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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just be put out that my won’t my mum help me?

41 replies

Justnosing · 12/10/2022 18:22

I’d like to start by saying I KNOW grandparents aren’t free childcare and I KNOW nobody has to do anything for anyone else.

but my god it’s wearing very thin…

my mum has always been very overbearing with myself and siblings, and was very interfering in my pregnancy (reduced me to tears on several occasions by demanding and insisting attending scans, having dd overnight from 2 weeks old etc) I stood firm and told her she couldn’t attend scans as it was something special for me and DP, and that I wouldn’t be comfortable allowing a new born to spend the night for multiple reasons.

anyway, fast forward to now DD is almost 4. My mum will NEVER help me out with childcare. DD is in preschool full time. But for example If I ask her to mind dd for a couple of hours on a Saturday for or Sunday for work purposes, it’s an absolute no she’s “too busy” (usually with my other siblings) or “doesn’t have a minute to spare”. Bearing in mind I do only ask her if I’ve absolutely exhausted all other options. It’s not often that I ask her for help, im talking maybe once every 2 months maybe less.

for context she does not work, doesn’t have any hobbies (although teenage siblings have clubs), doesn’t particularly socialise. I give plenty of notice when I ask (sometimes months) and it’s always no. I suppose it wouldn’t bother me as much if she hadn’t caused such a stir with her demands of HAVING to see DD at least 3 times a week when she was little (I used to go and see her during Mat leave often) and if I don’t take Dd to see her frequently now she accuses me of “keeping her away” and cries saying she’s not saw her in ages. Both of which are absolutely not the case.

A while back she insisted that DDs (part time) nursery was not good enough for her and that I ought to remove her from their care as she would HAVE to step up and be my childcare. I said I don’t think that would be wise developmentally, but I would be happy to pay her if she’d have DD for a morning or pick her up a day or two. She said This wouldn’t be possible as “she had too much on” and couldn’t possibly charge me for childcare.

I just can’t win I’ve just never known someone to be so insistent on having a close relationship, but also so determined not to “babysit”. WIBU to say something? How would I approach it? Not to drip feed but she can be quite explosive if she feels like she’s being attacked (attacking her is usually me voicing any sort of opinion)

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/10/2022 18:25

That sounds exhausting, OP. Do you think talking would get you anywhere? Might it be time to lower expectations, sad as that is?

Smartiepants79 · 12/10/2022 18:34

If things are truly exactas you say then you are never going to win these battles.
Stop asking for help as she’s clearly never going to say yes.
BUT also you need to get tougher and not fold when she ‘demands’ things you don’t want to give.
She shouldn’t get to demand and dictate anything to do with your daughter if she’s not going be there for her when you need her to be.
It sounds to me like your going to have to pull back a bit here.
I’m a huge supporter of grandparent relationships and believe a good grandparent is invaluable and actually entitled to some opinions and rights when it comes to their char child. Your mum doesn’t sound like a good grandmother though!!

Aprilx · 12/10/2022 18:36

I agree with previous poster, that you need to stop asking for help and at the same time stop her interfering in other areas.

Just as a bit of an aside, maybe she does want a close relationship, but in terms of visits rather than as a babysitter.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2022 18:40

She sounds exhausting.

Are your teenage siblings old enough to babysit (for money) when you need help?

I wouldn’t bring it up with her unless she moaned again about not seeing DD or wanting to spend more time with her. Then I’d tell her as calmly and neutrally as you can “But, Mum, whenever I ask you to babysit you’re never free.”

She probably will explode at you. Your job isn’t to stop her exploding, though. Your job is to tell the truth as pleasantly yet firmly as possible.

Windtunnel · 12/10/2022 18:42

How annoying!! What's really going on here I wonder?
Do you feel hurt as her daughter, there must be some deep seated history here.
Anyway enough of the cod psychology, I'd personally throw my toys out of the pram and tell her she's being a useless GM, and list everything she does for your sibs and ask her to pull her socks up.
Then prepare yourself for the fall out.

FayeGovan · 12/10/2022 18:42

She sounds like a stroppy teenager.
Has she never actually grown up??

You need to stop pandering to her and start ignoring her.

Arenanewbie · 12/10/2022 18:44

I think she is controlling and want things to be on her terms. She doesn’t want to do what YOU are asking as she wants to do only what SHE wants to do. My Mum is like this. it’s hard.
Does she see your daughter a lot and involve in her life e.g birthdays , trips out you all together, visits to yours?

5128gap · 12/10/2022 18:51

I bet when she's talking to her friends it goes something like:
'Its all on their terms. I wasn't allowed to be involved with the scans or having her as a baby, and they never want my opinion, but its different if they want a babysitter. If they think they can just use me when it suits them, they've another think coming...'
Totally unreasonable but I bet that's how she thinks. People who are intrusive and controlling are often all or nothing like that.
The only way you'll know though is to ask her. Tell her after she was so keen to be involved you're surprised she never wants to babysit and is there a reason?

QuitWhileAhead · 12/10/2022 18:53

Is it because she thinks your partner should be available? If you are working on Saturday ,owning is he also working?

QuitWhileAhead · 12/10/2022 18:54

How about offering to trade a chore. For every hour babysitting you or your partner could do some gardening or something.

