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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to work my birthday.

38 replies

fio1981 · 11/10/2022 19:23

Hi,

My horrid birthday is coming up soon, made even more painful as my Mum's mum died on the actual day last year and I'm just dreading telling Mum I've got stuck working all of said birthday Friday, then complete weekend to and then to top it all working her birthday Monday too (our birthdays fall a couple of days apart)

I started a new job a good few weeks ago now and our Manager is an akin to a pass the parcel scenario there is now 3 managers names but they all pass the buck onto each other. I've really messed up thinking the shift work we're doing would start sooner so the patterns would have been known sooner and all this could have been discussed sooner and that I would cop the first weekend to work but it never happened that way, but it feels like someone in new job saw my id dob and went on to base all painful shifts around the time I would welcome being off the most. Unfortunately I can't swap with anyone or see no way how it would work if I were to.

I've tried putting in a holiday request on the 3rd Oct for just a single day so giving plenty of notice just for a single day but still not approved and I'm concerned it being left to the 17th to be looked at would just be too late.

I know some pain has been to endured and there will be other birthdays that come around again and this is all just unfortunate, It's just always going to be a problem in this company I've joined with them planning me to work every third and half of the 4th weekend of a month. I feel as it's my weekend to work then won't they always have a reason to stop me taking holiday?

OP posts:
DenholmElliot1 · 11/10/2022 19:26

It's really hard to get staff at the week-ends so if it's your turn to work the week-end then you are being unreasonable to ask for it off.

Just celebrate your birthday on another day instead. Have you got anything nice planned?

Subaru4336 · 11/10/2022 19:32

DenholmElliot1 · 11/10/2022 19:26

It's really hard to get staff at the week-ends so if it's your turn to work the week-end then you are being unreasonable to ask for it off.

Just celebrate your birthday on another day instead. Have you got anything nice planned?

@DenholmElliot1 I don't think OP wanted to 'celebrate' her birthday, I think she wanted to be with her mum, who's own mum died on that date a year ago.

@fio1981 it's always worth asking, so they might say yes to your request,they might be sympathetic if you've explained as you did in your post?

onlythreenow · 11/10/2022 20:07

Given that you have only been in the new job a few weeks I think you are a bit cheeky expecting time off. I mean this gently, but your Mum will just have to cope with the anniversary of her Mum's death the same way most of the rest of the world does. As for it being your birthday - I started my new job of the actual day of my birthday, and had to work a full day (I generally only work mornings). That's just life, it doesn't always go our way.

Original poster
fio1981 · 11/10/2022 20:33

Thanks, I know it's a difficult one and I'm still very much willing to work the weekend.

I'm sorry I'm not choosing to start a new job on my birthday and to the best of my ability in future I would never choose to do so, knowing the day is a reminder of grief anyway.

The company have not exclusively said you aren't permitted to book annual leave until you've passed probation as such so I've just made a request for a day off as anyone on the team is entitled to do so I've not done anything over the rule book. I'm hoping to suggest as a backup solution that my midweek two days off for working the weekend get changed to a Thursday/Friday as I have very fortunately become aware the person due to start the weekend working off coming up apparently have had their early midweek two days off changed to end of the week.

Thank you for letting me get that out MN x

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 11/10/2022 20:40

Did you have to give a reason for your request of time off? You will likely get a more sympathetic response to writing "anniversary of bereavement" than "birthday".

I'm sorry for your loss but there are lots of people including children who have to go to work or school on the anniversary of a loved ones death. Keeping busy may do you the World of good. If she was your grandmother it's likely she lived to a good age. Why not invite your mum to yours in the evening if it's a regular 9-5 and spend that time with her remembering your grandmother.

A580Hojas · 11/10/2022 20:46

I think your mother needs to get used to the idea that you have a job and have to work on your birthday, and her birthday, and the anniversary of relative's deaths ... like all normal people.

Bestofthree · 11/10/2022 20:48

It's unforunte but mark it another day. Sorry for your loss.

surreygirl1987 · 11/10/2022 20:56

Honestly I would never imagine missing work for a birthday and it seems like a childish thing to do. If you feel like you need to take the time of for the anniversary of a bereavement, however, that's different, but ultimately it is up to your employer. Wait and see what they say I guess.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 11/10/2022 21:04

I'm sorry for your loss. Anniversaries are tough.

It's incredibly unlikely the person doing the rota knew when your birthday is. Retrospectively, it would have been better to advise of pre-booked leave when you were interviewed... hindsight is 20/20!

Hopefully they'll approve the leave. If not, maybe you could spend time with your mother during the week after- for both of your birthdays and the anniversary.

Original poster
fio1981 · 11/10/2022 23:11

Thanks all but we've had three managers who wouldn't care less and four people (two of whom are bossy) on team who do not want to put their neck on the line because they don't have to yet jack. To the point I've been sent to an empty site when they think they are 'manager'.

I would not mind at least of two of the 'manager' people who like to dodge things and will have each had a week off in the last month, so perhaps everyone doesn't share your idea that everyone waits 11 months before holidaying, I had an interview 6 weeks ago with a person who doesn't associate being our Manager only in name as we are no longer allowed to contact them. Like I say I thought 1 week training and then to know shift rotas, not 5 weeks on. I never envisaged seeing a rota until 1st Oct weeks after starting.

