

They were people wanting affection, to be desired, initial “mating” intimacy. But not sex in the way some of us need it because it’s part of our identity.

those people in particular may then suffer a fair bit with mismatched expectations when they say “nah I’d rather have a cup of tea and watch Netflix” and their DP still views the relationship as deserving a sexual dimension.

Mischance · 13/10/2022 14:54

The absence of a crystal ball is the main stumbling block here. How would anyone know what their libido might be like in 20 years time?

I take issue with they were never sexual beings in the first place with a proper sex drive - there is no such thing as a proper sex drive - it varies between individuals. It is the mismatch that is the problem.

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/10/2022 14:58

Yes if you could predict things like that for the future it would be great! But i agree I would like to know the estimated grumpy factor as well as sex drive, lol.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 13/10/2022 15:01

If only we all just stayed exactly the same for the entirety of a relationship, eh?

God I find this such an immature post.

I would be willing to bet in almost every case where a woman's sex drive has wound down, they are in the thick of pregnancies/breastfeeding/raising small children. Quite apart from the hormonal impact of these huge life events, that is a LOT of physical intimacy - not sexual maybe but the constant accessing and using of your body does influence how much you seek and enjoy physical closeness elsewhere (or it can). Children can often be a bone of contention between parents - tiredness olympics, mismatched expectations, resentment, feelings of being misunderstood. None of this is good for a sex life predicated on trust and emotional intimacy, which shoot me I think many women in a LTR are more interested in than just scratching an itch.

Something that drives me livid is the idea that when women go off sex in these circs, they never really liked it and were just 'pretending' to secure intimacy and a LTR. It's such a ham-fisted, unsubtle POV.

MissConductUS · 13/10/2022 16:41

My DH went off sex in his late 40's. It turned out to be low testosterone, which is quite common for men that age. Once he went on HRT, he wanted sex again. Having low testosterone puts men at higher risk of heart disease, so it's not just about sex.

CrushingAndClueless · 13/10/2022 16:47

I probably have sex about 2-3 times a week but I never have the urge for it. I could quite happily go without it.

I really enjoy having sex with my DH but the desire for it has long gone.

I would say that 90% if the time it is initiated by him which probably does bother him, but we have talked about it and he understands that I may not have the desire for sex that I used to, I do still really enjoy it when we do have it.

DarkShade · 13/10/2022 17:06

I actually agree with you, mainly because I think it's good to establish early on the habit of discussing things like this.

But in reality, it's impossible to tell what the future holds, it depends on so many things. Key ones are: both physical and mental health; tiredness; other commitments; hormonal change; change in the relationship.

In my case, my initially nice relationship went to shit in general, and that side of things also took a dive. Neither of us wants to sleep with someone that they don't get on with. And I think it's very hard to predict that at the start of a relationship.

Olinguita · 13/10/2022 19:00

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 13/10/2022 15:01

If only we all just stayed exactly the same for the entirety of a relationship, eh?

God I find this such an immature post.

I would be willing to bet in almost every case where a woman's sex drive has wound down, they are in the thick of pregnancies/breastfeeding/raising small children. Quite apart from the hormonal impact of these huge life events, that is a LOT of physical intimacy - not sexual maybe but the constant accessing and using of your body does influence how much you seek and enjoy physical closeness elsewhere (or it can). Children can often be a bone of contention between parents - tiredness olympics, mismatched expectations, resentment, feelings of being misunderstood. None of this is good for a sex life predicated on trust and emotional intimacy, which shoot me I think many women in a LTR are more interested in than just scratching an itch.

Something that drives me livid is the idea that when women go off sex in these circs, they never really liked it and were just 'pretending' to secure intimacy and a LTR. It's such a ham-fisted, unsubtle POV.

This. Exactly this.

Relocatiorelocation · 13/10/2022 20:11

Of course my op was tongue in cheek, no one can accurately predict their libido in 20 years.

