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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't go up there

33 replies

Anonforthis234 · 08/10/2022 17:51

and listen to DH try to talk down my anguished 21-year old autistic son, who's away at university (for the third yeat, but repeating his second). He is struggling so so much and I don't know how to help him. He's been ill, diagnosed with ADHD and is on new medication, and is crying down the phone to DH. I'm not sure uni is the right place for him but he will feel such a failure to come home and I know that DH will feel the same. Have name changed. Need a handhold (well really, DS does. But nothing seems to be helping).

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/10/2022 17:53

It’s not a failure to come home. If it’s not right, it’s not right.

NoYouSirName · 08/10/2022 17:54

Could he transfer to a uni nearer home or is that not an option? Make sure you tell him that it is absolutely ok to come home.

Do uni know he’s struggling? With his permission you could speak to his personal tutor and disabled students services to see what support can be put in place for him?

IndigoHexagon · 08/10/2022 17:57

There are other ways of getting a degree these days.
what about it doesn’t suit him? The student accommodation, the classes, or everything about it? If student services are unable to help, and he does come home he could do a credit transfer to a closer university or he’s suffering with social phobia, the. The Open University might work better.

SnarkyBag · 08/10/2022 17:59

Bring him home the poor love. As others have said it’s not failure and there are other ways.

BoudiccaVibes · 08/10/2022 17:59

Arr no no, get him home. Living away at Uni is not for everyone. Get your boy home and discuss options; transfer to local Uni, distance, etc.

Liila · 08/10/2022 18:00

Agree with others, go pick him up. It isn't working, give him some TLC then think of options.

DeliberatelyObtuse · 08/10/2022 18:01

Go and get him

Hearthnhome · 08/10/2022 18:02

Dd was home from Uni this weekend. She knows 5 people who have made changes. 2 have decided against uni altogether and 3 moved uni and course.

It’s really not usual. There’s nothing wrong with realising the university or course (or both) is not right. Her 3rd year room mates says it’s normal as well and happened in year 2 and this year.

I also get you may not be able to convince ds of that. It’s must be so hard for you all.

Did he ever settle in, in previous years? Is there one particular aspect he is struggling with?

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 08/10/2022 18:02

Are they asking you to go?

Did DS fail last year because the work is beyond him or because he couldn't organise himself studying properly or was he too unhappy with the living/social side?

Dud he want to repeat y2 this year, or did he feel he had to?

Does his Dad accept his LD?

what do you think would be best for him?

Original poster
Anonforthis234 · 08/10/2022 18:17

Thanks for all your replies, so quickly. I of course did end up going and talking to him as well as DH. I think we need to talk to his (extensive but useless) support team at uni about whether he should come home. He went back largely because his tutor /advisor told him his credits wouldn't transfer. I've since found out that's not necessarily true. (He has a new advisor now.)
He did OK the first year - there was only coursework to focus on (lockdowns) and I think it was easier. The coursework is harder and his schedule is gruelling.
We don't have a car and of course there are train strikes this and next weekend.
He did brilliantly at GCSE and A-levels,we never anticipated he'd struggle this much.

OP posts:
ella142 · 08/10/2022 18:28

I struggled so much when I first started university. I'm autistic and had always struggled with new places and people, and knew it would be hard but I didn't expect the state I was in in the first term (and to an extent the whole first year). I was anxious to the point that I couldn't eat and felt suicidal. I didn't want to go home as I knew uni was what I needed (wanted to work in academia/research) and my friends and parents provided a lot of handholding and frequent visits whilst I was settling. It must have been really hard for them as well. Something that really helped was that one of my old teachers had an ex-pupil who had gone to the same uni and also struggled in the same way, and she actually came to visit and talked through stuff. It took time but I eventually settled, then went on to work at the same uni and complete a PhD there. I still live in my uni town and work for the uni. I guess just trying to say it can be really, really bad but also it can get better and staying is the right choice for some people. I also know friends who dropped out and that was the best fit for them. I think the thing for me is the course was the best suited one for me (and I enjoyed the academic side), it was relatively close to my family (1.5h away) and I knew that wherever I went I'd have similar issues as it wasn't the uni per se just moving away from my really familiar life. I'm not sure I'd ever have moved from my home town if I'd gone home so for me sticking it out, despite having an awful first year, was the right choice.

