Father gifting expired food for grandchildren regularly

[Bluetree89]

My husband and I have 4 young children. We are both employed in full time permanent jobs and are by no means rich but certainly not struggling. My father the kids grandfather has been bringing over food past it’s use by for the last few years for the kids on a regular basis. Some examples are soggy store cut watermelon showing a use by date of 7 days prior, yogurt a month past use by etc etc. My father is very well off so it’s not like he is trying to treat them to what little he has. I have told my dad for the last few years please stop giving us the expired food as we don’t need it and I don’t want or need to feed my kids expired dairy and fresh produce (I do understand some food is still good past best before however the food he is gifting is mainly fresh produce and dairy based). Every time he laughs and tells me to stop being ridiculous and that it’s fine for them to eat. My husband and I can’t understand if it’s fine to eat why doesn’t my dad eat it. We then throw it out taking up room in our bin (which is prime real estate with 4 kids). My dad then proceeds to either message or ring me asking how the kids enjoyed the food he left for them. When I tell him I threw the expired food out he again tells me that’s ridiculous and the foods fine. It makes me feel extremely disrespected and insulted by my father and I can’t understand his motivations for continuing to do this. It really pisses me off.

My MIL would do this and it was linked to cognitive decline, she eventually had dementia.

This has reminded me that we knew it was time for my mum leave her retirement flat for more supervision when she started going round the other doors offering people unused food. It even escalated to taking her hot half-eaten dinner plate round sometimes, saying it was too much for her but so delicious it was a shame to waste it. She would get quite peeved that no-one would take it and couldn't understand why.

Not saying this is the slippery slope your father is on OP, but might be worth bearing in mind.

Does he have dementia? Early onset?

My grandad did this and I was quite cross to begin with - until he was diagnosed.

YANBU though, what a pain in the ass

But do keep an eye out for other changes in behaviour x

Ah so glad PP has mentioned it too! I type so slowly 🐌 x

You could just say, yes lovely thanks, and change the subject. He might be subconsciously enjoying the conflict. But also, possibly incipient dementia.

charmingthebirds · Today 09:34
Hand it straight back to him and say 'sorry, we don't have room in our bin for this'?“

this. Though am wondering about his age/health. Could this odd behaviour be a symptom of something?

I'd just say 'thanks dad' and bin it once he'd left

That way you don't feed any potential drama AND you're being kind and entering into the spirit if he has some cognitive abilities

It's not the biggest deal is it?

68 😃

He’s not really getting it is he, I would say kids have sensitive tummies and you are careful with dates. Refuse the food and tell him he should be careful too at his age. Throw it away and tell him he better not bring any more out of date rubbish around anymore!

I'd hand it straight back to him when he gives it to you and say 'we're not going to use this so please take it back.'

Tell him you plan your menu for the week and shop for that and anything else is surplus.

There are people out there who don't bat and eyelid and very out of date chilled produce. I ended up staying with people like this last year and was amazed that I made it out of there unscathed. They had nice food like olives and smoked salmon but so out of date it felt like playing with fire to eat them!

Thanks, to be honest I hadn’t even considered the possibility of dementia/early onset dementia but i will definitely do a bit of research and keep an eye out.

If you think this isn't anything to do with dementia then tell him you think it is! That should put a stop to it 🤣

I would very firmly give him the bag back saying 'we both know this will end up in the bin Dad and there's no room in ours so you'll have to put it in yours'. And repeat until he gets it!

Sorry to derail a bit but is disordered eating and a scarcity mindset surrounding food a common sign of dementia? This thread reminded me of my own pils and actually I remember my dad having similar issues (and he had alcohol related dementia) towards the last 5 years of his life.

I was going to suggest possible dementia. Ringing to ask how the kids enjoyed the gone off food you tried to insist you didn't want is really very strange.

68 would be very early indeed to be showing signs of dementia, wouldn't it? <eyes 67yo husband, confirms he is indeed still as sharp as a tack, phew>

Having said that, the OP's Dad would annoy me and I am very gung ho normally about use by and best before dates. Who wants to eat watermelon that's visibly going off?

My mil does this with frozen food as well, so wasteful.

That bonkers. You've repeatedly told him. Does he even acknowledge that you've told him countless times you don't want out of date food?
Does he perhaps buy these things and is worried his wife will tell him off for wasting it, so takes it to yours to hide the evidence?

Buy a compost bin?

Seriously though, would you say he's a hoarder? Borderline hoarder?

Does he tend to be a controller?

Don’t accept it, make him take it back rather than taking space in your bin.

My MIL does this sort of thing. She can't throw anything out and has to use up food come what may. Even keeps empty dog biscuit packets.

We lived with her for a few months and I can't believe I didn't get sick with what she was serving up..... teriyaki sauce in bolognase anyone???

Just answer with

“we threw your expired food in the bin”

each and every time. Every time.
Either he will get the message or he won’t.

im not sure that rubbish bins count as “prime real estate” but f they do where you come from, give him his shitty, out of date food back to him and tell him why.

geeze, if you’re old enough to be a parent to four kids, you should be old enough to tell your dad you don’t want out of date food.

Take it round his house and put it in his outside bin.

My mum tries to give me food that she doesn't like i.e. says I bought this it's really horrible do you want it? 😂 She also tries to give me things e.g. she bought an aubergine that she has no use for - it's never out of date though! I plan our meals weekly and we buy what we need for that week so I usually say we already have what we need for the week, so no thank you it won't get used. Luckily she doesn't foist it on me afterwards. Since he won't take no for an answer I'd either try to be firmer/give it back, or when asked say it made DC unwell (or they're lactose intolerant or some such if it's mostly dairy) and you don't want to risk it any more. Hopefully he'll stop. Irritating though!

We have this problem. Mum is now in her 90s but it’s been going on at least twenty years. Took me ages to figure out, she wouldn’t throw food away herself so brought it for us, in the end we graciously accepted it, then promtly threw it away.
She could never resist what she perceived to be a bargain either, she’d buy all the yellow sticker items, carry them home put them in the freezer for months, then transport them to our house by which time they’d defrosted then they’d go in my bin 🙄