I do fully understand there are a hundred or more things impacting on your libido, for me if my relationship is going well I'm not exactly more horny, but definitely more agreeable to sex in the spirit of keeping everything harmonious and happy. If we're in a rough patch my sex drive is gone out the window.

But aside from life's ups and downs I think some people are just shagged out and ok with that at 45, others are reaching a peak and want lots of sex. It just seems unfair and ironic that people woth such mismatched desires might have an otherwise wonderful relationship and this be a source of unhappiness.

OP posts:
Flowerpower36 · 13/10/2022 20:14

Christ. No wonder none of your partners want to shag you, judging by your attitudes towards them and men in general!

Lockheart · 13/10/2022 20:40

It's a tricky one to judge. I would classify myself as a highly sexual person and this has not changed for many years. Sex has always been a crucial aspect of a relationship for me.

However, would it change if I had a partner who wasn't interested in satisfying me, would it change if I was injured, would it change with age, or if I had children? Very possibly. So I can't guarantee that I will always have the libido I have now.

I think being aware of that and having a partner you communicate well with is the key here. Libidos can come and go. The important thing is to recognise when you and your partner are no longer aligned and take steps to address that, where possible.

CoveredInCobwebs · 13/10/2022 20:59

Well, your post made me laugh OP. I don't want to swap my husband for another one but if I could wave a magic wand and align our sex drives, I certainly would!

Davy009 · 17/10/2022 00:19

like most things, I think it is all down to communication, otherwise resentment can set in, I find my wife immensely attractivem in both a sexual and non sexual way, I've always had a sigher sex drive, but we accept that, and it's in the open, she know's I'll never say no - lol. But seriously, she is more than happy for me to take matters into my own hands, and sometime tells me to (in a non agressive way) we are all different, and I think there's a danger that we all think everyone else is at it all the time. Some of her friends have higher drive than their husbands, as long we its out in the open, it works ok

LicoricePizza · 17/10/2022 00:35

Tout ca change.

Illness, stress, hormones, sleep quality, kids, fitness, mood all affect libido.

Who knows what will happen? It’s basically a gamble.

Nobody thinks it’ll happen to them til it does IMO.

Oliverfunyuns · 17/10/2022 01:32

It would be great to be perfectly matched, in every way, throughout your whole life with your partner or spouse, but that's the stuff of romance films and fantasies.

I'd rather have mismatched libidos than mismatched values and dreams for the future, and I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who cared more about their libido being satisfied than about all the other aspects of our lives together.

TomPinch · 17/10/2022 01:54

Sometimes people go off sex.
Sometimes they go off sex with a specific person.

MangyInseam · 17/10/2022 02:04

I mean, sure, it would be great if people's sex drives etc matched up later in life, but most people don't really know what will happen by then.

MangyInseam · 17/10/2022 02:11

SavoirFlair · 13/10/2022 14:51

I think this is a very astute post albeit it assumes everyone stays the same over time.

I think there are a fair few number of women who view sex with excitement as part of the bonding phase with a new partner when younger, and yet they have very little visualisation or self-realisation in the way of their own sexuality.

so what you end up with is once the years go by, the kids are here, they’re a bit older, they no longer want all that “huffing and puffing” because they were never sexual beings in the first place with a proper sex drive.

They were people wanting affection, to be desired, initial “mating” intimacy. But not sex in the way some of us need it because it’s part of our identity.

those people in particular may then suffer a fair bit with mismatched expectations when they say “nah I’d rather have a cup of tea and watch Netflix” and their DP still views the relationship as deserving a sexual dimension.

I can't think of many worse ideas than making sex part of your identity, no matter how much you like it.

missmamiecuddleduck · 17/10/2022 02:37

I had a very high drive well into my 40s.
1st DH started off good then his dwindled down to 2x a year. I attribute that to his heavy drinking.

2nd DH started off good. Then he was less interested. After a move we were both good again for awhile. Then less interested. Menopause came and things became painful and I had zero drive. Then the less I wanted it the more he did.

We a bunch of hormones designed to reproduce

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.