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Original poster

About wife contacting old male friend

48 replies

Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 19:40

Hoping for some advice, recently had a friend suggested on Facebook with one mutual friend, my wife, not unusual but checked out the profile and found he was clearly someone she was at school with many years ago rather than a work colleague, his first name is that of one of her old boyfriends, now, this probably isn’t great but I know her log in details for Facebook, messenger etc, had a look and found she’d made the friend request and has been chatting to him on messenger, he’d asked who she married and if he knew them and she basically said afraid not, just someone I met at work. This flippant dismissal and her contact with him have made me feel really betrayed, so, should I ask her about it or am I worrying about nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 20:49

Don’t disagree, I’ve caught up with many old school friends, difference is, mine are all the same sex as me

OP posts:
Thurst · 10/10/2022 20:50

I’m not sure on this one. Obviously it’s not cool to read peoples messages but it’s a bit odd to contact an old male friend out of the blue. Why request him now? If she wasn’t friends with him all along he can’t be that good a friend.

Original poster
Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 20:52

Thurst · 10/10/2022 20:50

I’m not sure on this one. Obviously it’s not cool to read peoples messages but it’s a bit odd to contact an old male friend out of the blue. Why request him now? If she wasn’t friends with him all along he can’t be that good a friend.

Which perhaps explains my post better than most, it’s the why now not the fact she had and does appear to be totally out of the blue

OP posts:
ComeOnThenFanny · 10/10/2022 20:54

Thurst · 10/10/2022 20:50

I’m not sure on this one. Obviously it’s not cool to read peoples messages but it’s a bit odd to contact an old male friend out of the blue. Why request him now? If she wasn’t friends with him all along he can’t be that good a friend.

Maybe he has recently joined FB? Could be any reason!

Honestly, if anyone logged into my private messages, it would be game over for me. Absolute invasion of my privacy, and a deal breaker.

okytdvhuoo · 10/10/2022 20:54

drpet49 · 10/10/2022 20:36

This. If a woman came on here asking this she would be told he was planning to have an affair.

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Which would likewise be ridiculous

Itloggedmeoutagain · 10/10/2022 20:55

It's literally the point of Facebook though, connecting with people!

Spendernone · 10/10/2022 20:57

JulesCobb · 10/10/2022 20:41

There are many posters on here with male names.

there are also many lesbians posting on here.

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Oh look another special poster art you clever 👋.

Do you have anything to add to the Op or are you just replying to me to act clever (But in reality you don't). Crack on your boring me 😂

BatshitBanshee · 10/10/2022 20:57

Are you normally this intrusive and controlling or is it just now because you "live together and little else"? Cause I tell ya, only a man could have the logic to go snooping rather than ask his wife straight out. What a way to make sure the trust in your marriage is truly broken.

outtheshowernow · 10/10/2022 20:57

Well if it was my husband then I wouldn't like him doing this and I would find it inappropriate to be honest. Even if nothings happened how many times does this sort of thing on Facebook lead to an affair. Loads. I really don't get everyone saying you are controlling I'm guessing it's because you are a man I think you need to be aware of it before it gets out of hand

BeautifulElephant · 10/10/2022 20:58

it's the why now

Well you said it yourself...

I’d be much less bothered if our relationship hadn’t reached a point where we live together and very little else

outtheshowernow · 10/10/2022 20:58

Aprilx · 10/10/2022 20:36

I have loads of people from school on my Facebook, including an ex boyfriend from when I was 17/18 (I am now 52). I probably sent the friend request, I can’t remember. It is perfectly innocent. X

Do you chat to him in messenger though?

Startagain51 · 10/10/2022 21:02

I think you are recognising yourself that this wouldn't bother you if there weren't other issues making you unhappy.
Am I understanding that you feel disconnected, in some way, from your wife? Was this happening before the messaging, or after?
Sometimes we look for things to blame outside of the relationship to avoid looking at the reality of it.

okytdvhuoo · 10/10/2022 21:04

Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 20:52

Which perhaps explains my post better than most, it’s the why now not the fact she had and does appear to be totally out of the blue

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But… what sort of lead-up would you expect..?!

