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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP or AIBU over the car?

52 replies

Bluebal · 08/10/2022 15:13

During covid and lockdowns DP and I both ended up in jobs working fully from home, we decided to utilise this and go down to one car between us, sold DP's and began sharing the costs of one car (petrol, tax and insurance). We both owned our cars outright but DP didn't get a lot for his so I just told him to keep it in his savings rather than putting it in the joint account.

Circumstances earlier this year changed as we changed jobs within a month of each other and both needed to spend some time in the office (DP 3 days and me 1 day), we struggled with sharing the car between us for a month or so before deciding actually it would make much more sense going back to 2 cars. We had recently come into a substantial amount of inheritance from his family (which went straight to our joint savings) so decided to use this money to purchase a decent secondhand car but agreed that as we could afford it would pay that money back into savings each month 50/50 over 3 years to replace what we had used, we had a very detailed conversation at this point that we would treat both cars as ours, split all costs for both cars 50/50 and we could just use the cars interchangeably based on our work requirements.

After purchasing the car DP realised he could only have one number plate on the car parking at work and as our office days were the same one day of the week he would always have to take the newer car. I was a bit annoyed at this as my office is much further away (2 hour commute) and the older car isn't as reliable or fuel efficient but it was what it was and I just put up with it.

DP is changing jobs again and will now need to spend 5 days a week in the office. I mentioned this morning how nice it would be to take the newer car (as its just a nicer car all round) on my day in the office now he's starting his new job. He laughed and told me no chance.

So AIBU to stop treating the cars as "ours" when clearly DP sees the newer car as his? Why should I be paying for a car which I only get to drive on a weekend when that is the car we would use anyway when we go out as a family as its bigger. I may as well use the money to upgrade my own older car for something more fuel efficient and nicer to drive for my commute.

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 08/10/2022 15:16

Basically he's not sharing it hardly. You need a detailed agreement that's written and explains the breakdown of how much you will pay etc, depending on your usage allowance etc

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/10/2022 15:18

It all sounds a bit petty tbh. It seems like you treat all money as joint money anyway, so it isn’t you paying for the car, it’s the household.

FleeUpFreeTime · 08/10/2022 15:18

Why does it matter which car you commute to and from work in?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 08/10/2022 15:21

FleeUpFreeTime · 08/10/2022 15:18

Why does it matter which car you commute to and from work in?

Because she has a two hour commute and the car she is commuting in is less reliable and less fuel efficient. Paragraph 3.

Discovereads · 08/10/2022 15:23

Ok, YANBU in that your DH is treating the car as his car. The whole shared cars thing is obviously a massive failure.

But I voted YABU and by this I mean both of you for over complicating your finances to the illogical extreme. No wonder you are having arguments and detailed conversations and feeling angry about such minor things. Whatever set up finances you have is also a massive failure and you are both dooming yourselves to more disagreements about money in the future by having it.

Original poster
Bluebal · 08/10/2022 15:23

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/10/2022 15:18

It all sounds a bit petty tbh. It seems like you treat all money as joint money anyway, so it isn’t you paying for the car, it’s the household.

We don't treat all money as joint money though and that's the thing. We have joint savings that we both contribute to and when we have bigger sums (inheritance, gifts etc.) they go there, a joint account to cover all household bills that we pay 50/50 into but ultimately the remainder of our salaries/money is our own to do with as we please. Prior to going down to one car we always treated cars as an individual expense but i now don't see why I should pay towards a car that I never get to use without asking him first, that's not sharing it, that's his car.

OP posts:
Discovereads · 08/10/2022 15:24

*DP, not DH. Sorry.

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 08/10/2022 15:27

It sounds unreasonable all round

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/10/2022 15:28

Bluebal · 08/10/2022 15:23

We don't treat all money as joint money though and that's the thing. We have joint savings that we both contribute to and when we have bigger sums (inheritance, gifts etc.) they go there, a joint account to cover all household bills that we pay 50/50 into but ultimately the remainder of our salaries/money is our own to do with as we please. Prior to going down to one car we always treated cars as an individual expense but i now don't see why I should pay towards a car that I never get to use without asking him first, that's not sharing it, that's his car.

Show quote history

If you don’t treat all money as joint then tell him he can take his inheritance money out of the joint account and put it into his personal savings and then you’ll each pay to run your own cars.

Original poster
Bluebal · 08/10/2022 15:28

Discovereads · 08/10/2022 15:23

Ok, YANBU in that your DH is treating the car as his car. The whole shared cars thing is obviously a massive failure.

But I voted YABU and by this I mean both of you for over complicating your finances to the illogical extreme. No wonder you are having arguments and detailed conversations and feeling angry about such minor things. Whatever set up finances you have is also a massive failure and you are both dooming yourselves to more disagreements about money in the future by having it.