SquirrelFan · 08/10/2022 20:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Alltheseasonsaregood · 08/10/2022 20:46

Would the gp sign him.off for a while .. give him time to reflect, reduce anxiety, get support.
Its v hard to think when you are so stressed and possibly in an anxiett state. This state is not one in which to.take big decisions. The heat needs to be taken out of the situation. .do the uni offer councelling via student support? Or via gp?

Shittytittybangbang · 08/10/2022 21:00

My ADHD plus child lives at home and does mostly on-line learning. Is this an option for your son? There was no way he was mature enough to live away.

Asparagoose · 08/10/2022 21:12

If my child was crying I’d bring him straight home and sort the rest out later. He can suspend the course till he feels ready or possibly transfer elsewhere. Even if he ends up not finishing university because it isn’t the right choice for him, that’s ok too. There was a story in the news earlier this week about a man the same age who killed himself because of mental health issues whilst away at university, it’s not worth the risk. Get him home and safe.

Original poster
Anonforthis234 · 08/10/2022 21:30

Thanks for your perspective @ella142. Not sure that sticking it out will work. Talked to him again and DH made the mistake of suggesting that he try to get some work done... He got very upset... DH is now looking into bringing him home...possibly just for the time being. I don't dare contact DS about it as he said he was going to try and go to bed. I don't want to stir him up again, I'm hoping he's managed to calm down. I'll try to speak to him in the morning.
He's had counselling, private and uni, for a while. Don't think it's helping much.
The logistics of switching uni/stopping uni, etc. seem overwhelming. Does anyone know of any resources? Also he's got no friends here - he didn't socialise at all over the summer. He was so isolated. At least at uni there is a larger pool of people to befriend, and lots of organised activities.

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 08/10/2022 21:42

I wonder whether open university would suit him better? Your poor son, it doesn't help that university is held up at this fantastic place for everyone to go to. It's just not like that for everyone.

TirisfalPumpkin · 08/10/2022 21:53

On counselling - it often doesn’t work for autistic people. Being repeatedly told to name your feelings and respond to hypothetical situations is not compatible with the way our minds work - got to be autism-specialist counselling, in my experience, to be effective (apologies if you’ve tried this, just wanted to suggest an avenue worth exploring)

you sound like good supportive parents.

YetAnotherNameChange52 · 08/10/2022 22:07

I'm worried about this too OP - my eldest (dx with ASD and ADHD) will be going to uni and living away from home next September, and I'm worried about how he'll cope. I've talked about various options with him if he's struggling - moving to a uni nearer to us so he can live at home, taking a break for a couple of weeks to give himself space, going back a step (as your son has done) etc.

I'm also saying that he doesn't have to take a degree (he doesn't - the profession he wants to go into has all sorts of different entry routes, including apprenticeships). But he wants to, so that's that for now.

I'm just trying to make sure he doesn't feel he has to stick to just one path if that path is making him mentally ill, and is flexible enough to change direction if needed (something he can have problems with).

CuriousCatfish · 08/10/2022 22:10

Go and get him. I would.

ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 08/10/2022 22:29

Show him this thread, @Anonforthis234

BagpussBagpussOldFatFurryCatpuss · 08/10/2022 22:33

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 08/10/2022 21:42

I wonder whether open university would suit him better? Your poor son, it doesn't help that university is held up at this fantastic place for everyone to go to. It's just not like that for everyone.

This.
He should come home.

Wayk · 08/10/2022 22:35

My heart breaks for both you and your son. Hopefully talking to his dad will give him reassurance and comfort.

Feelinglikeachange22 · 08/10/2022 22:43

Go and get him. If he's that miserable you need to get him home (speaking as someone who has worked in he for over 20 years).

Leftbutcameback · 08/10/2022 22:43

I really struggled at uni in years one and two. Tried to transfer but it wouldn't work. My personal tutor was unexpectedly supportive in a way that really resonated with me and years three and four were much better. I never talked to my parents about it, I was embarrassed because uni was meant to be this amazing experience. You sound so supportive, I'm sure your DH is grateful for that. Good luck x

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