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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About wife contacting old male friend

48 replies

Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 19:40

Hoping for some advice, recently had a friend suggested on Facebook with one mutual friend, my wife, not unusual but checked out the profile and found he was clearly someone she was at school with many years ago rather than a work colleague, his first name is that of one of her old boyfriends, now, this probably isn’t great but I know her log in details for Facebook, messenger etc, had a look and found she’d made the friend request and has been chatting to him on messenger, he’d asked who she married and if he knew them and she basically said afraid not, just someone I met at work. This flippant dismissal and her contact with him have made me feel really betrayed, so, should I ask her about it or am I worrying about nothing

OP posts:
Itloggedmeoutagain · 10/10/2022 19:43

You logged into someone else's messages?

Original poster
Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 20:03

Yes, not exactly proud of it, but in theory we shouldn’t have secrets, she knows my phone log in so can read mine anytime

OP posts:
GoldenSpiral · 10/10/2022 20:10

None of what you've stated sounds dodgy to me.

Original poster
Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 20:11

I suppose I just don’t understand her need to contact him

OP posts:
okytdvhuoo · 10/10/2022 20:11

YABVU

She’s fine nothing wrong. Why are you policing her messages?

Original poster
Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 20:13

as I said, not proud of it, just felt let down at her contacting him

OP posts:
SallyWD · 10/10/2022 20:15

It all sounds completely innocent, nothing go on at all. I've reconnected with quite a few old friends from school on Facebook. Male and female. It doesn't mean I want to sleep with them! Just a blast from the past. It's nice to get in touch with old friends. What exactly are you worried about?

ATwirlADay · 10/10/2022 20:18

Good lord, half the schoolfriends on my phone / Facebook are boys (now men). I message them, and I sometimes see them, with or without DP. Some of them, going back, I have had crushes on or even kissed.

DP doesn't have female schoolfriends because he went to an all boys school. But he frequently sees and speaks to female former colleagues. He also spends two hour in the car every day with a woman colleague.

No big deal. No green eyed monsters here.

JulesCobb · 10/10/2022 20:19

You sound controlling.

TellMeWhere · 10/10/2022 20:21

Stop being a nutter.

Original poster
Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 20:22

Certainly hope I’m not controlling, never stop her doing anything, I suppose my issue is, she’s always told me who she chats to etc and I tell her, this time she didn’t, but maybe I am just being paranoid ,

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 20:23

And it does answer my question that I’m worrying about nothing

OP posts:
Spendernone · 10/10/2022 20:25

First mistake asking on MN from a male point not of view. If the tables were turned they would be saying LTB or do not trust him.

Go with your gut, ask her out right and tell her your not happy. If there is nothing to hide then she won't have an issue.

Ignore the pear clutching man haters , we don't all hate men. Good luck.

Cosycover · 10/10/2022 20:27

You are a man so you will be told you are controlling.

If this was a woman posting about her husband she would be told its a strange thing for him to do and to keep an eye on the situation.

It is a strange thing to do in my opinion.

Darbs76 · 10/10/2022 20:28

I don’t think anyone should be spying on their other half’s messages like that. How are you going to ask her now? Sorry love saw your had a mutual friend and logged in to read your messages as you had an ex boyfriend of same name. There’s a world away from not keeping secrets and taking the liberty to invade personal messages. That goes for men and women. Clearly nothing in there that suggests they are having an affair. She hasn’t told you as she knows you’d be unreasonable and jealous

JulesCobb · 10/10/2022 20:32

Why are people saying you're male
so the answers will be different? I saw nothing in previous posts to say op was male. What did i miss?

FairFuming · 10/10/2022 20:32

I think you've been a bit shit by reading her messages tbh but if you are really worried about it just say this guy popped up as a suggested friend and ask who he is? Why didn't you do this before?

Original poster
Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 20:34

Fair fuming, that’s probably the best bit of advice

OP posts:
Spendernone · 10/10/2022 20:35

JulesCobb · 10/10/2022 20:32

Why are people saying you're male
so the answers will be different? I saw nothing in previous posts to say op was male. What did i miss?

The Op is called confused Dave and asking about his wife. I do not know many female Dave's. 😅

Aprilx · 10/10/2022 20:36

I have loads of people from school on my Facebook, including an ex boyfriend from when I was 17/18 (I am now 52). I probably sent the friend request, I can’t remember. It is perfectly innocent. X

drpet49 · 10/10/2022 20:36

Spendernone · 10/10/2022 20:25

First mistake asking on MN from a male point not of view. If the tables were turned they would be saying LTB or do not trust him.

Go with your gut, ask her out right and tell her your not happy. If there is nothing to hide then she won't have an issue.

Ignore the pear clutching man haters , we don't all hate men. Good luck.

This. If a woman came on here asking this she would be told he was planning to have an affair.

TwoWrightFeet · 10/10/2022 20:39

Your mistake was saying your a man spying on your wife. Ask MN to delete the thread and post again with the genders reversed. You will get much more sympathy responses.

JulesCobb · 10/10/2022 20:41

Spendernone · 10/10/2022 20:35

The Op is called confused Dave and asking about his wife. I do not know many female Dave's. 😅

Show quote history

There are many posters on here with male names.

there are also many lesbians posting on here.

Original poster
Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 20:45

I’d be much less bothered if our relationship hadn’t reached a point where we live together and very little else

OP posts:
Riverlee · 10/10/2022 20:47

Through Facebook, I’m in contact with several male uni and school friends. All totally innocent.

Catching up with an old school mate is totally normal.