I would agree with you about over complicated finances but there are reasons for this, I was in a previous relationship where I was massively financially taken advantage of and it has left me feeling very cautious with money. DP and I have been together over 6 years, living together for 4 and have only in the last 9 months set up a joint account.
We have spreadsheets for our shared bills and budgeting and 9 times out of 10 works well for us how we work with money.

OP posts:
missmamiecuddleduck · 08/10/2022 15:29

Highly unlikely only one plate allowed on the lot. An excuse as he wants to drive the new car.

Sell the old car and buy yourself a newer one.

LannieDuck · 08/10/2022 15:31

Upgrade your car and treat it as a joint expense also. He's set a precedent that your personal cars are jointly funded.

Tohaveandtohold · 08/10/2022 15:36

I’m with you on this one. You’re not getting use of the car so it’s not a joint car. I don’t see why you have to share in the expense for it.
He’s petty as there’s no big deal in him letting you drive the car once a week on your long commute.
Since you don’t share finances as such, I’ll tell him I’m no longer paying for his car as it’s clearly his and you sell your car and spend what you get and what you pay towards his own car to upgrade yours

UnCivil · 08/10/2022 15:38

missmamiecuddleduck · 08/10/2022 15:29

Highly unlikely only one plate allowed on the lot. An excuse as he wants to drive the new car.

Sell the old car and buy yourself a newer one.

Not unlikely at all. I’m only allowed to register one vehicle at my workplace also.

UnCivil · 08/10/2022 15:39

YANBU OP

RosesAndHellebores · 08/10/2022 15:44

Would he mind if you upgraded the old car from joint money?

gamerchick · 08/10/2022 15:54

Sharing hasn't worked, it's obvious. Him laughing would have tipped me over the edge.

Tell him as he isn't sharing. The cars all his and you'll be upgrading with the money you're saving.

He can't say nowt. Then hide the spare key, because you know he'll want to share cars then.

Original poster
Bluebal · 08/10/2022 15:57

RosesAndHellebores · 08/10/2022 15:44

Would he mind if you upgraded the old car from joint money?

He would probably moan about it, we do have plans for the joint savings which is why we are paying the money back into there each month. I have a decent paying job but probably wouldn't be able to afford paying for what has become his car and another amount to upgrade my car too. I have a small amount of my own sole savings but not enough to replace my old car with something decent. If I used the money from the joint account to buy myself a new car he would expect me to pay it back within 3 years like we are with the other car and I just don't think that's feasible for me right now unless I stop contributing towards his car costs too.

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 08/10/2022 15:58

missmamiecuddleduck · 08/10/2022 15:29

Highly unlikely only one plate allowed on the lot. An excuse as he wants to drive the new car.

Sell the old car and buy yourself a newer one.

It is at my work , car pass issued specific to vehicle and registration plate

EfficientDynamics · 08/10/2022 16:03

A car gets you from A to B

It doesn't matter what make or model it is, they all do the same thing

wombat1a · 08/10/2022 16:03

missmamiecuddleduck · 08/10/2022 15:29

Highly unlikely only one plate allowed on the lot. An excuse as he wants to drive the new car.

Sell the old car and buy yourself a newer one.

No at all, I used to share driving in with my DF, because only he had an allocated slot we ended up buying a joint 3rd car (His, mine and ours) and using the ours for the commute, he drove one week and I drove the 2nd - all bill we split exactly down the middle.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/10/2022 16:07

I now don't see why I should pay towards a car that I never get to use without asking him first, that's not sharing it, that's his car.

Tell him this and stop paying towards it then, especially if he kept the money from selling his original car.

wombat1a · 08/10/2022 16:08

YABU, taking a newer car for 1 day a week commute instead of him having it for 5 day a week commute doesn't make any sense. He can't use the newer one 4 days and the older one for 1 day cos of the parking regs at his place. Newer cars tend to be far more comfortable and fuel efficient than older ones so it just all makes sense for whoever does the most commuting to use the newer one.

Original poster
Bluebal · 08/10/2022 16:08

EfficientDynamics · 08/10/2022 16:03

A car gets you from A to B

It doesn't matter what make or model it is, they all do the same thing

And I somewhat agree with you here but if I am doing 4 hours of driving (2 hours each way) why should I be using a car which is old, less reliable, less fuel efficient and not as comfortable when I am paying towards one which is the opposite of all those things but not getting to drive it.

OP posts:
Midnights · 08/10/2022 16:08

I think slightly YABU - if it's being used as the family car at the weekend then it is benefiting you and the family. I also can only have one car registered with security at work! If it was a little sports car unfit for the family to use, then yes it would be cheeky!

If it came from his family inheritance, and you're both paying that gap back because you have plans for your joint savings pot - I would stop thinking of it like you're paying back his car cost, more than you're paying towards your joint savings goal. You've already gained from having the inheritance out in the joint savings account.

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