Am I being unreasonable if I just cant agree with my mother in law

[Absolutegeek97]

Hi, so as the title suggests I am having some trouble with my mother in law.
In fact, I am so fed up of her belittling behavior. At times we can really get on, but its her sheer amount of opinions and obsessiveness that really separate us.

I consider myself to be someone who loves to learn about new things, my job also means that I am open to understanding different interpretations of facts and opinions. Also I have always thought of people as 'a mixture of experiences, memories, interests and circumstances meaning no two people ever can be the same.' To me, its that idea that keeps me understanding that opposing opinions are just as worthy.

Now I am not talking about politics here as such, but my mother in law is so opinionated and I am often the result of some of those opinions. She is also the type to really dig into you and go too far.

A simple explanation of this would be a discussion we had the other day. We were talking about a certain popular TV show. I was asked if I liked it, to which I replied, "It's not for me. I can see why people like it. However, I just don't know who the celebrities are half the time. The fact that this show relies on guessing who these people are just gets lost on me." I have seen the show and I was referring to those who often appear on the show who are in soaps. I just don't watch them because they don't appeal to me.

She instantly pounced on me, accusing me of being horrible and nasty. She told me, "Some older people watch this show and its their only entertainment." I may not know who they are but it doesn't make them less important." I said, "I know, but I never said that. I just said I don't know anything about soaps. I also don't know much about sports."

It should have stopped there but it didn't. I am abit of a nerd and I love British Comedy and Science Fiction. I tried to joke it off and said "Put a British sitcom on I could name everyone on it. I was watching Hot Fuzz the previous night, and I could name most of the actors on it. I'm not totally clueless." (To be honest most people could.) She instantly told me that I was 'sad and pathetic' and I wasn't cultured enough.

She even had the cheek to criticise me over that I reguarly go to stand up gigs, and have done so for years. She told me It was stupid and she 'doesn't know why I like half of these people because they are s**t.' She then told me she only likes one person. Jeff Dunham, urrghh!

Not to be arrogant here or anything but I work in the media, and have qualifications in Film and TV Production/ Digital Design and a masters in English. Both qualifications are important to my job. I'm not at all arty farty in anyway.

She didn't stop there and proceeded to dismantle a sitcom I absolutely love. Abit hyprocritical if you ask me. That sitcom is very special to me, I have made friends going to conventions about it. I also watched the latest episode with my dad a while back, it was the last memory I have of him being well before his cancer diagnosis and ultimate death.

I'm just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences and how they have dealt with such people.

No, it is a regular TV show been on for many years. It’s probably one of the oldest shows still going in the U.K. She just doesn’t like it so no one else is allowed to watch it.

She comments on my appearance because she doesn’t like me wearing jeans, or t-shirts. Instead I should be wearing shirts and dresses and be a proper woman.

she also kicks off about my weight. I already said I have a health condition which affects my weight. She constantly kicks off me if I am eating food telling me I am fat.

She thinks because of my dress style (blouse, blazer, jeans and, vans) I am not a proper (job title). Apparently I should consider a job more to my appearance. (Work is very casual) She kicks of at me for apparently dressing like a man.

Change the subject. Stick to topics you don't fall out about. Peace will break out.

You seem to be avoiding the repeated question about how your Spouse feels / reacts / responds to you and MIL sniping at each other OP?

Does he support you or side with her? I think that's perhaps the bigger issue in the grand scheme of things.

It sounds like you both dislike each other, and deliberately pick fights, and for your part you sound like you believe your tastes make you superior. I have a feeling that in this instance, it's not what you said, it's the way you said it.

I am not one for "the soaps" - When asked I always say "I used to, but they started being on all the time, and it was too much of a time commitment"

Because I'm aware that a lot of people love their soaps.

It sounds like you were talking about Strictly and you pissed on something she looks forward to each week.

A bit more diplomacy on both sides wouldn't go amiss.

Sounds like she will make discussions personal, whereas you don't. Two very different people and ideas on how to engage with each other.

In your shoes op, once she goes down the personal route, ie 'you're pathetic, or comments negatively about your appearance' I'd just tell her you're not engaging with her as she's being rude and walk off or change the subject

You clearly don’t like her and that comes across strongly

she’s bang out of order to criticise your weight and how you dress and your DP needs to stand up for you. As has been said many times, you don’t have a MIL problem you have a DH problem

equally the way you’ve described your argument about the TV shows both of you sound as bad as each other - possibly you over reacting because she’s critical of other things and her feeling defensive as you clearly don’t like her and think she’s a bit unsophisticated.

Are you living with her? If not I would significantly reduce the amount of time you meet with her.

She seems to think she has some authority over you, so move away and remove that power just don't engage.

You sound quite intolerant of anyone else’s opinion tbh, as does your MIL. As suggested earlier ‘each to their own’ is an appropriate way to shut down and move on.

OP, bless you - I haven't RTFT but I've read all your posts and it's clear that you're sensitive and your MIL is distressing you.

My best advice is just to disconnect your wellbeing from her opinions. Does that make sense?

She is older, she is fixed in her views, you will not change her nor will you be able to control whether she criticises you unreasonably.

What you can change and control is whether you let this bother you. You can simply choose to stop letting her upset you.

I have no doubt that she is hyper-critical of you because you represent a threat to her status as matriarch of her family. She is trying to control you (and your DH) in order to maintain her control over the family. As she ages she will lose this control, and her criticism of you may increase at that time (another trigger might be if you and DH have children).

