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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP or AIBU over the car?

52 replies

Bluebal · 08/10/2022 15:13

During covid and lockdowns DP and I both ended up in jobs working fully from home, we decided to utilise this and go down to one car between us, sold DP's and began sharing the costs of one car (petrol, tax and insurance). We both owned our cars outright but DP didn't get a lot for his so I just told him to keep it in his savings rather than putting it in the joint account.

Circumstances earlier this year changed as we changed jobs within a month of each other and both needed to spend some time in the office (DP 3 days and me 1 day), we struggled with sharing the car between us for a month or so before deciding actually it would make much more sense going back to 2 cars. We had recently come into a substantial amount of inheritance from his family (which went straight to our joint savings) so decided to use this money to purchase a decent secondhand car but agreed that as we could afford it would pay that money back into savings each month 50/50 over 3 years to replace what we had used, we had a very detailed conversation at this point that we would treat both cars as ours, split all costs for both cars 50/50 and we could just use the cars interchangeably based on our work requirements.

After purchasing the car DP realised he could only have one number plate on the car parking at work and as our office days were the same one day of the week he would always have to take the newer car. I was a bit annoyed at this as my office is much further away (2 hour commute) and the older car isn't as reliable or fuel efficient but it was what it was and I just put up with it.

DP is changing jobs again and will now need to spend 5 days a week in the office. I mentioned this morning how nice it would be to take the newer car (as its just a nicer car all round) on my day in the office now he's starting his new job. He laughed and told me no chance.

So AIBU to stop treating the cars as "ours" when clearly DP sees the newer car as his? Why should I be paying for a car which I only get to drive on a weekend when that is the car we would use anyway when we go out as a family as its bigger. I may as well use the money to upgrade my own older car for something more fuel efficient and nicer to drive for my commute.

OP posts:
PaniniHead · 08/10/2022 16:08

Agree with others- stop paying towards his and buy your own. Sounds like he’s going to moan whatever the option you go down. At least way you get a nice car out of it

girlmom21 · 08/10/2022 16:09

missmamiecuddleduck · 08/10/2022 15:29

Highly unlikely only one plate allowed on the lot. An excuse as he wants to drive the new car.

Sell the old car and buy yourself a newer one.

My last job had a car park where the barriers had ANPR and could only register one car

MadMadMadamMim · 08/10/2022 16:11

I'd tell him that as he was using the car 100% of the time that he could pay 100% of the repayments. And I'd stop contributing to it entirely.

I'd then either buy a better one myself, or stick with your older model. But I wouldn't be giving him 50% of the money towards a car I didn't get to use.

girlmom21 · 08/10/2022 16:11

I don't think you should stop paying your half for the car as it's still an asset in your relationship and helps him get to work.

If he can't get to work he can't pay his way.

BadNomad · 08/10/2022 16:13

But you were using your car for your commute anyway. So why all of a sudden is it unreliable and inefficient? It's alright to be jealous that he gets to use the nicer car more often, but don't pretend your car is not still useable. Or if it isn't roadworthy, then it shouldn't be on the road anyway.

PaniniHead · 08/10/2022 16:14

girlmom21 · 08/10/2022 16:11

I don't think you should stop paying your half for the car as it's still an asset in your relationship and helps him get to work.

If he can't get to work he can't pay his way.

They don’t appear to be married so if they split then she wouldn’t be able to claim half the value anyways. Also for the aforementioned reason- you’d be pretty stupid to purchase a car if you rely on someone else to pay half.
OP, if you have any inheritance in the joint savings and you aren’t married, I’d take it out and keep it separate. I definitely wouldn’t be directly contributing to his savings.

Original poster
Bluebal · 08/10/2022 16:14

wombat1a · 08/10/2022 16:08

YABU, taking a newer car for 1 day a week commute instead of him having it for 5 day a week commute doesn't make any sense. He can't use the newer one 4 days and the older one for 1 day cos of the parking regs at his place. Newer cars tend to be far more comfortable and fuel efficient than older ones so it just all makes sense for whoever does the most commuting to use the newer one.

But he's changing jobs where it won't matter in terms of parking what car he takes and with a much shorter commute than me. Surely one day a week he can put up with taking a less comfortable car?!

I'm going to have a chat to him tonight once the kids are in bed and explain that it doesn't seem like this is a shared car but actually his car so I feel it would be better for me to stop contributing back to the savings pot for it and use that money to purchase a more comfortable car that is mine instead.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/10/2022 16:20

What did he say when he said 'no chance', surely you asked 'why, its half mine, and I'm using it these days'?

What would happen if you just went in earlier and took it those days?

If talking about it or taking the car doesnt work then I'd start putting the odd fuel purchase on the joint account if it's less fuel efficient as why should you subsidise his new car while paying more for your old one

Soubriquet · 08/10/2022 16:20

Stop contributing towards his car. If he says it isn’t his car, then ask why you aren’t allowed to drive it to work.

He won’t like or have an answer to that.

Then go and buy your own new car

Original poster
Bluebal · 08/10/2022 16:22

BadNomad · 08/10/2022 16:13

But you were using your car for your commute anyway. So why all of a sudden is it unreliable and inefficient? It's alright to be jealous that he gets to use the nicer car more often, but don't pretend your car is not still useable. Or if it isn't roadworthy, then it shouldn't be on the road anyway.

I have only had this job with this commute for as long as we have had the nicer car, it was one of the reasons we chose this particular car for its fuel economy and some of the features for motorway driving. We didn't realise till after we brought it DP could only have one car on the parking at work. The older car isn't unroadworthy but is a basic model without things like cruise control, satnav and Bluetooth connection which makes a long commute not as comfortable. It also drinks petrol so whilst my commute in the newer car uses just over a quarter of a tank of petrol, in the older car it uses over half a tank. They cost a similar amount to fill up. The older car is still safe but just has the pitfalls of being 15 years old and what was at the time a cheap little run around.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 08/10/2022 16:25

I dunno. I just think if he has put his inheritance into joint savings, you shouldn't really be squabbling over a car. Be careful how you approach him with this.

