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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

8 months pregnant and in laws visiting

52 replies

Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 14:22

I'm sorry for the long post but I do not know what to think about this situation.

I am 8 months pregnant with first baby. Everything is going well but obviously I am heavy now and tired and all that comes with the end of pregnancy. My in laws (MIL and SIL) decided to come from a foreign country for two months to help. I secretly preferred to be on my own with DP for the last few weeks of pregnancy and the first few weeks woth our newborn but I understand they want to meet the first grandchild and thought some help would be good.

I was not aware (neither DP) MIL has dementia. Not too bad, but can't be left on her own and especially worries if SIL is not around as they live together.

When they arrived SIL told us she is going abroad on holidays for two weeks, that will be when I'll be 37/38 weeks and we are planning a homebirth. Now I'm worried if I go into labour we have MIL to worry about and if we need to go to the hospital only one person is allowed (obvs I will want my DP there with me).
DP mentioned to SIL to help with cooking etc so I did not have all the workload on me (or at least not extra). Somehow it ended up in a row and now SIL says they will leave a month earlier than planned. There is tension in the house as she is behaving all upset and this is in turn stressing me out.
In addition, even though she has provided with some help, SIL seems mainly wanting to go out with friends, etc (for example she left today and not coming back until tomorrow night) and have a holiday out of her time here. DP is dealing with a lot of house renovations before the baby comes and I'm still WFH but now have MIL to look after.

AIBU in thinking that this is all a bit unfair and that to come at this time, create drama and then expect us to look after MIL is just rude and bad timing? Should I just suck it up and DP to share the responsibility of looking after MIL?

OP posts:

Needsomeadvice33 · 08/10/2022 15:12

You've got a cosy outbuilding with a bathroom and utilities. Do you live in UK where the state cares for elderly and we have the NHS.
The sister brushes off her behaviour, nah, she knows she has dementia.
This is all far too convenient. It sounds like a granny dump. She won't be back to get her.

Original poster

Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 15:13

@Orders76 haha! Better be prepared for anything I guess.

OP posts:

Orders76 · 08/10/2022 15:14

Oh dear, but if it means anything I think you're managing to stay amazingly calm (with little options)

Gazelda · 08/10/2022 15:17

If your DP has sufficient funds to be able to commit to financially helping his SIL/MIL when they return to their home county, could he spend that £ in the meantime on hiring someone to finish off the jobs around that house that you'd like completed before the birth?

That gives him extra time to spend with his DM, more time to be with you and less pressure on you both in terms of caring/preparing for becoming new parents.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 08/10/2022 15:18

Your SIL has been very unfair. I can understand her wanting a break but she shouldn’t have used your pregnancy and birth to get that.
Can you arrange any help for the next few weeks to take the pressure off you? Your MIL obviously isn’t in a place to help you at all pre or post birth.
I think planning as much as possible for the next few weeks is the only thing you can do.
Good luck with the birth.

quitelikelyto · 08/10/2022 15:30

PaperPalace · 08/10/2022 14:26

Wow, there's a lot going on here. Why on earth hadn't SIL mentioned to DP that MIL has dementia?!

I would normally say that you are in the right here (in laws coming to stay for 2 months when you are heavily pregnant- argh), but in this case I do feel sorry for SIL. If she's MIL's full time carer then I can totally see why she needs a break (although I agree the timing is unfortunate).

The timing is not unfortunate. It's ridiculous. SIL is a self centred horror to dump this situation on the OP.

thewallneedspainting · 08/10/2022 15:33

How do you know SIL will actually come back from her holiday? She might not. 'Granny dumping' is an actual thing.

This is your DH's problem to solve (along with your SIL). She's their mum and she's not your responsibility. I hope you manage to get things sorted! 😬

diddl · 08/10/2022 15:40

What a shit show!

In all honesty, when they said that they wanted to come for two months to help-why were you at all swayed by this?

Well your husband needs to step up & sort something out for his mum by the sounds of things.

Appalling the way SIL has handled it all.

I wonder if she felt it was the only way?

BadNomad · 08/10/2022 15:55

It does sound like your SIL is desperate for some time away from her mother. Which is understandable if you've ever had to live with someone with dementia 24/7. I wonder if she's thinking this is her last chance because once the baby is here your DH won't be able to help her.

MatildaTheCat · 08/10/2022 16:12

Yes, I don’t want to scare you, OP but I’d be very wary of SIL disappearing and leaving you with MIL.

Talk with DH and try to figure out a plan to preempt this.

Cw112 · 08/10/2022 16:25

Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 14:48

@Puzzledandpissedoff SIL just booked visa and flights to come without prior discussion so I wasn't going to oppose at that point.

Sounds a lot like SIL has maybe planned this so she can have her holiday while MIL is with you and DH without really caring about everything else you have on your plate at present. It's really unreasonable for her to put you in that position without first discussing it with you and DH. I think DH needs to sit down with SIL (because it's their mum) and agree a plan for while SIL is away that doesn't completely compromise your birth experience or stress you out. Do you have a friend who would be willing to come and stay with MIL should you need to go to hospital? It's hard to make suggestions without understanding what stage her dementia is at. Would she find the process of you giving birth confusing and scary or would she understand and be able to help in some small way with guidance from DH and midwives and be involved if you're comfortable with that? I'm 8 mths along also and I can't imagine having that landed on me along with the redecorating and keeping up with everything else involved in the run up. I think this is the one time where you get to be selfish and think about how you want your little one to enter the world so dh needs to back you here.