You can't control what she does; you can only control your reaction to her. Going NC is always an option but it's hard on your DH to be forced to choose between you and his mum. If you can just ignore her, smile and nod at her, and walk away without letting her criticism upset you, you'll instantly feel better without waiting for her to change.

Good luck!

By saying you don't know who those people are as you wouldn't watch the shows they are in and don't know why people do when you know for a fact that she watches the programme feels like you are goading her. What you said wasn't an innocent comment - you could have said "oh no it's not really my thing but I know lots of people who love it" - that doesn't leave any room for an argument. You didn't though.

Could it be that you're very similar?

Disengage ..... neutralise the situation.

You're two different people, who probably wouldn't have chosen to spend time together had it not been for DH, and don't share many interests. But this isn't about whether soaps are "good" or not, or whether sitcoms are better, or whether women should always wear blouses to work.

General, noncommittal responses are your friend here ... assuming you don't want to actually fall out with her. The "each to their own" as mentioned above - or "it works for my office" in relation to the work clothes - or "oh yes, you mentioned" if it's something she's gone on about before.

The OP says "I replied, "It's not for me. I can see why people like it. However, I just don't know who the celebrities are half the time. The fact that this show relies on guessing who these..." To me that sounds pretty polite. Saying something is not for you is not rude. If I heard that I would try and change the topic to one with more common ground.

However to a show OP likes the MIL says "She instantly told me that I was 'sad and pathetic' and I wasn't cultured enough."

I mean really? At this point I wonder if we are reaidng the same thing...

Honestly some people you just can't plerase OP. Leave them to it. It is fine to enjoy different things but that she can't accept what you like without insulting you is not on.

Why the fuck are people laying into the OP and calling her names? Obsessive, an ‘immature tit’, snobby etc?

From the off it was clear her MIL is a bit of a cunt, but still people attacked her. Now as the poor OP has tried to defend herself and revealed more about the ghastly bitch she has to call a MIL, still they persist.

I have to wonder about what is wrong with the lives of some of the people who post on here, to make them some spiteful, vitriolic guttersnipes to any OP who dares to put their head above the parapet by starting a thread.

YANBU unreasonable OP. You can tell someone why you don’t like something and why. That is completely different from saying to someone, ‘ I don’t know why you like …’ Anyway it’s pretty normal for people of all ages to watch ‘celebrity’ programmes and say, ‘ I don’t know who half these people are’.

Sh sounds like she’s very argumentative and always has to be right. Take this gem: She instantly pounced on me, accusing me of being horrible and nasty. She told me, "Some older people watch this show and its their only entertainment."

How on earth is it their only entertainment if they own a TV with hundreds of channels pumping out entertainment 24/7?

Im guessing I’m close to your MILs age and I’d never in a million years talk to DS’s partner (or anyone else for this matter) the way this appalling woman talks to you.

How does your DH feel? I would cease to engage with her.

If you're talking about the masked singer yaddddnbu
If it's something else : Yanbu!

People have attacked the Op here without reading the thread. In effect they are doing what the MiL is doing, in calling her 'snobby' just because she watches things she likes and that she clearly thinks she is better etc...what a load of rubbish, people watch what they enjoy, of course they're going to think it's better than the stuff they don't watch or enjoy.

OP your MiL is extremely controlling, judgemental and nasty. It's normal to have a different opinion, it's what makes life interesting. It's sometimes normal to try and persuade people that your way of thinking is better, or to try and get them to like something that you really love - even though its illogical, it is human nature sometimes. Its completely abnormal to insist that other peoples interests, opinions, and appearance are 'wrong' (assuming that they are not harmful to you or anyone else or illegal) and its absolutely mad to have a go at you over such trivial things.

The question is, why do you not realise this? Why are you even questioning whether you are being unreasonable to respond to her questions about which tv show you like, politely but honestly. Why are you even still in contact with someone who criticises so many irrelevant things about you? What does your husband do when his mum is ranting at you? It would not be at all over the top to stop speaking to her, most people would not put up with even half this level of criticism

People have attacked the Op here without reading the thread. In effect they are doing what the MiL is doing

No, people have read the thread and read the way OP writes and responds and have drawn up a picture that she gives throughout the thread rather than just assuming the MIL is a witch.

Nobody thinks the MIL is nice, but the OP has an air of superiority over her MIL and seems to be very defensive and easily offended.

Reading the OP's responses, I've got an image in my head of the way she comes across in person. Rightly or wrongly, I'll judge her on the whole thread.

I don’t see that and I’m fairly sure I’ve read the same thread as you.

Also reported your post calling her names.

@Herejustforthisone congratulations

Thanks. 🙏🏻

This.

No idea why people are saying six of one, half a dozen of the other. Sounds like you were respectful and neutral and then your MIL went full on bitch mode. I think you did well to bite your tongue at the time tbh.

"Nobody thinks the MIL is nice, but the OP has an air of superiority over her MIL and seems to be very defensive and easily offended"

Surely most people would be offended if someone criticised the way they looked, the way they dressed, and called them sad, pathetic, nasty etc

Why doesn't your spouse intervene?

I'd just stop spending time with her.you don't get on and she sounds nasty.

She sounds old fashioned and sexist.

Unfortunately she's your MIL so you're stuck with her as long as your relationship is going.

Keep her at arm's length and make non committal "uh huh" or "yes you're probably right" noises when she criticises. Tell your partner to back you up if they're not already.

I have had many arguments with my in laws over their rudeness and it's just not worth it. I wish I'd learned earlier just to let it wash over me.