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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Classroom assistant

37 replies

Lou867 · 10/10/2022 14:54

I don't know if I should be so mad about this but I am.
My son has started school nursery and this will be his 5th week. He only goes mornings.
The classroom assistant came out in front of other parents and said he couldn't have any sweets (that were on the table to the left of the exit) because the sweets are only for "nice and good children".
My son was upset because he couldn't understand why he could not have a sweet.
I think if that is the case don't have them on display at the door.
What do you all think?

OP posts:
Mamamia7962 · 10/10/2022 14:58

I don't think any school should be handing out sweets for good behaviour. I would have a chat with the class teacher.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/10/2022 15:00

wtf I have never encountered any such childcare practitioner -
id be fuming!

chezpopbang · 10/10/2022 15:01

Maybe try talking to them about his behaviour and what they expect from him and then relay that to your child? If I was told my child had been badly behaved I'd be more concerned with that than some sweets or wording the teacher used.

AuntieDolly · 10/10/2022 15:04

That's awful!

puddingandsun · 10/10/2022 15:04

What on earth?! I'd be fuming.

Wibbli · 10/10/2022 15:05

Poor boy! Complain to the head - you want an apology from that awful TA. Inexcusable behaviour from her

CheezePleeze · 10/10/2022 15:07

You forgot to tell us why the CA said it?

What was the problem?

Original poster
Lou867 · 10/10/2022 15:07

I couldn't believe it when she said it in front of other parents. But I think she should have spoke to me privately in the office.
He was crying for a good 15 minutes then I was crying. It was humiliating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lou867 · 10/10/2022 15:13

He wouldn't sit on the carpet. I don't think they are impressed with him.
He threw sand at a child too.
Surely I can't be the only parent who's kid has done this?

OP posts:
Houseplantmad · 10/10/2022 15:13

Yes she should have spoken to you more discreetly but your DS crying for 15 minutes and then you crying??? You need to show him how to respond properly ie to ask why he wasn’t getting any as otherwise he’s going to have a very tough time at school, and so are you!

iwishihadabox · 10/10/2022 15:18

He was crying for a good 15 minutes then I was crying.

Could you not have just distracted him?

Mammed · 10/10/2022 15:20

I think you're overreacting.

Reward incentives for nursery school children aren't unusual (although sweets are an odd choice)
He now knows if he doesn't follow instructions then he won't get the reward other children do at the end of the session.

Speak to the teacher and tell her you'd rather she spoke to you discreetly from now on.

But crying over it is a bit ridiculous.

Endlesslaundry123 · 10/10/2022 15:20

Yuck truly horrible way for an adult to speak to a child. See it as an opportunity to teach your son about your values ("That was an unkind thing to say. TA was not happy with your behaviour but you are a nice and good boy even if you make mistakes. Let's figure out together how you can listen and follow the rules at school"). I don't know school politics well enough to say what you should do but I find her words disgraceful and ignorant of child development.

Anonymous48 · 10/10/2022 15:24

She should not have used the wording "nice and good children". She should have used wording like "children who behaved well" or "children who followed directions". I don't think there's anything wrong with rewarding good behavior though (although surely it shouldn't be with sweets - my kids are now in their 20's and used to get stickers for good behavior at nursery).

MRSE20 · 10/10/2022 15:33

Anything edible shouldn’t be given to children as an incentive for being good
That is a huge no no
I do not agree with the wording CA used either
CA should of told you that your son has thrown sand and not sat down when asked to rather than making him feel left out whilst leaving

LuckyLil · 10/10/2022 15:36

Lou867 · 10/10/2022 15:13

He wouldn't sit on the carpet. I don't think they are impressed with him.
He threw sand at a child too.
Surely I can't be the only parent who's kid has done this?

So he didn't get a sweet because he was misbehaving? Why didn't you just say so?

BlueRidge · 10/10/2022 15:39

Poor phrasing by the TA, certainly. Make sure your son knows it's his behaviour that wasn't nice/good, not him personally.
But the real issue here is the fact that you have deflected from his poor behaviour. You need to look at that and not go down the "everyone else does it" route.

Jakadaal · 10/10/2022 15:47

I have been there as the parent of the 'naughty' child - she wasn't naughty there were other issues. But my main point is that when your child is labelled as that child by the school then the other children over hear it and the damage it causes is awful. My dh was always the fall guy even when not in school!

Please speak to the head or year lead and get to the bottom of this. If it was carpet time then maybe the school's expectation are too high, how old is your child as mine has a July birthday and yet the school expected them to behave as their peers who are nearly 12 months older than them.

Katapolts · 10/10/2022 15:52

Unacceptable and very surprising that this is used as a behaviour strategy in any primary school.
I'd speak to the Head.

CheezePleeze · 10/10/2022 15:53

Lou867 · 10/10/2022 15:13

He wouldn't sit on the carpet. I don't think they are impressed with him.
He threw sand at a child too.
Surely I can't be the only parent who's kid has done this?

No, my eldest did worse things than that when he started school.

If the teacher had said he wasn't allowed to have a treat because of it, I would've backed her all the way.

Agree with PPs though, sweets are an odd choice.

BlackeyedSusan · 10/10/2022 15:54

Complain. It's unacceptable in delivery. (Ex nursery teacher) (it's the delivery of the message that's really wrong, in front of other parents, and labelling the child not the behaviour. Not saying which behaviour is wrong ) If he can't have sweets due to behaviour he need to know why. (Throwing sand can have serious consequences so there should be some behaviour management going on but that should have been in school at the time as he was so.young)

Do meet with the teacher regarding his behaviour though.

scochran · 10/10/2022 15:54

That's awful and whatever happened it goes against all training, incentives, discretion and self esteem practice.
He's not just crying about the sweets and that's not really what you're angry about because the whole thing is wrong.

KAT0779 · 10/10/2022 16:00

Very unprofessional of the TA in my opinion, should definitely have spoken to you separately about it.

I will never forget when I was about 7 years old (so old enough to understand but same kind of situation) I got one of my lines wrong in a school play so the teacher said to me afterwards that everyone else can have a sweet and not me. I remember not being that bothered but then all the other kids where laughing at me saying "you aren't allowed a sweet" and things like that. I prob sound like a snowflake but think its a really nasty thing to do to single out a child like that, especially over something that isn't really "bad" behaviour.

DSGR · 10/10/2022 16:03

What a horrible thing to say to a child, I’d complain. They and you can tackle behaviour separate to that.
and sweets? Just no

washingbasketqueen · 10/10/2022 16:06

Totally unacceptable. If he was misbehaving it should've been dealt with immediately then moved on from. Shouldn't be handing out sweets either. I'd definitely raise it- CA should not have said that in front of others.

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