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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

8 months pregnant and in laws visiting

52 replies

Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 14:22

I'm sorry for the long post but I do not know what to think about this situation.

I am 8 months pregnant with first baby. Everything is going well but obviously I am heavy now and tired and all that comes with the end of pregnancy. My in laws (MIL and SIL) decided to come from a foreign country for two months to help. I secretly preferred to be on my own with DP for the last few weeks of pregnancy and the first few weeks woth our newborn but I understand they want to meet the first grandchild and thought some help would be good.

I was not aware (neither DP) MIL has dementia. Not too bad, but can't be left on her own and especially worries if SIL is not around as they live together.

When they arrived SIL told us she is going abroad on holidays for two weeks, that will be when I'll be 37/38 weeks and we are planning a homebirth. Now I'm worried if I go into labour we have MIL to worry about and if we need to go to the hospital only one person is allowed (obvs I will want my DP there with me).
DP mentioned to SIL to help with cooking etc so I did not have all the workload on me (or at least not extra). Somehow it ended up in a row and now SIL says they will leave a month earlier than planned. There is tension in the house as she is behaving all upset and this is in turn stressing me out.
In addition, even though she has provided with some help, SIL seems mainly wanting to go out with friends, etc (for example she left today and not coming back until tomorrow night) and have a holiday out of her time here. DP is dealing with a lot of house renovations before the baby comes and I'm still WFH but now have MIL to look after.

AIBU in thinking that this is all a bit unfair and that to come at this time, create drama and then expect us to look after MIL is just rude and bad timing? Should I just suck it up and DP to share the responsibility of looking after MIL?

OP posts:
America12 · 08/10/2022 14:24

Your SIL is a cheeky selfish cow.

Lentil63 · 08/10/2022 14:25

Tell your SIL that you can’t be responsible for your MIL at this time and can she please tell you what arrangements she has in place to care for your MIL while she’s away. Be firm.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 08/10/2022 14:25

YANBU your SIL has planned this so there’s someone else (you) to care for MIL while she’s off on a jolly. I understand it must be hard for her caring for MIL but this isn’t how to go about getting help. If she’s struggling she should have been honest and asked for help. I think your DH needs to ask them both to go home, or you might need to rejig your birth plan as I can’t imagine the midwives will be happy with this setup, people with dementia can be violent.

Peashoots · 08/10/2022 14:26

So you’re having a homebirth but you MIL who’s suffering with dementia will be there? This is a recipe for disaster. Even if all goes smoothly and you birth your baby at home. They need to go! So unfair for you.

PaperPalace · 08/10/2022 14:26

Wow, there's a lot going on here. Why on earth hadn't SIL mentioned to DP that MIL has dementia?!

I would normally say that you are in the right here (in laws coming to stay for 2 months when you are heavily pregnant- argh), but in this case I do feel sorry for SIL. If she's MIL's full time carer then I can totally see why she needs a break (although I agree the timing is unfortunate).

oneuptwodown · 08/10/2022 14:28

This is all on your DP.

his DM has dementia, his sister has to look after her all the time, of course the sister wants a break. But having you give her that break when you’re 8 months pg is not okay.

Your DP got you into this, he needs to get you out of it. And he needs to help his sister sort out care for his DM. Not cool shirking all responsibility because he lives abroad.

bravelittletiger · 08/10/2022 14:28

It's a really hard time when you're heavily pregnant. You're emotional, you're over sensitive and you often just want to batten down the hatches and create a nest for you and your unborn baby. I didn't want to host anyone or go on trips when I had my first baby and I remember feeling very introspective. I can totally understand why you're feeling like this and I think it's natural and normal. But i think looking at it another way your SIL and MIL probably aren't meaning to add to your stress- SIL probably thinks MIL is fine to be left with her brother and you and is welcoming the break from being the primary carer for your MIL.

Sounds like your DH probably needed to nip the plans in the bud right from the start tbh.

All this stress isn't what you need at a late stage in your pregnancy (or at any time) but I'm sure the tension will blow over. Not sure what you do about going into labour though- I think you probably need to insist SIL either takes her mum on holiday or stays to make sure you aren't left babysitting your MIL when you go into labour.

Pumpkindoodles · 08/10/2022 14:28

SIL is clearly just desperate for a break
if she can’t go anywhere or do anything normally she is probably keen to make the most of other people being around so she isn’t a 24/7 live in carer

however obviously terrible timing and crazy to think you’d want to help her at this point.

could you speak to her about getting some more help for her once they return home?

endofthelinefinally · 08/10/2022 14:29

SIL is probably desperate for a break, but she has gone about it in a very bad way.
It sounds as if the family need to discuss the best way to put a workable plan in place before MIL deteriorates further. It sounds as if a care plan needs to be sorted asap.