Summerfun54321 · 12/10/2022 18:57

5128gap · 12/10/2022 18:51

I bet when she's talking to her friends it goes something like:
'Its all on their terms. I wasn't allowed to be involved with the scans or having her as a baby, and they never want my opinion, but its different if they want a babysitter. If they think they can just use me when it suits them, they've another think coming...'
Totally unreasonable but I bet that's how she thinks. People who are intrusive and controlling are often all or nothing like that.
The only way you'll know though is to ask her. Tell her after she was so keen to be involved you're surprised she never wants to babysit and is there a reason?

This 100%, you’re paying the price for not bowing down to your DMs wishes. She sounds like a self centred drama queen.

FayeGovan · 12/10/2022 18:57

I suspect if the op asks her mum it turns into a major drama with the op having to back down every time to keep the peace

Original poster
Justnosing · 12/10/2022 19:02

Thank you for the replies. There’s some interesting, and accurate, points made. (I’m new sorry so can’t quite figure out how to reply individually)

but yes, I think there are deeper routed issues. One being she had me quite young so I’ve always felt as though she’s resented me “getting on” in life as I’ve been fortunate enough to do and experience things that she never could, and live a really good life. I often wonder if that could be why, she has thrown it in my face a few times over the years. Obviously all examples come with backstories so I wouldn’t want to get into it all.

With regards to DP, he does shift work so we are fortunate that he has a lot of time off. As I said, I only ask my mum if I’ve exhausted all other options (DP working, his mum working, etc). My mum is the only relation of ours that doesn’t work.

to the poster that said are siblings old enough, one is, but has a range of SN that would mean she couldn’t deal with a toddler tantrum or manage to clean a mess up after her (think moderate autism and severe ocd) Although my mum has suggested it would be more than fine as she could just “watch her”

OP posts:
Original poster
Justnosing · 12/10/2022 19:04

Oh also just to be clear I do buy small “thank you gifts” when she’s helped me out in the past. Nothing ott just nice chocolates, wine etc. and I do favours for her too. I don’t want to sound entitled so I just thought I’d add that

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 12/10/2022 19:06

Just stop asking. Seriously. Who would you ask if she lived abroad for example? I asked my mil once for help, my own mother about 5 times. I've survived. You can too if you start thinking practically and not emotionally.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 12/10/2022 19:08

My mum's a bit like this. Always on her terms.

Roselilly36 · 12/10/2022 19:11

Sounds a bit like my mum, who was only ever interested in tiny babies, lost interest once they start moving around and become little people.

Brunilde · 12/10/2022 19:11

Of course you're not unreasonable. I don't understand the mumsnet stance of it being unreasonable to expect help from family. That's what families do. And I don't mean regular childcare etc to save money, but helping each other out every now and then when you're struggling for some reason. My mum helps out with my kids when I need it, I help her with things and help my brother etc. It's give and take. Why people think it's so ridiculous to expect the closest people in your life to help you out I will never understand.

Bubbleguppette · 12/10/2022 19:14

Could it be that your mum is a bit busier than you think if you have a sibling with SN/ocd?

livealatte · 12/10/2022 19:16

Your mum has children with SN.. she's not pissing around

BananaCocktails · 12/10/2022 19:16

Unfortunately just because she was demanding and overbearing when your child was a baby that doesn’t mean that she should now provide childcare. There may be a reason why she doesn’t want to have her grandchild overnight or provide childcare .
maybe she feels that she is not Capable maybe she has some sort of fear about it or maybe She doesn’t want to look after children anymore I’ll be relied upon in that case,I don’t know you need to ask your Mum outright “why don’t you ever want to watch my DD “ Just ask her out right
As for her previous overbearing behaviour that is a separate issue to her providing childcare

OhmygodDont · 12/10/2022 19:18

Is your mum the petty kind? Like you said no to sleepovers so now she says no to babysitting?

Clockwatching54321 · 12/10/2022 19:18

This is my mum! suggesting my baby could sleep over at her house for the weekend but wouldnt ever suggest helping me out at my house even for a few hours.

Always on her terms so she can pretend what an amazing GP she is almost like she wants to parade them around.

She resents that she never had any help and it’s was hard so other people should struggle too.

We had a big blow up a few years ago when I called her out on her behaviour and now I don’t ever and never will ask her for help. I never assume she will do anything. It’s easier for my mental health so I’m never disappointed, she isn’t the GP I wanted for my children.

i am however making a mental note so that I can do things different with my children and grandchildren.

Original poster
Justnosing · 12/10/2022 19:19

If I lived abroad I assume I wouldn’t be running the business that I do now and would live a totally different lifestyle so wouldn’t require as much childcare. I organise my hours quite well it’s just on rare occasions something comes up where I have to work more.

Glad that it’s not just my mum anyway!

And she did used to be busier with SN when my sister was younger, but she’s 22 and doing much better now, socialising has a boyfriend etc.. so it’s not something my mum has to manage on a day to day basis anymore thankfully Smile

OP posts:
crayola34 · 12/10/2022 19:21

5128gap · 12/10/2022 18:51

I bet when she's talking to her friends it goes something like:
'Its all on their terms. I wasn't allowed to be involved with the scans or having her as a baby, and they never want my opinion, but its different if they want a babysitter. If they think they can just use me when it suits them, they've another think coming...'
Totally unreasonable but I bet that's how she thinks. People who are intrusive and controlling are often all or nothing like that.
The only way you'll know though is to ask her. Tell her after she was so keen to be involved you're surprised she never wants to babysit and is there a reason?

I don't understand why this is unreasonable?

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