It is my own fault, within 24 hours of advising for temps I should have said stick this job up your bum.

OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 11/10/2022 23:14

Can you arrange to see your mum in the evening?

HangOnToYourself · 11/10/2022 23:20

Honestly I would never imagine missing work for a birthday and it seems like a childish thing to do.

Alright misery guts 😂 it's not "missing work" it's taking a days annual leave, nobody is suggesting skiving. Some people like to treat themselves on their birthday rather than work, the absolute horror! Its almost like some people want to get some enjoyment from life.

Sorry op, that distressed from your very valid reason to want the day off. I really hope you get it sorted and sorry for your loss

Kite22 · 11/10/2022 23:28

I don't really understand your last post I'm afraid but I think you need to take on board the advice given.

It is normal not to be able to book leave when you start a new job.

It is normal when you work weekend shifts not to then be able to take weekends off (or at least a limited number of times for very specific reasons)

It isn't really normal to expect people to rearrange rotas for the anniversary of the death of any employee's family member, let alone a Grandparent.

NCAutumn · 11/10/2022 23:31

"Thanks all but we've had three managers who wouldn't care less and four people (two of whom are bossy) on team who do not want to put their neck on the line because they don't have to yet jack. To the point I've been sent to an empty site when they think they are 'manager'."

What?

onlythreenow · 12/10/2022 09:34

Some people like to treat themselves on their birthday rather than work, the absolute horror!

And some employers like people to actually do the job they are paid to be doing, the absolute horror!

Willbe2under2 · 12/10/2022 09:42

I think people are being very harsh here OP, I've never worked on my birthday - it's always been at a weekend or I've taken it as annual leave. I've also never worked anywhere where they won't let you take a day off as leave if you need to even if you've just started (and yes, I've worked in retail and hospitality jobs as well office jobs). Perhaps those telling OP to suck it up should think about why they accept shoddy treatment.

YWNBU to all for the day off (in good time) and it's a shame it hasn't been approved. I'm sorry for your loss and hugs to you and your mum.

HangOnToYourself · 12/10/2022 09:47

onlythreenow · 12/10/2022 09:34

Some people like to treat themselves on their birthday rather than work, the absolute horror!

And some employers like people to actually do the job they are paid to be doing, the absolute horror!

You have heard of annual leave, no? It's this amazing thing where people can book a day off for whatever reason they like.

onlythreenow · 12/10/2022 09:51

You have heard of annual leave, no? It's this amazing thing where people can book a day off for whatever reason they like.

Of course I've heard of annual leave, but people generally don't expect it just weeks into a new job, and also the employer is allowed to turn down a request if it doesn't suit them. No wonder the UK is in such a sorry state - the entitlement of people is mind boggling!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/10/2022 09:53

onlythreenow · 12/10/2022 09:34

Some people like to treat themselves on their birthday rather than work, the absolute horror!

And some employers like people to actually do the job they are paid to be doing, the absolute horror!

And some employers (mine) gift you a paid day off on your birthday!

notdaddycool · 12/10/2022 09:56

Plenty of charities are giving staff their birthdays off, it's a lovely thing to do to show you care about your staff, not letting someone take leave that day tells me a lot about the employer.

Tralalalalalalalalalala · 12/10/2022 09:56

How old are you? Ten?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/10/2022 09:57

onlythreenow · 12/10/2022 09:51

You have heard of annual leave, no? It's this amazing thing where people can book a day off for whatever reason they like.

Of course I've heard of annual leave, but people generally don't expect it just weeks into a new job, and also the employer is allowed to turn down a request if it doesn't suit them. No wonder the UK is in such a sorry state - the entitlement of people is mind boggling!

It's entitled to request one day of annual leave after a few weeks in a new role? Why? You generally accrue leave at 0.5 days a week (as a rough estimate) so she's accrued it already.

Willbe2under2 · 12/10/2022 09:59

notdaddycool · 12/10/2022 09:56

Plenty of charities are giving staff their birthdays off, it's a lovely thing to do to show you care about your staff, not letting someone take leave that day tells me a lot about the employer.

Not just charities - every law firm DH has worked in has given him his birthday off as an extra paid day.

onlythreenow · 12/10/2022 10:04

Plenty of charities are giving staff their birthdays off, it's a lovely thing to do to show you care about your staff, not letting someone take leave that day tells me a lot about the employer.

So it doesn't matter if it is a busy time at work, half the staff are already away/sick whatever, it might put the rest of the staff out on that particular day, if someone is having a birthday they MUST be allowed the day off?? I will repeat my earlier comment: it's no wonder the UK is in a sorry state.

Sunbun19 · 12/10/2022 10:08

onlythreenow · 12/10/2022 09:34

Some people like to treat themselves on their birthday rather than work, the absolute horror!

And some employers like people to actually do the job they are paid to be doing, the absolute horror!

And people can book holiday time off work for absolutely anything they like

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