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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by DH's behaviour?

38 replies

PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 09:59

DH and I have been having marriage issues for some years but have been working on things. He had depression but is on meds and in regular counselling for 2 years

AIBU to feel I'm reaching the end of my tether? We went out for a family night out with DD (14) last night - my suggestion. He never has suggestions for outings or holidays.

DH spilled water on the table but left it there and whined "why should I wipe it up"? DD and I were a bit embarrassed and asked him to use a pocket tissue to wipe it up which he eventually did with poor grace.

He then spent 15 mins talking to DD about team details of her sport team (he helps out) which I couldn't join in on as it was personal details of the other teens I don't know. I eventually suggested we should talk about something we could all participate in but he couldn't think of a topic. I had to 'lead' the discussion and twice he reverted to talking to DD about the finer details of the team.

He spent the evening replying to nearly everything DD and I said to him in a jokey defensive denial, like a teenager. No actual chat like an adult.

When I pointed this out to him after the meal he went into a huff and didn't speak and when we got home he denied he was annoyed and acted like I was completely deluded.

I feel like I'm the only adult here....AIBU?

OP posts:
Newmum738 · 09/10/2022 10:02

Sorry you are going through this. No real view or advice to offer I'm afraid! It sounds like your relationship isn't in a good place. Have you tried counselling together? Only useful if he's willing to dig into what's causing him problems but worth a try. Sending good vibes OP.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/10/2022 10:04

On the one hand it could be said that you were getting at him all night so he got understandably pissed off.

However, he also sounds like a huge PITA and perhaps it's time to think about separating.

Notimeforaname · 09/10/2022 10:06

While your husbanddoes sound annoyingand immature, this would bother me....
I eventually suggested we should talk about something we could all participate in but he couldn't think of a topic. I had to 'lead' the discussion and twice he reverted to talking to DD about the finer details of the team

Well, you wanted the topic changed. I feel it is more up to you to lead the conversation to where you want it then. If someone told me to stop talking about the topic I was on and to think of something else, I might be stuck on what to say too. You sound like hard work and he sounds like he cant have a laugh or talk about what he wants.

Notimeforaname · 09/10/2022 10:07

Ugh all those typos/conjoined words 🙄

Worthyornot · 09/10/2022 10:13

You both seems equally hard work tbh. They were having a conversation and you tried to micro manage that, then he acted childish... your poor dd.

Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 10:13

Notimeforaname · 09/10/2022 10:06

While your husbanddoes sound annoyingand immature, this would bother me....
I eventually suggested we should talk about something we could all participate in but he couldn't think of a topic. I had to 'lead' the discussion and twice he reverted to talking to DD about the finer details of the team

Well, you wanted the topic changed. I feel it is more up to you to lead the conversation to where you want it then. If someone told me to stop talking about the topic I was on and to think of something else, I might be stuck on what to say too. You sound like hard work and he sounds like he cant have a laugh or talk about what he wants.

I brought up a topic we could all talk about - what each of us would like from a family break - but he kept going back to the chat with DD that I couldn't be part of. He'd already had a half an hour chat with her on this before we'd left the house.

OP posts:
Hearthnhome · 09/10/2022 10:14

Hmm I think it’s a bit of both here.

He does sound annoying. He was a twat over the water.

But he was engaging with dd over a shared interested. While you didn’t know details you could have asked questions and engaged as well. Then tried a subject change.

You wanted the subject changed but expected him to come up with the change.

He sounds like a twat by replying in a ‘jokey/defensive manner’ but, I think a lot of people would have been feeling a bit defensive by being told to change the subject and come up with the subject. So that could be entirely him or a bit of both.

It honestly sounds like you have come to the end of the road and he just irritates you.

Notimeforaname · 09/10/2022 10:14

I brought up a topic we could all talk about - what each of us would like from a family break - but he kept going back to the chat with DD that I couldn't be part of.

Stop tryin to control what people talk about. Seriously.

Notimeforaname · 09/10/2022 10:15

Ask questions if you dont know what they are talking about.

Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 10:19

Hearthnhome · 09/10/2022 10:14

Hmm I think it’s a bit of both here.

He does sound annoying. He was a twat over the water.

But he was engaging with dd over a shared interested. While you didn’t know details you could have asked questions and engaged as well. Then tried a subject change.

You wanted the subject changed but expected him to come up with the change.

He sounds like a twat by replying in a ‘jokey/defensive manner’ but, I think a lot of people would have been feeling a bit defensive by being told to change the subject and come up with the subject. So that could be entirely him or a bit of both.

It honestly sounds like you have come to the end of the road and he just irritates you.

I asked questions when they were chatting but eventually it got too involved in people I don't know. They'd already had a 30 Min chat before they'd left the house on this.

I didn't expect DH to come up with an alternative topic but I noticed he didn't have one. That's why I asked them both about things they'd like for holiday plans.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 09/10/2022 10:23

Again, you can try to steer the conversation onto something else,which you did...but ultimately you cannot control other people using their own words and speaking to whomever about whatever they like. Let it go op.

Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 09/10/2022 10:29

Do you think you’re stressed and so trying to control things a bit? It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on the conversation.

Does it really matter if they’d already spoken about it before they left home? I’d think it’d be nice to see/listen to DD and her dad so connected and involved in a shared interest and great that he helps with her sport. Also might be hard to go from talking about a topic you’re invested in like a sport to a more generic topic like holiday plans when it’s not naturally come up.

Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 10:30

Newmum738 · 09/10/2022 10:02

Sorry you are going through this. No real view or advice to offer I'm afraid! It sounds like your relationship isn't in a good place. Have you tried counselling together? Only useful if he's willing to dig into what's causing him problems but worth a try. Sending good vibes OP.

Thanks I feel very alone. Yes we went to counselling for a few months but we took a break from it before Christmas last year after the counsellor told us to get intimate again. He wasn't ready and that's probably behind my absolute frustration with the situation. Who takes a year to work themselves up to just putting a hand on your leg? I feel he doesn't want to be with me but isn't able to admit this to himself or move on.

OP posts:
Hearthnhome · 09/10/2022 10:31

PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 10:19

I asked questions when they were chatting but eventually it got too involved in people I don't know. They'd already had a 30 Min chat before they'd left the house on this.

I didn't expect DH to come up with an alternative topic but I noticed he didn't have one. That's why I asked them both about things they'd like for holiday plans.

Show quote history

Ok, I changed my mind. It’s entirely him that’s at fault for the problems and the awkwardness. You know your marriage better than us. We can only read the op which seems to suggest he is a dick but that your irritation of him is also causing issues and you seem to be over policing him as well.

In your op it sounded entirely awful for your dd to be caught between her parents. It’s still awful to be out to dinner with your dad acting like a dick and your mum acting perfectly trying to divert him.

But my advice is the same, it’s run it’s course. I would start preparing to split.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2022 10:37

The marriage is dead. Why can't you just accept that and end it? It's gotten to the point where everything is a slog and I'm sure your daughter feels it, too. You're lonely, resentful and fed up. Just end it already. You've got one life, stop squandering it.

CheezePleeze · 09/10/2022 10:38

YANBU about the water thing but do you always try to control who talks about what, or is it just with your family? A 15 minute conversation about the team should've been ok. You could've at least tried to take a bit of an interest.

Also,

He had depression but is on meds and in regular counselling for 2 years

In that case he has depression, not 'had'.

Begoniasforever · 09/10/2022 10:44

I think you’ve got to thr stage that even listening to the other breath annoys the fuck out of you. You just don’t like each other and it’s not fair on your child to live in this awkward atmosphere. Just end it for everyone’s sakes

Noteverybodylives · 09/10/2022 10:46

He then spent 15 mins talking to DD about team details of her sport team (he helps out) which I couldn't join in on as it was personal details of the other teens I don't know. I eventually suggested we should talk about something we could all participate in but he couldn't think of a topic.

YABU for making them change the subject just so you can be part of the conversation.

Because of your attitude about this it’s hard to tell if YABU about the rest of his behaviour or if you’re making a bigger deal out of nothing.

It sounds like your DD is very stuck in the middle though which is not fun for her.

If she’s having a conversation about something she enjoys then just listen or ask questions.
Don’t make her change the subject and feel guilty for it.

RedHelenB · 09/10/2022 10:50

PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 10:30

Thanks I feel very alone. Yes we went to counselling for a few months but we took a break from it before Christmas last year after the counsellor told us to get intimate again. He wasn't ready and that's probably behind my absolute frustration with the situation. Who takes a year to work themselves up to just putting a hand on your leg? I feel he doesn't want to be with me but isn't able to admit this to himself or move on.

Show quote history

So you make the decision to move on then. It seems silly to begrudge your dd and dh spending time talking about something they both enjoy.

schmalex · 09/10/2022 10:50

I don't know who's being unreasonable but I feel very sorry for your DD.

happy66 · 09/10/2022 10:51

To be fair you both sound hard work, difficult and defensive. Not what you want to hear I’m sure.

You are trying to address the issues. But looks like it didn’t work. It sounds like a either a trial separation or more marriage guidance counselling asap.

Your poor daughter though. Sadly I know how she might feel.

skippy67 · 09/10/2022 10:56

Worthyornot · 09/10/2022 10:13

You both seems equally hard work tbh. They were having a conversation and you tried to micro manage that, then he acted childish... your poor dd.

I agree with all of this.

Butchyrestingface · 09/10/2022 11:02

Hmm. He DOES sound like a PITA and I can see why your patience is wearing thing. However,

He then spent 15 mins talking to DD about team details of her sport team (he helps out) which I couldn't join in on as it was personal details of the other teens I don't know. I eventually suggested we should talk about something we could all participate in but he couldn't think of a topic.

YABU here, I think, and it's one of those scenarios where posters would probably benefit from hearing your husband's version of events and the relationship more generally.

The one I feel sorry for here is your daughter.

Sunnyqueen · 09/10/2022 11:02

You both sound like petulant teenagers to be honest and as bad as each other. The only person I feel sorry for is your DD.

Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 13:03

RedHelenB · 09/10/2022 10:50

So you make the decision to move on then. It seems silly to begrudge your dd and dh spending time talking about something they both enjoy.

Show quote history

Oh no, I love hearing them chat animatedly about their team, it's a real bonding thing for them and I'm proud of them both for the effort they put in. I just felt they'd already had a long chat about it before we left, then more in the restaurant, and eventually I started feeling left out just sitting there not being able to follow it. I was brought up to see that as a bit rude to conversationally exclude someone by not eventually including someone. I dunno, maybe IABU to want us to have had a chat about something we all could be part of?

For the leave him posters, I love DH, but I'm pretty despondent about our situation and genuinely don't know how to fix it. Yesterday was just a symptom of a greater issue as most petty squabbles are. DD is a happy kid who loves us both and despite the occasional tension she just ignores it.

OP posts:
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