Am I being unreasonable if I just cant agree with my mother in law

[Absolutegeek97]

Hi, so as the title suggests I am having some trouble with my mother in law.
In fact, I am so fed up of her belittling behavior. At times we can really get on, but its her sheer amount of opinions and obsessiveness that really separate us.

I consider myself to be someone who loves to learn about new things, my job also means that I am open to understanding different interpretations of facts and opinions. Also I have always thought of people as 'a mixture of experiences, memories, interests and circumstances meaning no two people ever can be the same.' To me, its that idea that keeps me understanding that opposing opinions are just as worthy.

Now I am not talking about politics here as such, but my mother in law is so opinionated and I am often the result of some of those opinions. She is also the type to really dig into you and go too far.

A simple explanation of this would be a discussion we had the other day. We were talking about a certain popular TV show. I was asked if I liked it, to which I replied, "It's not for me. I can see why people like it. However, I just don't know who the celebrities are half the time. The fact that this show relies on guessing who these people are just gets lost on me." I have seen the show and I was referring to those who often appear on the show who are in soaps. I just don't watch them because they don't appeal to me.

She instantly pounced on me, accusing me of being horrible and nasty. She told me, "Some older people watch this show and its their only entertainment." I may not know who they are but it doesn't make them less important." I said, "I know, but I never said that. I just said I don't know anything about soaps. I also don't know much about sports."

It should have stopped there but it didn't. I am abit of a nerd and I love British Comedy and Science Fiction. I tried to joke it off and said "Put a British sitcom on I could name everyone on it. I was watching Hot Fuzz the previous night, and I could name most of the actors on it. I'm not totally clueless." (To be honest most people could.) She instantly told me that I was 'sad and pathetic' and I wasn't cultured enough.

She even had the cheek to criticise me over that I reguarly go to stand up gigs, and have done so for years. She told me It was stupid and she 'doesn't know why I like half of these people because they are s**t.' She then told me she only likes one person. Jeff Dunham, urrghh!

Not to be arrogant here or anything but I work in the media, and have qualifications in Film and TV Production/ Digital Design and a masters in English. Both qualifications are important to my job. I'm not at all arty farty in anyway.

She didn't stop there and proceeded to dismantle a sitcom I absolutely love. Abit hyprocritical if you ask me. That sitcom is very special to me, I have made friends going to conventions about it. I also watched the latest episode with my dad a while back, it was the last memory I have of him being well before his cancer diagnosis and ultimate death.

I'm just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences and how they have dealt with such people.

So cut her off.
Don't be a martyr just do it

I think people are being a abit harsh here. Things you love reflect your personality and who you are/how you see yourself, so I think it does sting a bit when people are critical of them....even if its something superficial that you KNOW shouldnt really make any difference, like a tv show! I think thats whats happening here.....your MIL is going from 1-100 in ten seconds flat and taking your not liking her arbitrary tv show, and inferring that as a personal slight on her - her likes, preferences etc and has lashed out. Its really childish, but in return youve had a small taste of it when she did the same back about your show. She seems quite immature and doesnt seem to be able to accept that people are allowed to like different things and that that does not equate to a personal attack. The best advice, as so many people have said before, is to step back and just not engage. A vague smile, say something cheerful and kind, and change the subject. You dont have to lie or be phony - something neutral like, I know you love this show .... have you watched all the seasons....whos your favourite particpant....what questions do you liek best etc etc. Deflect so you dont give your opinion, but concentrate on her enjoyment of it. And then get up and have a cup of tea or whatever and then its probably time to move on to another topic. Its really not worth starting a war about. But equally - she should not be getting so aggressive and nasty back at you ....she seems to think that if people dont refelct her then they are not worthy of respect or kindness. Be better than her.

I dont think its equal blame here. You're explaining why you dont like something pr do like something. You didn't start the conversation, she asked! I read your OP as she is the one that is calling you names because of it...sad, pathetic, nasty etc. Becsuse you gave your honest opinion when asked.

OP she doesn't want your honest opinion. Even when you've given a reasonable justification she doesn't listen. She obviously is so insecure that she sees anything you say that's different to how she sees things as a direct attack. She just wants you to validate her opinion.

