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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 7 years too much if a age gap

28 replies

Usernamestillloading · 09/10/2022 20:55

In marriage? We have been married for more than 10 years and we have a 7 year age gap. It’s not a great partnership but plodding along. However lately I’ve noticed that husband and I are on completely different mindsets in almost everything- he is talking about plans after retirement but I’ve just turned 41 and it seems not a topic I want to discuss yet.. he is also very tetchy about self respect etc and I feel like living a life of taking one self far too seriously, which I find tiring.
i s as Leo don’t enjoy talking to him anymore as it’s a constant repeat of the same thing…
is this due to the age difference? Or is the dat we don’t really work coming to light??

OP posts:
sobercuriouskind · 09/10/2022 21:04

Hi, I'm 42 and DH is 50. We met when I was 22. 8 years has never been a problem for us. If he mentions retirement I just hope I get to retire a little earlier with having an older husband (maybe wishful thinking!). Again, we don't have the perfect marriage, but I don't think this is age related, more that being with someone for 20 years, that there will be stuff to work though. Do you fundamentally love each other though?

Northernsoullover · 09/10/2022 21:07

I have always dated older men. My last partner was 9 years older than me. Its never been a problem. However, now I'm 50 I have started to reconsider my age gaps. If I was still with my ex he would be celebrating 60 next birthday and it just feels too different a life stage for me.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 09/10/2022 21:09

I met dh when I was 41. He was 31. Been together 10 years.. Been married 7 years and have a dc. I already had dc. He didn't. A great relationship tbh. Age certainly never figures in any negative way..

Hankunamatata · 09/10/2022 21:10

10 year itch. He is only 48 unless he is planning to retire at 55 it's a bit early to discuss retirement plans unless they are financial

eenymeenymineymo · 09/10/2022 21:15

Me & my OH have a 7 year gap & it hasn't caused major issues. He is nearly 71 & wants to stop working fulltime but he still is able to push a vacuum cleaner about & mow the lawns here at home 🤣
We have differences of opinion but I dont think that is his/our ages necessarily.

AuntSalli · 09/10/2022 21:17

My ex was eight years older than me and by the time he hit 40 it was like being married to a pensioner

AuntSalli · 09/10/2022 21:17

Physically I just didn’t find him attractive at all

StarDolphins · 09/10/2022 21:18

Honestly, personally I don’t think 7 years is anything. Sounds more like incompatible rather than age difference to me!

Suetwo · 09/10/2022 21:45

No. Seven years is nothing. My uncle is 12 years older than my aunt. My grandfather was nine years older than my gran. Once you are over 25, age gaps aren’t that big a deal. Fifteen years is, maybe, pushing it a bit, though even then it can work. The real problems begin in old age, i.e when you’re a fit 65-year-old and he’s an 80-year-old with dementia.

namechangedforthis21 · 09/10/2022 21:49

I wouldn’t say so my dh is 16 years older than me and we’ve not had an issue.

Armychefbethebest · 09/10/2022 21:49

I'm 42 my partner is 49. We do discuss retirement in financial aspects and we have similar views on what we want to do with that time. There are many couples with bigger age gaps it sound like a compatibility problem more than the gap x

Floralnomad · 09/10/2022 21:53

I don’t think it’s the age difference , we’ve been married for 30+ yrs and my husband is 7 yrs older than me and we don’t have any issues

Herejustforthisone · 09/10/2022 22:09

AuntSalli · 09/10/2022 21:17

Physically I just didn’t find him attractive at all

Was that because you think 40 year olds are ancient like ‘pensioners’, or because his behaviour, unrelated to his age, was shit and so you didn’t find him attractive anymore?

gogohmm · 09/10/2022 22:11

8 year gap here, no problem

MabelMoo23 · 09/10/2022 22:14

7 yr age gap here, I’m 46, DH is 53 and I don’t have a problem.

things could be better, but that’s because we have 2 young children and are bloody knackered and get no time together, not because of 7 year age gap!

entropynow · 09/10/2022 22:19

Usernamestillloading · 09/10/2022 20:55

In marriage? We have been married for more than 10 years and we have a 7 year age gap. It’s not a great partnership but plodding along. However lately I’ve noticed that husband and I are on completely different mindsets in almost everything- he is talking about plans after retirement but I’ve just turned 41 and it seems not a topic I want to discuss yet.. he is also very tetchy about self respect etc and I feel like living a life of taking one self far too seriously, which I find tiring.
i s as Leo don’t enjoy talking to him anymore as it’s a constant repeat of the same thing…
is this due to the age difference? Or is the dat we don’t really work coming to light??

Of course not, although MN "wisdom" is that any gap more than a few years ( usually the poster's own age gap, curiously enough) equals grooming, abuse and bad intentions on the part of the older partner. Usually followed by the "rule" of divided in two plus 7 which will automatically tell you if it's ok or not, no exceptions whatever allowed 🙄

Hilarymantelspencilsharpener · 09/10/2022 22:26

7 years here - never been an issue, married 25 years.

CactusBlossom · 09/10/2022 22:29

It’s not the age gap. It’s the mindset.

KimberleyClark · 09/10/2022 22:31

My DH is 11 years older than me. We’ve been happily married for 32 years.

Cw112 · 09/10/2022 22:34

I think it's a little naieve maybe to think you'll always be on the same page/ of the same mindsets across your entire lifetimes. Sometimes it's about accepting you're both in different places/ stages and listening or waiting for the other person to catch up. I don't think that means you don't work as a couple or that the age is a problem. Even people of the same age will grow and change at different paces you just maybe need to communicate that with each other and be accepting of where each other are at right now without putting pressure on it?

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 09/10/2022 22:36

That's a fairly small age gap.

SusanPerbCallMeSue · 09/10/2022 22:43

It's not the age, it's the person.

My ex - 10 years older than me. Grumpy sod. Horrible to live with, I ended up alway going on days out alone with the kids as he'd be moody and hurry us home for no reason. Made me miserable.

My DP - 15 years older than me. Doesn't take life too seriously, alway making me laugh, very cheery and active. Only grumpy for a reason, which rarely happens, and even then only momentarily.

Original poster
Usernamestillloading · 13/10/2022 17:42

@SusanPerbCallMeSue I think I agree with you

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamestillloading · 13/10/2022 17:45

It’s not a great marriage- I think we are mismatched but it’s becoming unbearable. Constant pressure to do well/ if my daughter doesn’t do well in school then it’s another comparison comes my way about ‘how other mums are so much in the ball’
i work full time in a senior role, so does he but my job is never sen as important
I have to prove myself
constant Criticism about how ‘I think I know it all’
i don’t talk much…because I’ve stopped liking talking to him - but that it tagged as ‘pig headed’

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamestillloading · 13/10/2022 17:47

I’m trying to be strong - hold on to myself, but inside I know I’m not the same person. I’ve lost the zest for life..I just wear a mask and carry on…

OP posts:
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