Nursemumma92 · 08/10/2022 14:29

YANBU this is absolutely crazy! How is this any help to you at all if MIL has dementia and you are going to be left to look after her? Highly inappropriate and absolutely the last thing you need at the moment.
Whilst I feel for your SIL being her full time carer, she cannot expect someone who could go into labour any time to be caring for someone with dementia. She needs to reevaluate her plans to go away and maybe find somewhere else nearby to stay whilst they are here. This is no help to you at all!

Cats23 · 08/10/2022 14:30

Your Dp should step up to give SIL a breK.
However, In laws shouldve come mid regnancy pr maybe a month after birth.
I'd ask them to leave before your birth

FluffMagnet · 08/10/2022 14:30

Where are your in laws going to be (or were planning to be) whilst you have said home birth? Locked in their rooms? Out the house? Hovering over your shoulder? I was uncomfortable enough having my parents briefly in the house whilst I was having contractions, and they were only there to look after DD whilst DH took me to hospital. Your SIL dumping an ill relative on you literally as you are about to give birth, likely depriving you of a birth partner and your DH of being at the birth, is insane. Send them home immediately.

strawberryandcreams · 08/10/2022 14:31

oneuptwodown · 08/10/2022 14:28

This is all on your DP.

his DM has dementia, his sister has to look after her all the time, of course the sister wants a break. But having you give her that break when you’re 8 months pg is not okay.

Your DP got you into this, he needs to get you out of it. And he needs to help his sister sort out care for his DM. Not cool shirking all responsibility because he lives abroad.

This.

Unicorn717 · 08/10/2022 14:38

They need to go, it isn't fair on you.

Fraaahnces · 08/10/2022 14:41

Holy shitballs! Sounds like SIL is going to dump MIL on you and leave her there for you to sort out. Send them both home. (DH will inevitably end up having to sort MIL out later.)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/10/2022 14:45

I secretly preferred to be on my own with DP

Why was this a "secret"? In other words why wasn't it discussed between you and DP, what input did he have into arranging for them to come and what's his view of the situation now?

Overall he's the one who needs to resolve this, and also plan for SIL to get a much needed break (but in a more appropriate way)

Original poster
Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 14:47

Thanks all for your replies.

I am planning a home birth and thought it would be ok if they could stay away for as long as my labour/birth goes on - I am a midwife myself so I understand the needs of a woman in labour etc. They are staying in an outbuilding at the end of the garden which is cosy, with a bathroom and all utilities you could ask for - however they only use it for sleeping at the moment as they like to hang out in the house (or when SIL not around MIL is scared on her own). We didn't know about SIL plans to go abroad until now - I am just hoping baby stays put until after she comes back otherwise I need to think how to arrange care for MIL.

I agree with some posters here re SIL taking all the responsibility in looking after MIL. It must be difficult and understand she needs a break. However she does not seem aware that MIL has dementia, she brushes MIL's behaviour off - I can tell it's not just old age as my own mother has had dementia for years. Because of this, DP was not aware of MIL's state until now. He in the past however offered to SIL to pay for a carer in their country as he thought she is old and less mobile and SIL would appreciate the help but SIL declined.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 14:48

@Puzzledandpissedoff SIL just booked visa and flights to come without prior discussion so I wasn't going to oppose at that point.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/10/2022 14:55

SIL just booked visa and flights to come without prior discussion

In which case, if your DP really didn't know then that's totally unacceptable

I see his offer to pay for a carer back home's been refused, which seems very foolish of SIL/MIL, but again what's his view of the current situation and what's he planning to do about it?

ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 08/10/2022 14:55

America12 · 08/10/2022 14:24

Your SIL is a cheeky selfish cow.

Whilst I agree she's wrong to go abroad whilst OP is 37/38 weeks and they shouldn't be coming at all when MIL has dementia - absolutely. However I think "cheeky selfish cow" is a bit harsh. It sounds like SIL has been the sole carer for her mother with dementia for unknown length of time.

Orders76 · 08/10/2022 14:56

Are you definitely sure the SIL is going on just a holiday? Will she come back?

Peashoots · 08/10/2022 14:58

Op if you’re a midwife, surely you understand the implications of having a dementia sufferer there while you labour. Is it your colleagues who will be on call for you? Are they aware of the situation? It would need to be part of the risk assessment for your homebirth for starters.

Herejustforthisone · 08/10/2022 14:58

I’d be out and gone. What a fucking liberty.

Original poster
Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 15:08

@Puzzledandpissedoff he thinks is foolish SIL came at this time for such an extended period if she wasn't really in a position to help. He is trying for me not to stress about it by looking after MIL when SIL is not around and generally tries to accept the situation and says it will all be fine. There has not been discussion about MIL's care in the future yet but I do know he will be more than happy to pay for a full time carer for them if needed/wanted. I also however want him to finish the house work before baby comes and for that I need to also look after MIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 15:11

@Peashoots I never planned for anyone else other than DP to be at my home birth. Either SIL is back by then, or we arrange alternative care. I'm the last one who wants anyone around but this is all news for us as SIL just told us about her plans so still haven't decided how to go about it. I would have not agreed to them coming if I had known about this.

OP posts:
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