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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why can everyone else seem to parent effectively

34 replies

Wthamidoingwrong · 10/10/2022 16:33

But I can't?
aibu to think I am clearly doing something very wrong here?because I never see other children behave like mine at this age.

DS is 5, in year 1 at school. Just screamed and kicked me repeatedly on the way home from the park because he didn't want to leave. I ended up crying because I was so fed up there were children and parents from school there, one of which gave us a very horrible look and now I'm absolutely mortified. DS does this after school most days, and at other times too when we have to do something he does want to do- mainly walking anywhere or going to shops.
I've never seen any of the other children from school act like this
My older ds1 did also have big meltdowns after school when he was younger but he is autistic and I put it down to that. DS2 isn't
as far as I know. Sensory issues possibly.
he's still screaming now and we've been home half an hour!
I've tried reward charts, time outs, punishments, everything really that I can think of and nothing is working

OP posts:

Sirzy · 10/10/2022 16:36

Sounds like he is completely overwhelmed at the end of the day. Can you skip the park and then come straight home to let him decompress? If you have any soothing sensory toys from your other child you could try some of them?

PortiasBiscuit · 10/10/2022 16:40

I’m just sat here thinking that it must be my fault that my teenage DDs hate each other.
we all have issues, no other Mother worth a second thought is going to be anything other than sympathetic in that situation, we’ve all been there, honestly.

I used to meet my eldest with a snack, she’s always been vile if her blood sugar is low, maybe try that?

superplumb · 10/10/2022 16:40

My 6 year old has meltdowns most days. I feel your pain and I'm at a loss too

BrokenLink · 10/10/2022 16:45

That sounds so difficult and stressful for you. It does not really sound like "typical" behaviour for a child that age, so no wonder you are struggling. If his brother has autism he has a much higher chance of being neurodivergent too. Some children are able to "mask" at school, but as soon as they are with their "safe" person they can no longer contain their stress and emotionally melt down. If you speak to school about the difficulties you are having outside of school, they may be able to signpost you to sources of support. Your school nurse or health visitor may be able to help you decide if an assessment is the way to go.

Original poster

Wthamidoingwrong · 10/10/2022 16:46

I think he likely is overwhelmed. He was ok with reception but there's been a massive increase in these huge tantrums since going back in September to year 1.
he behaves really well at school- he'd be horrified if he ever got told off by a teacher, but I think it must take a lot out of them to behave well all day when they're still so young.
but I don't understand why the other children aren't having these huge meltdowns too, because surely it's also difficult for them? I just feel like there is something i'm doing wrong or there's something I should be doing that I'm not. I'm a single parent and it really seems like I've just totally failed them both because like is frankly miserable with everyone kicking off all the time. It's impossible to manage doing anything so we basically just don't do anything

OP posts:

Tothemoonandbackx · 10/10/2022 16:46

Oh @Wthamidoingwrong, it can be awful sometimes but try to think of it this way, just because you haven't seen others have meltdowns like this, doesn't mean it's not happened to them before. Please don't compare yourself to others, and as for someone giving you a horrified look, sod em' honestly sometimes, other parents are the worst critics, but they'll have their own issues.

BogRollBOGOF · 10/10/2022 16:50

DS was doing this in y2... in fact all the way through primary school, but it was the intensity with which he did it in y2 that was a trigger for me joining a lot of dots, taking him to the GP and eventually having an ASD diagnosis.

It doesn't necessarily mean a child is neurodiverse, but it is a symptom of a child being overwhelmed by school expectations and a big vent when they feel safe (especially in children that put a lot of effort into behaving well or keeping up). When I realised that my child was struggling, needed food, drink and quiet rest with limited further input, that helped a lot. He's at secondary now and a walk to the car and quiet drive suits him as a buffer between home and school and works better than the 5 minute walk with his sibling at primary school.

Clear expectations can help e.g. we are spending 20 minutes at the playground, then we will go home... we are leaving in 5 minutes...

NerdyBird · 10/10/2022 16:54

I just saw this bbc article about this sort of thing www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/articles/z863cxs?fbclid=IwAR2YqlVL0OQaktwZ1hxsmROgNY2RenlzsNbXM_Np6sZ3x2Pukac8Rj0kAMY

not sure if that will work but post school meltdowns definitely happen to others too.

Clarklette85 · 10/10/2022 16:55

You ARE NOT your childs punching bag. I would very firmly explain its not nice to kick people and that it hurts, if he does it again there will be serious consequences, and follow up on that punishment. they will always act worse with you than others BUT they’ll only do what you let them. Get tough.

MooseBreath · 10/10/2022 16:56

I'm pretty sure if any parent claimed their child never had a public meltdown, they'd be lying. Kids haven't learned to regulate their emotions 100% of the time and when they're feeling overwhelmed (after school, crowded spaces, feeling tired, hungry, sensory overload, etc.) it comes out through disobedience, tears, or tantrums. Just the fact that you are questioning your parenting means that you are putting in an effort to be the best you can for your children. You are so not alone in this.

