To tell his mum even though he's asked me not to?

[lawerz]

Eldest is close friends with a boy (17) he struggles with his mental health and he has done for a few years, he has attempted suicide a few times.

He was messaging DS today and told him he was at the park and wanted to die, DS went and saw him and brought him back here and has asked to stay tonight, I've said yes but he's asked me not to tell his mum that he wants to die etc.

WIBU to tell her anyway,

Its really good your ds brought him home - support like that from friends is so valuable. Well done to him.
Keep talking to the young man …and don’t do anything behind his back . Explain that you will have to tell someone as you want to be able to help but he does need professional help.

People can and do recover from these feelings of suicide. Give him the choice though - a&e / crisis team or GP?

I appreciate people think tell his mum / dad but it’s very complex and you do have to respect his choice too. But he does need some help from someone professional too.
And thank you for trying to help OP.

Poor thing. Your DS sounds like a very good friend.

Do you know the boy quite well? If so would you feel comfortable with a having a chat with him in the morning over a cuppa. Tell him you’re concerned for him and help is out there!

If you and your DS believe he is in immediate danger of harming himself please call 999 or your local crisis team.

You absolutely must to tell her. He's already attempted to end his life, and I'm assuming she is aware of that, so whilst it may be horrendous for her to hear you utter those words, it won't be her first time. You have no professional reason not to disclose, and even then, confidentiality goes out of the window when it comes to hurting yourself or others. Imagine the guilt you'd feel. Whilst he is not your responsibility, your actions, or lack of, are.

Also, he needs referring to professionals.

How can his mum try and keep him safe and assess the risks if she is kept in the dark. Wouldn't ever mother want to know if her son is feeling suicidal. It's a safeguarding issue and keeping children safe trumps confidentiality.

My biggest regret? When I was 17 my friend confided that he'd attempted suicide 6 months earlier but the belt had broken and hed woken on the floor. No one knew. Being young and stupid I made him promise not to try again. I didnt tell his parents.

4 months later he tried again and succeeded. I will never ever get over it.

I really hope WIBU stands for Was I being unreasonable and not Would I be unreasonable.

Yes, I do know him well. He does see camhs currently. I'm not sure if his mum knows about all of the attempts but she would know about some of them as he was in hospital. DS did tell me about a month or 2 ago that he attempted suicide the day before and when his mum had asked he said he hadn't but when he admitted that he had she refused to take him to hospital which could be why he doesn't want her to know now.

He does seem okay-ish now he's watching something with DS so he isn't in immediate danger

@lawerz you need to tell her. Would you want to know?

Yes you should tell his mum. However I work in CP and I am very aware that that some parents will deal with this in the way you would hope, a few maybe not. However, before you contact his parents, you need to sit down and talk to him. Let him tell you what is going on but be clear that you then need to tell parents unless he tells you something that means it is not safe to do so. Then you tell him you are contacting Children's Services.

It is likely he will tell you his parents will not care, this may or may not be the case. You can also contact school/college if you get joy from parents. Get a feel from him what is going on. I love working with teenagers but some do have leaning towards drama, just be careful not to get drawn into that. I am not minimising the times I have had referrals for teenagers who were emotionally vulnerable/suffering emotional abuse at home- however the reality is often it is a falling out, a young person has made an accusation that has ended up with the police/children's services getting involved with no substance. The same with threats of suicide
/self harm. That does not mean that every thing is okay at home- just that it is not always black and white.

Sorry, posted before your update. Contact his mum and also the crisis team.

You must tell her right away. You're a parent; wouldn't you want to know if it was your child at risk?

Imagine how you would feel after, if you hadn't given his mum any warning or chance to stop it.

Your daughter is too young to carry his burden of suicide threats/attempts. It may damage her mental health or even endanger her life and safety.

At 17, I would respect his wishes. Telling his mother could make things much worse

What’s worse than her son committing suicide?

Tell her and also call for an ambulance.

Any suicidal fixation warrants medical attention.

Do not try to manage this on your own. The boy needs medical help and if he doesn't, then he is playing games with people for attention.

As someone who's been the kid in this scenario, one way it might be "worse" is that being told that someone is about to be informed that you're suicidal — someone who will try to stop you when they find out — can make you panic, and turn vague, undated future plans into an imminent attempt. A kind of, "If I don't do it now I'll lose the option altogether" state of mind. Even if the reason you shared it with someone was that you're unsure, or you think you kinda might want somebody to dissuade you maybe.

Of course that doesn't mean don't share the information. But it can be a risky time.

You have had a variety of answers here , you don't know who is or isn't a professional in this field, so how do you pick a solution from the answers you have had ? This is why it's important to get him to contact a professional, not necessarily his mum but maybe the crisis team.

I would talk to him and try to gently encourage him to talk to his mum himself. If he doesn’t want to, why is that? Does he have good reason for not wanting her to know? Is there someone else (another relative, someone at college) he would consider talking to instead?

I’m surprised by all the definitive ‘yes, tell her’ responses. Sadly not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. His parents could be abusive, for all we know, and telling them something like this could make the poor lad’s life so much worse.

Your latest update about her refusing to take him to the hospital last time seems to indicate that she might not react to this news in the concerned, caring way that most MNers would hope for.

Well yes of course you tell someone, he's suicidal and could actually kill himself, I'm surprised you have to ask. If not his mum, a doctor, school, anyone. What you don't do is nothing 🙄

I have spoken to him today and he told me he doesn't want his mum to know as she won't care but has said he will talk to his social worker