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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I can't go up there

33 replies

Anonforthis234 · 08/10/2022 17:51

and listen to DH try to talk down my anguished 21-year old autistic son, who's away at university (for the third yeat, but repeating his second). He is struggling so so much and I don't know how to help him. He's been ill, diagnosed with ADHD and is on new medication, and is crying down the phone to DH. I'm not sure uni is the right place for him but he will feel such a failure to come home and I know that DH will feel the same. Have name changed. Need a handhold (well really, DS does. But nothing seems to be helping).

OP posts:
MacarenaMacarena · 09/10/2022 00:20

Students can suspend themselves if needed. Student loan suspends too.

2bazookas · 09/10/2022 02:37

Talk to his tutor, see what they suggest.

Elleherd · 09/10/2022 04:19

Just picking up on this: The logistics of switching uni/stopping uni, etc. seem overwhelming. Does anyone know of any resources? Also he's got no friends here - he didn't socialise at all over the summer. He was so isolated. At least at uni there is a larger pool of people to befriend, and lots of organized activities.

I'm a v. mature uni student, with a successfully graduated Ds with ASD. Some of our reasoning as parents re socializing doesn't work out for all students at all unis. This is my view from POV of both parent and student. Sorry it's so long, but I'm not well enough to edit!

Those organized activities require the students to actively engage with the societies running them generally. If he has any v.basic religious belief the Christian societies actually can be quite good if often seen as uncool. Look for Kharis, or Kharis on campus, they have external backing as well as SU.
They should have some sort of disabled students group that is a different basis from societies. (also black, women's, and LGBT++++)
Our's is poor, but it comes down to who's running it, volunteering for committee and how good his SU is, because that's who's running them, not actually the uni, they're just bankrolling. Post Freshers week, possibly 'welcome month,' only the students who work at staying connected to active societies do organized activities. Often not all it's cracked up to be. Extensive and expensive and great opportunities for those who pull it together and get how to do it, but vastly different to what it looks like from the outside for many.

The larger pool of people to befriend takes time and energy and others to want to be befriended, and can be very hard going for those lacking NT social skills or confidence.

I have a small group of autistic lads around me because having an autistic DS they've spotted I get them, and I do push to try to help them get better accepted, because honestly, it's going to take some more years that they've got. But they would happily settle for taking over my life rather than pushing forward to make actual friends if I let them, even though I'm really unsuitable 'friend' material beyond giving a stuff and translating coursework.

Ds can go off sick, depending on his course may even be able to work from home as a reasonable adjustment, and or officially suspend studies and thus his loan, and still return, or seek to transfer to a local uni, this year or next.

He quite possibly needs to give you advocacy rights so you can talk to disability services and his tutor, as well as progression who can help explain trying to change unis and courses etc and the need for compatibility of marking schemes. If organized with local unis he might want to go to, you can then talk with them about reality of transferable credits etc. Transferring standard subjects between yr 1 and 2 is quite normal. Year one is pass fail and doesn't count towards his marks beyond passing it. Year 2 marks do, and can be cashed in for a Higher Education Qualification at the end if he was unable to continue, and can also be used to pull up a disastrous year 3's marks in some circumstances. If yr 3 is good yr 2's marks mean little. The big issue is not using up the loan while not able to study and being unable to afford to complete, which is why learning and loan can be suspended together.

He could also drop now go for direct yr2 entry elsewhere next year and only require a small addition to top up fees at the end of year 3.

Quite honestly a lot of uni's are geared up to putting student retention before students needs, because student drop out figures affect them badly and generally most will limp through however unhappily if given no/low choice. Those who can't only bother them when things go horribly wrong.

My Ds (ASD) made me his shared advocate which got him through a deteriorating miserable 1st year, and ended up changing university and courses from something sensible and theoretically ASD suited, to something worryingly hand to mouth that actually brought joy and was the making of him. He did however live at home, is a proficient masker (at cost) and was able to make friends but only superficial ones at his 1st uni, and pushed his way into my uni for his new course.
The biggest thing is to make sure your Ds feels he does have choices and that even if he can't enact them this week, next week, because of practical reasons, he isn't trapped in a black or white swim or sink situation. Oh and it's a full moon out there, my class and societies what's app is pinging away with unsettled students.

ittakes2 · 09/10/2022 05:04

There are 5 children in my family and every single one of us started uni degrees as young adults and then ended up pulling out after a year or two. We all now have uni degrees and post grads and my brother is a uni lecturer - it’s just none of us completed the degrees we thought we wanted after high school.
If your husband thinks your son would be failing pulling out that is half your problem. How can it not be ok for someone so young as your son to try something and then say this is not working but I have learnt something about myself through the process?
I have adhd if he is newly diagnosed then he has lots of life and study skills to learn. He is over whelmed. He is crying for a reason. He is already repeating a year. Ask his uni if he can take a break and return when his mental health is better.

mycatisannoying · 09/10/2022 08:19

Uni didn't work out for my autistic daughter, even though it was in the same city and she was living at home!
She's bright and the work side of things would have been ok, but she struggled socially there.
She's working now and prefers that.
Hope you manage to find a solution Flowers

Anonforthis234 · 09/10/2022 11:13

Thanks for so many supportive messages. He seems a bit better today. We've suggested he not take his adhd meds for today, as I fear they may be contributing to his anxiety. (Apparently according to his adhd Dr, they're not the 'build up in your system' type, but rather the 'take them to get through the day' type. ) We're arranging for him to come home next weekend and we'll be having a meeting with one of the support team tomorrow - she may be better able to help us with options. We can decide next week if he wants to stay at home, try and get through the rest of the term, or what.

OP posts:
Motnight · 09/10/2022 11:16

Glad there is a plan in place Op.

I have no experience of a ND child. However my NT child had a very difficult time at university and it was really hard knowing what advice to give her.

Anonforthis234 · 09/12/2022 16:36

Update : Everyone on here was so supportive, I'm back in the hope of more good advice. He tried for another week and then the uni basically gave him the boot for mental health reasons. We were relieved because he kept trying and finally it was taken out of his (our) hands. He's been home now for about a month, trying a new ADHD medication, not doing anything else.
His mental health has not improved. He's still having outbursts and meltdowns, triggered by anything as mild as the realisation that he forgot to take his meds or didn't get out of bed when he meant to.
They're really loud and frightening, I imagine, to people who can hear. We are definitely not making any demands on him.
He seems filled with self loathing. The thing is, he has autism and ADHD. He just isn't as good at many other young people at most things (I could never tell him that).
He's seeing a counselor (privately), who seems really wishy washy, says she's given him 'strategies' to deal with his (anger? anxiety?), but he doesn't appear to be using them.
He's at home all day watching YouTube videos. No friends, no social life, and 1 volunteering gig every few weeks (he's signed up for another one, but they're very particular so he's not able to start for a while.) I can't even imagine him getting a job. I feel like we need to do something to help him!

TL:DR he's home, not better. Any advice?

OP posts:
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