Does your son actually want to go to the park after school? He may be exhausted and want to just go home and chill.

orbitalcrisis · 10/10/2022 16:59

Autism is genetic so it's definitely worth considering, my boys are both autistic and VERY different.

Thecaravan · 10/10/2022 17:01

My daughter has just started Year 1 and is a brat like that at times when she has to leave her friends after school. She was very rude today so now is not going out to play tomorrow as she wouldn't leave without a big fuss. It's so embarrassing.
Luckily am not a single parent so either me or DH will take DD2 out tomorrow after school and DD1 will stay home. I don't think for a second she has ASD. She's just pissed off that I'm making her go home and she wants to play. No constructive advice, just sympathy for you!

orbitalcrisis · 10/10/2022 17:05

It might help to put an exact time when you will be leaving the park so it doesn't come as a shock, you could get him a little digital watch. It's the unknown that often causes the problem.

BeanCounterBabe · 10/10/2022 17:13

My DD1 was like this. So embarrassing. She was diagnosed with ASD at age of 8. I found putting a timer on my phone helpful as it was harder to argue with a phone. I would often have to sling her over my shoulder to leave the park and she wasn’t small. I did have to develop a thicker skin to other peoples judgement, perceived or otherwise. It helps to remind myself the behaviour is due to feeling overwhelmed. I am strict though and make it very clear what is unacceptable. It took a few years for her to get it but she is lovely now (most of the time).

Squirrelvillage · 10/10/2022 17:13

Have you tried the old 'expectations and boundaries' approach? 'We're going to the park for ten minutes. I expect you to leave nicely with me when it's time to go, otherwise we won't go again tomorrow' with five minute warning and one minute warning of it being time to leave? I usually give DC something nice to think about for when we get home e.g. we have ten minutes to play in the park now, and then we will go home for a nice hot chocolate and watch some cartoons together.

If there was kicking and screaming, there'd be no park the next day. The day after, I would give them another go at it under the same conditions. Crucially the nice thing at home always happens so we have some nice positive time together no matter what happened.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 10/10/2022 17:18

I wouldn't be taking my child to the park if they frequently screamed and kicked at me! Do you set their expectations (10mins or whatever) abd then count down (5mins to go etc)? What consequences are there for him when he behaves like this?

Also as other have said, maybe park after school is just too much and he needs to go home straight from school

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/10/2022 17:20

did you go to the park after school? If so then I would can that and go straight hOme to rest. If it helps my yr 1 DD is an absolute madam nowadays but physically hitting is always punished. She’s more screaming/ stomping/ answering back.

3WildOnes · 10/10/2022 17:20

Clarklette85 · 10/10/2022 16:55

This is exactly the kind of reply that left me in tears when I went through a similar thing years ago.
Most parents posting like this on mumsnet are at the end of their tether and have tried everything. Being 'tough' made my problem a lot worse and really strained my relationship with my child. It is not usually the right approach to take with a child who is feeling overwhelmed.

BrendaHope · 10/10/2022 17:23

Fully agree with @3WildOnes@3WildOnes

Mariposista · 10/10/2022 17:23

Make him earn the park. If he can go Mon-Thurs without behaving badly at hometime, he can go Friday. Keep reminding him.

BrendaHope · 10/10/2022 17:29

Sorry posted the above, without finishing!

I really sympathise OP. I experienced similar issues with my eldest at that age. He has ADHD and a low tolerance for frustration, so when he wants to do something, he really wants it there and then, and struggles with being told no, also struggles to manage his emotions. He also found the year one transition a struggle.

Not saying yours has ADHD of course, that was just my personal experience.

I feel for you, it's horrible when you feel judged. I was always the one with the screaming child!

Youdoyoutoday · 10/10/2022 17:29

No parent is perfect, so please don't think that!

My take is he's overwhelmed so maybe skip the park after school and review bed time. It could be school is just that bit harder this year, more brain power, tiredness!

CongratulationsBeautiful · 10/10/2022 17:32

My DD needed at least half an hour of decompression after school at that age. Snack, straight home and then time alone with her toys. Yes, you can set expectations but ultimately your child is not doing this to be horrible, they are doing this because they are tired, overwhelmed and unable to cope with their emotions. That's what to focus on first (and how to manage this will depend on your specific child and their specific character and needs). Then setting clear boundaries can be something you work towards, but if they were able to stick to good behaviour you wouldn't be having this issue in the first place!

Also, OP - I can guarantee you every other parent has their sore spots! We're all just doing the best we can.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/10/2022 17:35

Do you give them a warning that there's 5 minutes before you have to leave?

Do you use pictograms?

Do they have a snack on the way to or from the park?

Have you been offered any kind of autism course for parents? Have you read any books?

If you've been home half an hour and dc is still screaming then I would say that is SEN territory.

ChampagneCamping · 10/10/2022 17:35

Post school melt down is normal for many. Might take a few months or years to pass. Don’t give yourself a hard time

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