If you think she is open to change (unlikely I'd say) then I think you have a few options -

Answer honestly as you did above and when she starts judging you and name calling etc ask why she is asking for your opinion when she is just judging and being nasty for it. Its personal taste and it's unfair to have a go for that, and wait her response. Ask why she asked you for an opinion if she isnt open to hearing any opinion that's different from yours

Just say 'yeah its ok' or guess what her opinion is going to be and agree with it

Refuse to answer any questions of opinion as say you think your opinion might vary from hers and she normally gets upset when that happens

Just avoid her because she is hostile and difficult and talking about a tv show shouldn't be this hard.

I think grey rock might be one to try first unless you get on really well with her otherwise and genuinely want to work on your relationship

She does sound very rude to me. Knowing she is combative like this, I would just say, "oh I haven't seen that, I'll check it out." With zero intention of doing so. Just don't have an opinion on something she likes. It's not worth the headspace.

”It sounds like you try to be polite when giving your opinion while she is not and that is the important thing.

Interesting responses to this thread too, feels like people miss the nuance.”

I agree with this too, it seems like op gives a reasonable response, that she doesn’t know who the celebrities so it’s meaningless to her and MIL gets very aggressive and then OP feels a bit taken aback and is trying to explain why that is.

My MIL is exactly the same. I’m an artist so not into the same things at all, I like some junk tv like crime shows or horror movies but my MIL goes off on one because I don’t like the same things as her. It’s not a criticism of her, we just have different junk tv tastes. I now just pretend to show an interest in her shows (she shows none in mine BTW) and go round there as very very very little as possible.

You don’t get on, don’t get in the way of your partner spending time with her but you don’t need to go too. Just be a holiday inlaw.

I agree with this tbh. Just keep the conversation a bit lighter?

You were expressing an opinion she was being rude. I’ve had similar with mil - when she says she is going to do something, eg see a show I will express interest and ask her when she is going etc even though generally it’s something I’d rather stick pins in my arm than see. When I say I’m going to do something she’ll say oh I wouldn’t fancy that at all and be really over the top about how awful it is. I just stick to neutral topics and generally just listen rather than talk now. I also see her less often now and get DH to take the kids in his own. That definitely helps!

I have a highly irritating MIL. Very opinionated and doesn’t like it wen u don’t like/agree with her opinion and become argumentative when you disagree. Thinks she’s a saint because she ‘likes’ to help people out when they’re struggling. Also likes to tell anyone who will listen I done this for that person, I gave this person that. Also likes to throw it in your face, I done this for you blah blah. I talk to her for the sake of the kids. The min she starts going on I’m just like bye I need to go

She sounds vile. And rather stupid. How come you’re having these conversations with her so frequently? Do you live with her? Just grey rock her. Don’t engage.

Treat it like a challenge to try and not engage with her. Also avoid her where possible. You both sound a bit contrary tbh

Some people just can't understand the concept that people think differently to them and they take it as a personal insult if you have an alternative opinion

I think the OP has been clear that she is fine with people doing their own thing, it's the MIL that gets upset and nasty.

My own DM is like that, although not in a nasty way. She just comes out with things like 'I think most people like to have 2 children' 'I think most people like lamb and not chicken' In other words she thinks everyone should think like her

They're both rude to each other

I am very upset to hear some of these opinions. No I am not a snob. I just don’t watch soaps. Yes I would say that comedy is better than soaps, but that is my opinion. I just prefer it, just as someone would prefer sports, music, whatever else.

Whilst I don’t watch soaps, I will equally say at least they have meaning in some peoples lives. The range of issues that they cover really raises awareness and helps people. But I don’t watch them that is all.

I said I didn’t like something and told her it wasn’t me. If I said BASE jumping wasn’t for me would people have kicked off.

When I refer to her insulting what I liked, she told me that she would prefer it if I didn’t watch it because she doesn’t like it. She also told me she won’t allow her husband to watch it in their house.

It is incredibly snobby to call me obsessive because I went to a convention related to a tv show. I didn’t realise half of these shows on tv only had one fan.

