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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You should acknowledge your kids in a speech when marrying a new partner.

53 replies

Thewedding · 10/10/2022 21:33

Just been to a wedding, bride & groom in their 50s. Each have two kids from a previous significant relationship in their past.
Would you expect to hear in the speeches not only how much the bride & groom love each other but also the bringing together of two families, welcoming each others children to a bigger family type stuff.
YANBU B&G should acknowledge each others children.
YABU it's all about the B&G no need to mention the kids.

OP posts:
onethirtyfive · 10/10/2022 21:35

How old are the kids?

PermanentTemporary · 10/10/2022 21:36

I'm not voting sorry.

My dp and I might eventually marry, I suppose - we are both in our 50s and have adult kids. I wouldn't see our marriage as creating a new family and wouldn't require my ds to see dps children as any kind of sibling - he hasn't actually met them yet. But yes, I would expect a name check of all the children, really just as a acknowledgement of their importance. So i would expect to hear their names but not as in forcing them to be part of a new family.

Midnights · 10/10/2022 21:36

YABU.

They're in their 50s, why would they need to talk about bringing families together? That's not what they're doing, they're marrying and celebrating their love between the two of them.

I wasn't mentioned in either of my parents remarrying speeches, not sure why I would have been.

Whatacarryonthisis · 10/10/2022 21:38

Yabu

although it’s dependant on so many things, will await the drip feed to understand more about why YANBU when everyone votes yabu

Hotandbothereds · 10/10/2022 21:38

If they’re in their 50s their children I assume aren’t tiny? If they’re 18+ no I don’t think it’s unusual not to mention them, how old are they, have they left home?

Original poster
Thewedding · 10/10/2022 21:40

Don't intend to drip feed the kids are 19, 17, 16 and 14.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 10/10/2022 21:40

Were the children present? Perhaps one would die of embarrassment, so all were left out. Or, as said, they are passed the age of properly blending a family.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2022 21:40

I doubt anyone forget they’re both parents because the adult children weren’t mentioned in the speech. Their wedding was about them, the two of them. What’s wrong with that? Maybe they don’t see themselves as step parents or one family unit? Maybe that’s how everyone likes it.

Bridezilla · 10/10/2022 21:41

No! Both my parents remarried and neither mentioned bringing together two families. All the children are adults and so we weren’t being brought together. They were just two individuals Getting married.

if they had young children who would be living together then maybe.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2022 21:41

Thewedding · 10/10/2022 21:40

Don't intend to drip feed the kids are 19, 17, 16 and 14.

Okay so they’re not adults. The rest of it stands.

ArcticSkewer · 10/10/2022 21:42

Are they? Bringing together two families? Or are the kids now adults?
At my age, 50s, I wouldn't consider it to be about my (adult) kids hanging with someone else's (adult) kids. When and where might this even happen?

ArcticSkewer · 10/10/2022 21:44

So are they all living together in a blended family or is one at uni and one about to go (from one side), with the other two (from the other side) staying?

Ponoka7 · 10/10/2022 21:44

Now you've shared the ages, no, I wouldn't expect them to be mentioned in the speech.

Original poster
Thewedding · 10/10/2022 21:46

And I'm not family, just a plus one of a family friend who hasn't been to a wedding for ages.

It was brilliant to see lots of people enjoying themselves but I did see one of the teens in the loo after the speeches having a moment.

It's none of my business and I left swiftly, I'm just reflecting and wondering what's 'normal'

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 10/10/2022 21:46

No that is roughly the age of me and my siblings ( me, the youngest age) when my dad married his wife. I like her I think she's a nice woman but she is not my family. I was in my teens when i met her and she was never a mother figure.

Very different to my relationship with DSS where I have been in his life since he was 2 and he doesn't remember me not being there. A far more parent child type relationship then I had with my stepmum.
When me and DP marry I wouldn't expect speeches about bringing our famlies together because we already are a family. I have been living with his dad for 6 years and the mother of his 2 brothers . We are a family so to say the wedding makes us family would be weird.

LimpBiskit · 10/10/2022 21:46

YABU because speeches are shite and should be banned.

Violettaa · 10/10/2022 21:49

It seems a natural topic for the speeches, but it depends on the family dynamic. I’d suspect that there was a reason for it which is none of our beeswax.

thisisthestoryabout · 10/10/2022 21:50

It's not compulsory but I think it would be nice to acknowledge the situation!

ilovesooty · 10/10/2022 21:54

I wouldn't expect them to be mentioned necessarily.

PugInTheHouse · 10/10/2022 21:55

I'd be really surprised if adult DCs even weren't mentioned, let alone teen DCs. We went to a wedding last week and the bride has adult DCs, around age 30, bride and groom in their 50s, all 3 DCs were mentioned and talked about a fair bit, in fact the youngest DC was the grooms best man as they are so close. Dad is still on the scene and is close to the DCs also. Eldest DC gave mum away.

Seems really odd to me, obviously not to say about bringing the families together etc if that's not what is happening but surely a mention is normal.

mountaindewview · 10/10/2022 21:56

No I wouldn't.

My ex has remarried and bringing together the two families has been a complete disaster and it's not an experience I'm in any hurry to repeat and I certainly wouldn't be putting pressure on my kids or my partner's at a formal occasion by saying it.

PugInTheHouse · 10/10/2022 21:56

I did put YANBU but I would say a mention at least depending on family dynamic just to say how much they love them that sort of thing, or thanks if they have helped at all.

SudocremOnEverything · 10/10/2022 21:58

LimpBiskit · 10/10/2022 21:46

YABU because speeches are shite and should be banned.

this summarises my stance of wedding speeches. Stand up, briefly thank everyone for coming to celebrate with you, and nothing more.

I once stayed in a hotel in Malta that was hosting an Irish wedding pretty much outside my room (on the terrace). There were what felt like 6 hours of speeches. From everyone the couple seemed to have ever met. Not even the accents could save that from being tedious. Everyone on that side of the hotel must have been fed up listening to it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2022 21:59

Maybe the one who was having a moment isn’t happy about the marriage and would have been appalled to be name checked. I’m sure this couple know more about their kids than you or we do.

Zampa · 10/10/2022 22:02

My Dad (a widower) remarried when I was 25. His current wife didn't/doesn't have children.

In his speech he thanked the bridesmaids (of which I was one) but didn't call me out specifically. It was upsetting that I didn't get acknowledged as part of his life.

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