Musti · 08/10/2022 16:25

Definitely stop paying for his as it is only benefitting you. I wouldn’t bother upgrading just for commuting one day unless it made financial sense.

GroggyLegs · 08/10/2022 16:27

EfficientDynamics · 08/10/2022 16:03

A car gets you from A to B

It doesn't matter what make or model it is, they all do the same thing

I disagree. All cars are not created equal.

You can really do damage regularly travelling long distances in an Astra cars with no lumbar support, a seat that can't be adjusted properly, in a crappy driving position.

Yes OP, you should have the most comfortable car for the one day a week you need it. Or do this:

I may as well use the money to upgrade my own older car for something more fuel efficient and nicer to drive for my commute.

mytrueaccount · 08/10/2022 16:27

I don't quite understand why, when he could only register one number plate, you both assumed therefore he should register the newer instead of the older car. If you have a longer commute it is necessary for you to have the more reliable car.

Original poster
Bluebal · 08/10/2022 16:29

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/10/2022 16:20

What did he say when he said 'no chance', surely you asked 'why, its half mine, and I'm using it these days'?

What would happen if you just went in earlier and took it those days?

If talking about it or taking the car doesnt work then I'd start putting the odd fuel purchase on the joint account if it's less fuel efficient as why should you subsidise his new car while paying more for your old one

I was literally going out the door as he made those comments as I was going to visit my grandparents and he's taken the kids to see his parents. I said "I guess you are taking the newer car today?" And he replied with "of course". I just pointed out that when he starts his new job this week I am looking forward to being able to drive the new car on my day in the office and he said "no chance" and kind of scoffed and laughed. I think I said something like yeah we will see. But the more I have been thinking about it the more annoyed I get with it.

There was an incident a few weeks back where our toddler was poorly and needed to stay home from nursery, it was my day in the office and I had meetings so DP worked from home to look after him. When I took the key for the nicer car when leaving the house he asked me what I was doing and then moaned that he still needed to take the eldest to school so I needed to take the old car. I told him he was being ridiculous but he then made some bullshit about the new car being on our drive and the old car being in the space round the corner and how difficult that would be with the poorly toddler, I was already late for work as I needed to change my clothes after DS was sick over me so I just took the old car to save an argument.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebal · 08/10/2022 16:33

BadNomad · 08/10/2022 16:25

I dunno. I just think if he has put his inheritance into joint savings, you shouldn't really be squabbling over a car. Be careful how you approach him with this.

Not only his inheritance, yes that is a substantial amount but over time I have put large sums giving by my grandparents on multiple occasions into this account also. Although it is only recently that we have had a joint current account we have had a joint savings account where we both have to sign to get access for a number of years and it's not just been his money topping this up.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 08/10/2022 16:34

Just take it next week without comment, you don't need permission but you're acting as if you do.

Original poster
Bluebal · 08/10/2022 16:35

mytrueaccount · 08/10/2022 16:27

I don't quite understand why, when he could only register one number plate, you both assumed therefore he should register the newer instead of the older car. If you have a longer commute it is necessary for you to have the more reliable car.

Because he needed to commute 3 days a week, albeit a much shorter distance whereas mine was once a week.

OP posts:
Discovereads · 08/10/2022 16:35

girlmom21 · 08/10/2022 16:09

My last job had a car park where the barriers had ANPR and could only register one car

Show quote history

Mine did too. Only allowed one car plate per employee.

girlmom21 · 08/10/2022 16:45

@PaniniHead it's still an asset to their relationship. I'm not talking about a legal asset. I'm talking about the fact they can both get to work and earn money when they need to.

OP he wants to take the nicer car to the new job to impress his new colleagues more

RandomMess · 08/10/2022 17:06

He is being ridiculous surely if it's a shared car you get it as yours for a minimum of 3 days every week without a quibble and the 4th day is down to which is more efficient to use.

A long motorway commute in a basic car is miserable compared to being in a nicer one - I love my cruise control!

Are you both still sharing "your " car costs at the very least?

Original poster
Bluebal · 08/10/2022 17:12

RandomMess · 08/10/2022 17:06

He is being ridiculous surely if it's a shared car you get it as yours for a minimum of 3 days every week without a quibble and the 4th day is down to which is more efficient to use.

A long motorway commute in a basic car is miserable compared to being in a nicer one - I love my cruise control!

Are you both still sharing "your " car costs at the very least?

Yes we are still sharing both car costs so insurance and tax for both cars comes out of the joint account and petrol costs are split 50/50, when one of us refuels either car the receipt gets put into a pot that we then split at the end of the week. All maintenence for both cars is split 50/50 too.

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 08/10/2022 17:16

It's your car too and as you have a longer commute I assume you leave the house first so just take it.

ShoeTheDoor · 08/10/2022 17:53

Upgrade your car. Talk to him about the 3 year expected payback bit if you are not able to pay it all back in that time frame. Just because you make rules at one point does not mean they are set in stone forever. Finances are more fluid sometimes, especially with changing jobs etc and commuting, wfh, petrol costs etc.

You need to talk to each other. He is being unreasonable asking you to pay for a car you cannot use however you need to upgrade your car so work out how that will work.

OhamIreally · 08/10/2022 23:12

You speak of the "nicer" car and the "older" car but it's apparent that in his mind the new car is his, and the old car is yours.
Each time you try to take the "new" car his reaction makes this perfectly obvious.
You therefore need to decide what to do with this information.