To just be put out that my won’t my mum help me?

[Justnosing]

I’d like to start by saying I KNOW grandparents aren’t free childcare and I KNOW nobody has to do anything for anyone else.

but my god it’s wearing very thin…

my mum has always been very overbearing with myself and siblings, and was very interfering in my pregnancy (reduced me to tears on several occasions by demanding and insisting attending scans, having dd overnight from 2 weeks old etc) I stood firm and told her she couldn’t attend scans as it was something special for me and DP, and that I wouldn’t be comfortable allowing a new born to spend the night for multiple reasons.

anyway, fast forward to now DD is almost 4. My mum will NEVER help me out with childcare. DD is in preschool full time. But for example If I ask her to mind dd for a couple of hours on a Saturday for or Sunday for work purposes, it’s an absolute no she’s “too busy” (usually with my other siblings) or “doesn’t have a minute to spare”. Bearing in mind I do only ask her if I’ve absolutely exhausted all other options. It’s not often that I ask her for help, im talking maybe once every 2 months maybe less.

for context she does not work, doesn’t have any hobbies (although teenage siblings have clubs), doesn’t particularly socialise. I give plenty of notice when I ask (sometimes months) and it’s always no. I suppose it wouldn’t bother me as much if she hadn’t caused such a stir with her demands of HAVING to see DD at least 3 times a week when she was little (I used to go and see her during Mat leave often) and if I don’t take Dd to see her frequently now she accuses me of “keeping her away” and cries saying she’s not saw her in ages. Both of which are absolutely not the case.

A while back she insisted that DDs (part time) nursery was not good enough for her and that I ought to remove her from their care as she would HAVE to step up and be my childcare. I said I don’t think that would be wise developmentally, but I would be happy to pay her if she’d have DD for a morning or pick her up a day or two. She said This wouldn’t be possible as “she had too much on” and couldn’t possibly charge me for childcare.

I just can’t win I’ve just never known someone to be so insistent on having a close relationship, but also so determined not to “babysit”. WIBU to say something? How would I approach it? Not to drip feed but she can be quite explosive if she feels like she’s being attacked (attacking her is usually me voicing any sort of opinion)

its not overnight, it’s a couple of hours either on a Saturday or Sunday.

yes she can be petty, you might be right!

I think the suggestion of me mentioning it next time she brings it up might be good. Gives me time to mentally prepare for the fall out too as I’m almost certain she’ll take offence

@Aprilx · Today 18:36
I agree with previous poster, that you need to stop asking for help and at the same time stop her interfering in other areas.
Just as a bit of an aside, maybe she does want a close relationship, but in terms of visits rather than as a babysitter.

Agree with this.

Is it a control thing, do you think? She will only do it if it's on her terms. She'll only see the child when she wants to see her, not when you ask her to.

Oddly there was an almost exact same thread yesterday, except in that case the child hadn't yet been born.

Anyway, I totally get that you wanted to do things your way when DD was little. It isn't about who may have been right or wrong at the time. Your child, your decisions. But you now don't get to dictate to her - your child, your decisions, your responsibility. And it still isn't about right or wrong. You made your choices. She's making hers. Four years later is too late to change the rules to suit you.

Have similar mother.

She is not going to be the mum you want her to be. You are not going to have that cosy mother/daughter relaxed relationship that some of your friends have with their mothers. The sooner your realise this and stop hoping, the better.

She wants things on her terms when it suits her. She also wants the power of making you jump through her hoops (and I suspect getting "upset" if you don't).

Time for you to take back power. Decide on the frequency and length of visits. Stick to it. Say something vague if she wants to know why she can't see you more.
Stop asking for help. She doesn't want to give it. And actually - do you really want her to give it? Won't it just be another thing for her to hold over you?

(apologies if I'm projecting in any way here).

Wait. You would have decided on a totally different way of life that didn't involve outsourcing childcare if you didn't live near your mother? Fuck me, that says it all.

It seems like she feels used. I would too, wouldn't you ? If your desire to be involved from the start was repudiated and you were only asked to babysit when it suited and as an infill ?
That's not so say her behaviour did not feel overbearing to you and of course you put boundaries in place but it's very easy to see what's gone on here and it's very common.

i wonder if you also inherited some of her controlling tendencies and sensitivity?

Cosy relaxed relationships at a minimum one relaxed person....

She sounds narcissistic - totally driven by her own needs and wants and unable to empathise with yours.

Eh? How did you get that from what the OP said? She's saying if she lived abroad, she wouldn't be running the business she has now. It has nothing to do with living near her mother.

Fucking hell, only on Mumsnet is asking someone for help for 3 hours for one day, once every 8 weeks is considered "outsourcing childcare"

Fucking hell.

Wow, did I write this ? This is nearly identical to my situation, it's spooky!
My dd is 3.5 and my parents have only ever looked after her without me , 3 times. They haven't babysat for 15 months now yet used to baby sit my nephew 3 times a week so they could save on childcare ( I paid for 5 days per week nursery - no choice ). Anyway, my personal way of dealing with it is to think 'sod you '. It's your fault you have a crap bond with dd and doesn't want to stay or go near you. I can hold my head up knowing I did it without them . They also comment they they 'never see her' and I just ignore it. The other thing that bugs me is that I have to go to their house 50 mins away, not easy with a toddler and carting toys back and forth. They have been to my house twice in 2 years, pathetic really. I just think they've become utterly selfish and have only themselves to blame for missing DD growing up . I don't feel the bond can be repaired now but I've cried so many tears and can't cry more. I don't know anyone in real life with grandparents as crap as what my dd has. My friends have doting parents who can't wait to see the kids. It's crap isn't it

OP, you're going to get a lot of comments now from people saying that this is karma, that this is what you get for not allowing your mother exclusive access to your baby in the early days, for not letting her step over your boundaries, for not letting her have things her way. It's bullshit.

Helping out your child once in a blue moon is not "being used" or having your relationship with your grandchild dictated by their parents. It's simply helping out your daughter.

If she isn't willing to do that, then stop asking her and just accept she isn't someone you can rely on in an emergency.

I think its unreasonable for a grandparent to expect to go to scans, have overnight stays when the baby is two weeks old and have their say over the nursery chosen by the parents.
Lovely if the parents invite them to, but unreasonable to be annoyed if they don't, as I'd imagine most parents would feel like the OP.
If not being able to do those things is the reason babysitting is being withheld now, I think that is being unreasonable.

Just tell her how you feel fgs!

Thank you again for the responses, I’ve taken the ones that think IAU on board, too. It’s helpful to have other perspectives.

I suppose my options are to either deal with the confrontation, or just plan incredibly carefully so I never have to ask her again. I don’t ask her for anything for what it’s worth, and haven’t done since I was about 16 (just to address those that think I’m “using” her)

thank you all! In appreciate it ☺️

One being she had me quite young so I’ve always felt as though she’s resented me “getting on” in life as I’ve been fortunate enough to do and experience things that she never could, and live a really good life. I often wonder if that could be why, she has thrown it in my face a few times over the years.

I think you nailed it right here. I know someone who has this same situation going on and she is pretty sure that this is the reason.