Original poster

Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 16:33

Thanks everyone for your input. It has given me some food for thought. I was unsure as to whether think this was all happening because SIL needed a break but I can see how obvious this is from an outsiders view. I still feel resentful I have to put up with it at this time of my life but not much I can do now other than to plan for any eventuality around labour/birth and also for DP's to sort out MIL future care.

@MatildaTheCat Thanks for warning me as it would have never crossed my mind and how sad this is a thing. However SIL is very close to MIL and she is in fact a good hearted woman despite some of her dubious behaviour, I believe she would be incapable of doing such thing.

OP posts:

diddl · 08/10/2022 16:58

I don't doubt that SIL needs a break-but why now?

They could have come at other times couldn't they?

When did your husband last see his mum?

How did he not know that she couldn't be left or worries when his sister isn't there?

BadNomad · 08/10/2022 17:03

I don't doubt that SIL needs a break-but why now

I'm thinking it's because once the baby arrives, her brother won't have the same freedom or availability to help her with their mother. Having her around will be too difficult with a small child. This is maybe her last chance to leave her mum with so she can have a nice holiday herself.

Original poster

Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 17:09

@diddl She said they were coming to help me in the last few weeks of pregnancy and with the baby - to meet the baby too I suppose. It's apparent now what she thought she would do and what she is doing are two different things. Due to them living in another part of the world and due to the language barrier I did not realise MIL was suffering with dementia and thought they both wanted to come and help, maybe naive from my side. Seems like DP did not know either as SIL had not said anything other than she was losing some memory. In my opinion she is unaware, or in denial. She thinks it's only old age and nothing to worry about but there is more going on than the memory issue.
We offered to go back in February to visit them but SIL threw in another drama and we decided we would not go after all as it made it uncomfortable for us all. She said they would come to visit here, then I fell pregnant, don't think we realised they would come now. DP usually visits twice a year for a good few weeks but this year has been busy.

OP posts:

magma32 · 08/10/2022 17:14

Your dp needs to sort this out. I have a feeling he knows mil will be staying with you for true forceable and your sil won’t actually be back to pick her up anytime soon…

Original poster

Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 17:21

@magma32 no I know for sure he won't let that happen as we wouldn't be able
to anyway being first time parents! He even mentioned he can take MIL back to their country when SIL goes abroad, there are other family members to take care of her if needed or if not a carer could be sorted out. But being so near my due date I would rather not have him go and also don't want to make MIL feel unwelcome as she is a sweet lady. I'm also trying not to create any more drama or confrontation but if such scenario was to happen, I would definitely not tolerate it and he knows too - my patience and compassion has limits.

OP posts:

CovertImage · 08/10/2022 17:32

Hang on a minute, how is it possible that DP doesn't know that his mother has dementia unless he never contacts her or visits her. So SIL really does have full caring resonsibilities for MIL

Original poster

Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 17:38

@CovertImage they talk almost daily over the phone. Yes he did know and notice she had memory issues and that's all SIL said it was about when he discussed with her. I'm not sure how easy it would be to realise that she is not independent anymore or that she gets unsettled if SIL is not around etc over the phone. As when visiting, it had been a while but as I said because SIL stops us to, also when he has been there the three of them were together all the time so certain behaviours would have not been so apparent maybe. She has not been diagnosed, it seems to me it's quite early stages. I do not have any suspicions of DP hiding anything from me and also do not believe he is trying to avoid taking responsibility. He came here donkey years ago when MIL was absolutely fine.

OP posts:

diddl · 08/10/2022 17:47

But if your OH wants to see his mum he surely goes to suit him not when his sister says.

Likewise with this visit-they could have been put off until you wanted it if the dates they wanted really were inconvenient.

Original poster

Arwen7 · 08/10/2022 17:57

@diddl not gonna go into details but we planned to go and SIL stopped us to. Yes he could have gone at another time but SIL was adamant they wanted to come instead. By the following month I was pregnant, time went by and next thing we know is she has booked visa and flights without discussing with us first. How could we tell them to cancel visa and flights, but also we couldn't foresee the situation tbh.

OP posts:

Worthyornot · 08/10/2022 18:12

They both need to leave. There isn't a way around it. The baby will be here and up until then you will spend this last month filled with resentment, frustration and issues between you and dh. When the baby comes, the last thing you want is for a very tense and upsetting atmosphere which will leave you absolutely resentful and bitter for taking this precious time away from you. They need to leave. They are of no help and only leave you with issues.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 08/10/2022 21:19

Agree.

According to the OP "now SIL says they will leave a month earlier than planned..." - that's great news - surely your DP can respond and say "Yes, that would be best. We're going to have to focus on the birth and baby, and can't really host you both at that time". And make an arrangement to visit them once the baby's been born and you've recovered enough for him to leave you alone for a week or two.

Original poster

Arwen7 · 09/10/2022 12:45

@Worthyornot @Longtimelurkerfinallyposts yes maybe the best is for them to go and we are thinking the same now too. As much as I feel bad this has turned out to be so sour and they won't be meeting baby if they go, with how things have gone I am dreading the thought of it getting worse closer to the birth or when baby is here and I feel I can't trust SIL to be responsible/sensible enough to take the right choices when we most need her to.
She left yesterday morning out of the blue announcing she wasn't coming back until this evening - my DP trying to supervise the house work outside and me busy WFH and on calls. Not a single text or call yet to ask if MIL is fine.

OP posts:

creamwitheverything · 09/10/2022 12:54

I am really sorry OPbut you need your head read agreeing to any of this madness, You are a far better woman than I could ever hope to be,

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