You should acknowledge your kids in a speech when marrying a new partner.

[Thewedding]

Just been to a wedding, bride & groom in their 50s. Each have two kids from a previous significant relationship in their past.
Would you expect to hear in the speeches not only how much the bride & groom love each other but also the bringing together of two families, welcoming each others children to a bigger family type stuff.
YANBU B&G should acknowledge each others children.
YABU it's all about the B&G no need to mention the kids.

I wouldn't expect it. My Dm remarried when I was an adult and they both mentioned us in their speeches but it wasn't about bringing families together it was more a thank you for supporting their relationship and helping them through some difficult times.

Tbh, if you went to a wedding and decided to come on MN to complain about what they did or did not say in their speeches, you’re pretty much automatically unreasonable.

I wouldn't expect a lot of fuss about bringing families together, but it seems a bit odd not to mention them at all, so I think YANBU.

This is the sort of thing me and my partner might say. Something about how great the kids are and how much we love them. But not stuff about bringing the families together gaining children blah blah

I would expect them to have a role in the wedding eg bridesmaid or best man etc if they wanted it. But tbh if I’d have married my ex I would have been pissed off if he’d made it all about his kids. It was a bone of contention for us because to me, as the kids all got older it was my time to not always be “mum” but to have a life and love of my own. Of course it impacts on the DCs too, but a wedding to me is about the love between two people. They may have other family but the marriage isn’t really about them.

What's that buzzing sound I hear? Oh, it's the hive mind. Of course yanbu, those poor kids, especially the 14 year old, but all of them really.

If they were say under 10 then perhaps. They are old enough to not give two hoots (and would probably cringe at any speech) about the new combined family, assuming they like their parent’s partner

Perhaps they all hate each other and it would have been hypocritical to pretend otherwise.

This.

And I have to say as a step parent planning a wedding it's really depressing knowing people will be scrutinising and judging these sorts of things, especially without any reason to think the couple aren't good to their kids.

Just let them have their day and focus on their love.

@aSofaNearYou best wishes for your wedding, I've not been to one for years but was struck by the huge logistical nightmare organising 100 people in multiple venues became.

It was like the kids didn't exist. We heard about the groom's school days, his love of adventure, his work, their honeymoon plans. People were thanked, love was declared and how they met described along with a declaration that he'd never met anyone before he wanted to marry.

Will you at least name check the children @aSofaNearYou ?

I've reread all your thoughts, thank you. The majority feel IABU expecting to hear kids acknowledged in a wedding speech. Keep it simple seems to be the order of the day.

I'm not sure what we will do tbh, we may be avoiding speeches in general as my DPs side would inevitably just make endless jokes about it being his second marriage and it's not a subject either of us find funny.

But it is depressing to think where people's mind automatically goes is to whether there is any drama to be found regarding the kids, rather than to just be happy for the couple and assume they've got their house in order. Much like when I first told someone about my first pregnancy, and the first thing they asked was "have you told DSS's mum". It really puts a dampener on these special moments.

I don't want this thread to upset you @aSofaNearYou my partner & I don't know the family well enough to comment on the relationships. I happened to stumble on an upset teen in the loo but that could have been from any number of standard teen dramas!
You should be reassured that a solid 70% on the poll think like you.
I thought the speeches were lop sided, and should have had more thought. As well as the kids, the bride's hobbies and work achievements, independent of the relationship we're not mentioned at all. It was 40 minutes of the groom's past along with a lengthy explanation of how the bride met him. The rest of the evening was much more fun.

I would have wished for the floor to open up if I’d been mentioned in the speech at any of those ages.

Don't worry I'm not upset, just sharing how this sort of thing can feel from the couple's POV! It would be much nicer if people just saw you like any other couple rather than having the sort of gossipy aura a lot of people seem to have when there's kids or an ex involved, looking for signs of drama.

You're right though, those speeches to sound generally odious. Perhaps all the more reason not to bother with them!

I absolutely think the kids should be mentioned.

It doesn’t matter if the kids are all adults. Two parents marrying are bring two families together. You don’t get to be starry eyed about having your moment as a couple when you’ve been round the block a few times.

Can't think why anyone with love and generosity in their heart wouldn't mention their children in any significant speech about themselves and achievements or relationships to be honest. (Oscar, Nobel prize, jam making award, second wedding...)

Can't think why anyone who loved someone else wouldn't also namecheck their children as part of their partner's wider world and affirm they too were loved and appreciated (even if they're not, all the more reason to say it).

Can't think why anyone would ever marry another person who would leave either their or their partner's children out of a speech.

I think it's important to make sure the children don't feel sidelined or replaced by the new family unit. Teenagers are very sensitive and easily hurt, just as much as small children.
I think a lot of adults are too busy pleasing themselves to think too much about how unsettling it can be to see your parent remarry.

I voted YABU but on reading the ages, I would have mentioned them. Maybe not about bringing two families together, something less cheesy, but I would certainly mention them. Maybe along the lines of being so proud that A&B allowed me to marry their Mum and that C&D are happy to welcome Bride into their lives.

I would have the boys as groomsmen (is that what it's called - like the Best Man but more than one?) and I'd have the girls as bridesmaids.

Similar tale: I went to a wedding recently, older people who had both lost previous partners after a long battle with Alzheimers. This is how the new couple had met, a dementia support group for family members. I guess they were looking forward not back, but I thought it was slightly odd that there was not one acknowledgement of the two previous long and very happy marriages, nor of the now grownup children those relationships had created. If was as if the couple were 30 and marrying for the first time.
One of the adult daughter's was visibly upset that her much loved dad had been sidelined and forgotten, to make this day all about the new couple. I could understand her feeling that way. It would have been very easy to mention the past relationships in passing, in a speech or during the service.

I voted YABU because I think usually parents know their children best and are best placed to make these sorts of decisions. As others have said, the children may not have wanted to be namechecked. FWIW, though, when I married my husband, we both thanked his children in our speeches.

No, people can say what they want.

Nice to think of wedding guests who ‘don’t know that family well’ bitching about their wedding though.

@ATwirlADay on the other hand my mum is widowed and if she ever remarried (please God someone take her off my hands) I’d think it was morbid and a bit off to mention my dad.
a wedding is about the couple. And I say that as someone who married and made a blended family and we did mention the kids because for us they are a massive part of our future not at all the same as dwelling on the past, however loved a deceased partner was.

We went to a funeral recently and one of the speakers was brilliant. She managed to mention the previous relationship and their children, the ex was actually there and the current relationship. I knew some of the information from certain decades but she very skilfully gave us a bigger picture without being over sentimental or denying important parts of life.

But they are not bringing the families together with older children? Only little ones count as step siblings surely this is not a blending situation. Unlikely they will be bringing up the kids as related now most are adults.