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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by DH's behaviour?

38 replies

PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 09:59

DH and I have been having marriage issues for some years but have been working on things. He had depression but is on meds and in regular counselling for 2 years

AIBU to feel I'm reaching the end of my tether? We went out for a family night out with DD (14) last night - my suggestion. He never has suggestions for outings or holidays.

DH spilled water on the table but left it there and whined "why should I wipe it up"? DD and I were a bit embarrassed and asked him to use a pocket tissue to wipe it up which he eventually did with poor grace.

He then spent 15 mins talking to DD about team details of her sport team (he helps out) which I couldn't join in on as it was personal details of the other teens I don't know. I eventually suggested we should talk about something we could all participate in but he couldn't think of a topic. I had to 'lead' the discussion and twice he reverted to talking to DD about the finer details of the team.

He spent the evening replying to nearly everything DD and I said to him in a jokey defensive denial, like a teenager. No actual chat like an adult.

When I pointed this out to him after the meal he went into a huff and didn't speak and when we got home he denied he was annoyed and acted like I was completely deluded.

I feel like I'm the only adult here....AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 13:06

And I grew up with violently argumentative parents so I would never put a child through living with parental misery. Our marriage is way below optimal but there is still genuine fondness between us. Sometimes MN is too polarised but of course, one can only glimpse snippets.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 09/10/2022 13:28

I don't think you were rude to ask to talk about something else, if they'd been talking about it that long already. DS and I share a hobby, we can have long conversations that make zero sense to DH, so we tend not to have them over dinner.

Your marriage sounds very sad though. Just because it's not as bad as your parents doesn't mean you should stick with it or subject your DD to it.

Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 19:09

Thanks @dreamingbohemian it is sad.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 09/10/2022 19:33

I can't understand why some posters think deliberately excluding someone from a conversation is just 'how it is sometimes' Confused
OP, yanbu. Do you think in a few days you would be able to revisit this with him and would get a more sensible conversation? He sounds extremely tedious but unsure if this is a one off or a general pattern of behaviour.

Whatacarryonthisis · 09/10/2022 19:44

your poor dd

you don’t like each other so end it already what a miserable way to be living life

Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 20:33

VladmirsPoutine · 09/10/2022 19:33

I can't understand why some posters think deliberately excluding someone from a conversation is just 'how it is sometimes' Confused
OP, yanbu. Do you think in a few days you would be able to revisit this with him and would get a more sensible conversation? He sounds extremely tedious but unsure if this is a one off or a general pattern of behaviour.

He probably would be ok about talking about it in a few days but I can't tell you how many times I've raised this exact issue with him before and he won't change. There definitely is a repeated pattern of acting like a teenager, inappropriate behaviour in public like the refusing to mop up spills, blowing his nose in napkins, wiping sweat off his head, shredding beermats, wearing sportswear to nice restaurants, refusing to take initiative with life.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/10/2022 20:46

I empathise OP. Its not nice to exclude someone from a conversation like that. Most people have some social awareness not to do this, but it doesn't sound like your husband has.

If he can't get to the point of intimacy, that's a huge problem. It's hard to tell if he's just depressed or whether he's not interested in you that way anymore.

If he's on medication, that may be affecting his libido.

Does your husband generally struggle with conversation in social settings?

Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 22:45

SandyY2K · 09/10/2022 20:46

I empathise OP. Its not nice to exclude someone from a conversation like that. Most people have some social awareness not to do this, but it doesn't sound like your husband has.

If he can't get to the point of intimacy, that's a huge problem. It's hard to tell if he's just depressed or whether he's not interested in you that way anymore.

If he's on medication, that may be affecting his libido.

Does your husband generally struggle with conversation in social settings?

Thanks. I think what is bothering me the most in all this is his insistence that he loves and is attracted to me, but our sexless marriage and zero attempt to even make the slightest move leaves me wondering if he is trying to get me to leave him. Then he can paint me as the guilty party.

10 years ago he seemed happy and sociable albeit a bit of a messer.

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 09/10/2022 22:52

VladmirsPoutine · 09/10/2022 19:33

I can't understand why some posters think deliberately excluding someone from a conversation is just 'how it is sometimes' Confused
OP, yanbu. Do you think in a few days you would be able to revisit this with him and would get a more sensible conversation? He sounds extremely tedious but unsure if this is a one off or a general pattern of behaviour.

They are just being argumentative. Of course it's really rude to completely exclude one person out of three in a conversation when you're out having dinner.

MsVestibule · 09/10/2022 23:04

DH and I have been having marriage issues for some years

This alone would have me running to the divorce court and that's before you said it's a sexless marriage, at his behest. I know people say you have to work at a marriage, but it really shouldn't be this hard or unenjoyable. If you did split up, I guarantee you'd wonder how the hell you put up with him for so long.

CrazyLadie · 04/02/2023 14:07

PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/10/2022 22:45

Thanks. I think what is bothering me the most in all this is his insistence that he loves and is attracted to me, but our sexless marriage and zero attempt to even make the slightest move leaves me wondering if he is trying to get me to leave him. Then he can paint me as the guilty party.

10 years ago he seemed happy and sociable albeit a bit of a messer.

Show quote history

Meds can also effect his capability to preform, instead of sex why not try intimacy with no expectations. Curl up on the sofa and have a good snog, shoulder rubs, hair stroking that kinda thing. One step at a time, also let him know you expect yer husband to act like an adult not like yer teenage son

Theunamedcat · 04/02/2023 14:13

Honestly I would have just got my phone out and doom scrolled he sounds like hard work

Go out engage with everyone not just one person and exclude the other party

popsypretty · 04/02/2023 15:14

Sounds to me that your marriage is dead in the water, sorry. I'd be making moves to split. Everything he does is pissing you off, imo there's no coming back from that.

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