Maybe he just popped into her head… maybe he popped up on a mutual friend’s post… it’s so everyday that it doesn’t really require any further explanation.

I mean it could be that she’s been obsessing about him for years and this is the point at which their telepathic connection is realised on Facebook… but there’s nothing here to suggest anything outside of the norm.

Even if he is someone she dated in her school days – so what? My DP went for a pint with a woman he lived with for 5 years just last week – there’s nothing sinister about staying in touch with exes.

Smileeriley · 10/10/2022 21:05

Repost in a few days as a woman for more truthful responses.

HyggeandTea · 10/10/2022 21:12

You could mention that he came up as a friends request and go from there. But what will you do if she says nothing? It comes down to trust, do you trust her, can you believe her?
My ex would never believe my male friends were platonic and so I'd hide contact and then he snooped and went nuts when I initially didn't admit to it (because I knew he was jealous and unreasonable) ... and he never, ever, ever let it go.

If it was the other way around and I'd snooped on my partner (I wouldn't). I'd have to fess up and ask him outright, no game playing. He wouldn't be happy and we would have to work on trust, but conversations are necessary and he would reassure me and I would believe him.

MarshaMelrose · 10/10/2022 21:12

drpet49 · 10/10/2022 20:36

This. If a woman came on here asking this she would be told he was planning to have an affair.

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Or had already started it! And...does he have a history of gaslighting? Oh and the inevitable...this is full of red flags. And the old faithful ... Trust your gut.

HyggeandTea · 10/10/2022 21:14

But I am going to reiterate, regardless of male, female, gay or straight, snooping is never a good sign.

mrssmith45 · 10/10/2022 21:15

I had a lot of male friends at school and I keep in touch with some but I'd love to be in contact with the others. Not because of anything other than we were friends and it would be nice to see how they are and what they are up to etc. Reading your wife's messages is a pretty shitty thing to do when you could have just asked her! There can't be much trust if you read her messages in the first place.

Original poster
Confuseddave · 10/10/2022 21:17

Well the post sure got people responding

OP posts:
LikeTearsInRain · 10/10/2022 21:21

Sorry OP have to agree with the others YABU. You should never look through your wife’s private messages no matter what.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 10/10/2022 21:38

BatshitBanshee · 10/10/2022 20:57

Are you normally this intrusive and controlling or is it just now because you "live together and little else"? Cause I tell ya, only a man could have the logic to go snooping rather than ask his wife straight out. What a way to make sure the trust in your marriage is truly broken.

This is such fucking MN bullshit. If a woman is in this position, she’s congratulated for having the foresight to quietly establish what’s going on, watch and wait, trust her gut, get her ducks in a row, blah blah blah. Put a tracker on his car! Clear out the bank account! Christ.

I don’t blame you for being worried, OP, but if the state of your marriage is genuinely just that of ‘people who live together’, and you want to improve it, then snooping on your wife and stressing about what you find is definitely not going to help you achieve that.

There’s no evidence of anything other than her being dismissive of you, so if you love her and want things to be better between you, you’re starting in totally the wrong place. Don’t be digging around in her private stuff, engage her face to face about what’s really going on between the two of you, and actually tell her how unhappy and anxious you feel.

Cheatedoninarizona · 12/07/2025 17:45

hey buddy, I read a lot of people comments I don't agree with you not having the right to look at Facebook or any other app and ask your wife questions. you should be able to talk about anything. I just found out last month my Wife of 7 years contacted her old BF been going on over 5 years now, It always starts out innocent then somehow its gets flirty and emotion my wife did not get to the point of physical that i know of and she swears by that too, that's what happen to me, My wife admitted it to me after we had discussion magic she brought up about Open Marriage, do not believe what other people say, makes me laugh when i see a women say you shouldn't snoop, I call BS, follow your gut if she truly loves you and wants you then she will have no issues, otherwise I would move on with a more FAITHFULL HONEST women, throw the cheaters and the ones that want to keep secrets to the curb let someone else deal with there crap. All the best to you i hope it works out for you either way.

randomchap · 12/07/2025 18:02

This thread is 3 years old. ZOMBIE

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