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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his mum even though he's asked me not to?

44 replies

lawerz · 08/10/2022 22:49

Eldest is close friends with a boy (17) he struggles with his mental health and he has done for a few years, he has attempted suicide a few times.

He was messaging DS today and told him he was at the park and wanted to die, DS went and saw him and brought him back here and has asked to stay tonight, I've said yes but he's asked me not to tell his mum that he wants to die etc.

WIBU to tell her anyway,

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 08/10/2022 22:50

Tell her,

Hesma · 08/10/2022 22:51

I would. I’d also advise him to talk to someone like the Samaritans or kooth

Pinkbananas01 · 08/10/2022 22:52

You need to tell him that while he's welcome to stay this is too important for you not to tell his parents, then tell his mum.

TinfoilTwat · 08/10/2022 22:52

Tell him that you have to tell her - and if not her then his dad or an aunt or someone. Get his input into who you can tell, but tell someone.

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 08/10/2022 22:52

It's a safeguarding issue. Something like this you can't keep confidential. But tell him and explain that you have to tell his mum so he doesn't feel betrayed.

StoneofDestiny · 08/10/2022 22:53

Yes tell her and tell him why you had to

Hbh17 · 08/10/2022 22:53

At 17, I would respect his wishes. Telling his mother could make things much worse.

Julia234 · 08/10/2022 22:53

Absolutely tell her, if anything could be done, it should be done and she needs to know to be able to do that.

Wayk · 08/10/2022 22:53

Please tell his mum. Let him stay, he may need a break from his family.

coffeeandpoetry · 08/10/2022 22:53

It's a difficult subject and I'd normally say it's too important not to mention. But at the same time we don't know if he has a hard time at home and if his mother is aware of his previous suicide attempts. Could you ask your DS some questions to try and get an idea of his home life and relationship with his mother first?

2DemisSVP · 08/10/2022 22:53

I’d tell him you have to report to someone, and then ask whether he’d prefer parent, Dr, or safeguarding lead at school / college. At least he then still has some control. But I don’t think you can not tell anyone.

bloodywhitecat · 08/10/2022 22:55

2DemisSVP · 08/10/2022 22:53

I’d tell him you have to report to someone, and then ask whether he’d prefer parent, Dr, or safeguarding lead at school / college. At least he then still has some control. But I don’t think you can not tell anyone.

This, he may have good reason not to tell his mother but you do need to seek some help for him.

PhillyJoe · 08/10/2022 22:56

2DemisSVP · 08/10/2022 22:53

I’d tell him you have to report to someone, and then ask whether he’d prefer parent, Dr, or safeguarding lead at school / college. At least he then still has some control. But I don’t think you can not tell anyone.

Yes agree with this. You need to tell someone but talk to him about who it will be.

Soberfutures · 08/10/2022 22:58

OK glad and proud your son has asked you to help and his friend also feels safe at yours.

Yes signpost to samaritans and kooth. And if you feel he is in a serious crisis maybe your local NHS crisis team.

Obviously also his parent BUT could his parent be contributing to the suicidal thoughts. Maybe the family dynamic are an issue. So check this out before contacting parents.

HarrietSchulenberg · 08/10/2022 22:59

One of his parents has to know. You can give him the choice of which one to tell, but one of them needs to know.
He sounds like he needs urgent help and unless you are a mental health professional you are unlikely to be able to give it to him.
Tell a parent, and tell them ASAP. You can't sit on this.

GloriousGlory · 08/10/2022 22:59

Not the same but as an example.....

My DS was involved in a very serious RA, he had a potentially serious head injury. The services said they had to contact his family as he had a head injury (he was 23), he said please don't my mum will be really worried (I'd just lost my own mum and he knew I was sad, bless him!). They explained they had to as his injury was potentially life threatening.

The poor lads illness is also life threatening, his DM must know.

Good luck to all.

Vapeyvapevape · 08/10/2022 23:03

Such a difficult situation Op , but this is too big for you to handle and he obviously needs professional help. I would ask him to call 111 or give him the choice of you telling his mum / dad /school .

RunnerDown · 08/10/2022 23:07

Yes you have to tell her. The risk of completing suicide is reduced by talking about it. You need to explain to him how concerned you are and that when people are feeling like this it’s so important that they have the support of the people that love them . There is help available for him and if his family are aware they can support him to get that help and look at ways of keeping him safe in times of crisis.
It will also reduce the responsibility your son must be feeling, and it’s an important lesson for him to learn - that difficult feelings are better being out in the open and talked about .

AltheaVestr1t · 08/10/2022 23:08

Of course you have to tell her!

Bumptious22 · 08/10/2022 23:09

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 08/10/2022 22:52

It's a safeguarding issue. Something like this you can't keep confidential. But tell him and explain that you have to tell his mum so he doesn't feel betrayed.

This.

Moonshine5 · 08/10/2022 23:10

Call the local NHS Crisis team, they should be able to offer guidance

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/10/2022 23:11

If you confirmed in a friend about something and they took it upon themselves to call your mum and tell her because they thought it was too serious for her not to know, how would you feel?

He’s almost at majority age. If he wanted his mum to know he would have told her himself. If he learns that when he opens up to people about his mental health he runs the risk of them not keeping his confidence and telling other people, he’s less likely to be honest with his friends in future - which is a bad outcome.

Tell his mum that he’s at your house and safe and try to encourage him to talk to her and reinforce that you think she’d want to know and help. It should come from him.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/10/2022 23:12

*confirmed = confided

FFSandmoreFFS · 08/10/2022 23:14

Tell her.
It is safeguarding and it may be the difference between him committing suicide or not.

susuo · 08/10/2022 23:21

Not without input from him. It's very important that he makes the decision on who gets to know - these feelings are very personal, and while it's wonderful that he trusts you, he may have a reason not to trust his mum. He also may just not want to worry her. See if you can ask him why he doesn't want to; you may be able to do away with any fears he has about telling her, but if he has good reason, please don't go behind his back. He is old enough to make this decision. And, if you can, try to convince him to talk to someone at a crisis helpline.

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