What I am trying to convey here, is just the sheer insults I get if I don’t agree with her this is not the only thing. I believe I was polite in my opinion. As one poster said, peoples interest match their personalities.

OP considering you've taken peoples opinions here so offensively too I do think it might be worth thinking about why everything seems so personal.

When I refer to her insulting what I liked, she told me that she would prefer it if I didn’t watch it because she doesn’t like it. She also told me she won’t allow her husband to watch it in their house.

Do you mean she'd prefer you didn't watch it at all or just at her house? How often are you watching tv together?

“Each to their own MIL, would you like a cuppa?” Is the response I would offer - shut down that line of conversation and move on!

Your post does read like you think you're better than her. I suspect she's picking up on that. I'd just try to not provoke and don't engage.

We are not watching tv at all. I do not watch it at her house. She just told me she doesn’t want me watching it at all. She said she hates that her husband likes it too.

The irony here is one of the actors in this show, was known as a big character in a soap.

At the end of the day, this is an issue that extends outside of everything we do.

She criticise the clothes I wear, where I work, the things I eat, the things I like.

I go to a comic con because it’s fun and I have friends there and it’s a big event where people can respect each other’s interests. No I am not a huge Star Wars, Star Trek or Marvel nerd. The beauty of these things is that it’s people who like anything. Some people have too much of an idea that people who watch these things are 40 yr olds in their mums basement. The truth is we are not. Most people expecially my generation go to comic cons.

this loves to have control.

She gets too offended if I don’t like something she likes. Like if I said I don’t like mushrooms (I don’t) she can get quite heat up. Yes it’s all down to personal taste here. It doesn’t matter, I am quite happy to live my mushroom free life.

Perhaps this a generational thing OP? Are you fairly young? (I'm guessing by the '97' in your username).

You've generalised a bit in your posts. You state that most people could name all the actors in Hot Fuzz and that most people go to Comic-con. I'd argue that neither of those things are true, at least outside of your circle of friends.

I know Simon Pegg and that other guy from Shaun of the Dead are in Hot Fuzz. Wouldn't have a clue about anyone else, despite having watched and enjoyed it. I don't think I know anyone who's ever been to a Comic-con; if I did I'd have asked them about it as I imagine it's a fun event.

DH and I have considered Crime Con in the past as we watch and listen to a lot of true crime but I appreciate that not even close to most people who watch true crime shows as as interested as we are.

Maybe I'm wrong but could it be that you're very set in your opinions about what you & your friends like and a bit dismissive of other things, and she's (not to justify her because she doesn't need to be mean about it) rolling her eyes a bit at your youthful enthusiasm and yes, a bit of obsessiveness. Describing a sitcom as being 'very special to me' is arguably a bit more than most people would feel about a TV show. I grew up with Friends and feel very nostalgic about it, have happy memories attached to it, but it doesn't bother me when people don't like it or point out it's flaws.

More importantly than any of this, anyway, is what is your Spouse's reaction when your MIL is being critical?

It sounds like you have very different communication styles and are both defensive about the things you like and dismissive of things you don't like!

You do sound quite young too, and younger people can have very black and white views about things.

Do you go on about your degree and your qualifications and make MIL feel bad/uneducated?

Is there anything you can talk about where you don't disagree?

It's hard to tell who is being U from this. What fires your partner think?

💯this.

It sounds like you rub each other up the wrong way. She's not insulting you by dissing a tv show you like. But you're taking it as an insult.

You say she criticises your clothes / food / work but don't go into detail so it's hard to know whether it's more of the same.

It's weird if she tries to tell you not to watch something though. Is it particularly violent or disturbing perhaps?

I find this very offensive just because I am young doesn’t mean anything. Why do people just love to attack young people.

i do not go on about my qualifications to her I was responding to an insult which said I am stupid and uncultured because I don’t know anything about a certain topic.

i have a right to stand up for myself and tell someone I am not stupid. I already said I understand her points, she may not like it fine.

It’s one thing not to like something another to say well, I don’t want you to like it because it’s not in my perfect vision of you. It’s other to say I don’t want you watching it because I think it should be banned.