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Original poster

Why are some people always the butt end of jokes in a group ?

30 replies

siennalover · 08/10/2022 07:02

Are any of you always the one that gets laughed at / made fun of the most in a group ?

I don't mean in a particularly malicious way, more like friendly teasing, but mostly aimed at you..

Why do you think that happens ? Sometimes they say the most popular member of the group gets the most stick. But is that so?

I had one particular group of friends and I always ended up this way. I didn't mind. But eventually it did start to get to me.

Anyway, I notice my DH is also in a similar position in his friendship group. He doesn't mind at all though.

I think we almost bring it on ourselves too. By being extra silly sometimes, telling stories of funny situations we've been in. Making fun of ourselves basically.

I was talking to my sis in law and she said she also has this kind of position in her friendship group. It made me think, why do some people have that position ?

Of course everyone makes fun of everyone sometimes, but I can definitely tell that they do it to me and my DH the most. I usually really don't mind and play along. But occasionally it has gone a little far and I've asked myself why it's like this for me. Is it because I am somehow different ?

OP posts:
Mummummummumyyyyy · 08/10/2022 07:04

This was me in a friendship group in my early twenties. I distanced myself from them as I was sick of it after a while and it’s not happened since. I’m up for a laugh but not when I’m always the joke!

Neverfullycharged · 08/10/2022 07:08

I know exactly what you mean. I’m absolutely lost as to how it happens, as I don’t think I’m particularly amusing Hmm but I do tend to be quite smiley and cheery.

I hate saying this but I also notice it happens to me when I’ve gained weight.

Original poster
siennalover · 08/10/2022 07:10

Well, I've always found that it happens to me more when I'm the only ' foreigner ' in an all British group. I say ' foreigner ' because I have lived here so long ( over 20 years ).

When there's a more international crowd, I don't find it happens as much. Or it's more mutual teasing. But everyone gets it equally.

OP posts:
lannistunut · 08/10/2022 07:10

Some people put up with bad treatment, I would tell people to stop if they teased me an excessive amount. Group dynamics are weird and can be quite unhealthy.

lannistunut · 08/10/2022 07:11

siennalover · 08/10/2022 07:10

Well, I've always found that it happens to me more when I'm the only ' foreigner ' in an all British group. I say ' foreigner ' because I have lived here so long ( over 20 years ).

When there's a more international crowd, I don't find it happens as much. Or it's more mutual teasing. But everyone gets it equally.

Well, that sounds unpleasant now - what do they tease you about?

Original poster
siennalover · 08/10/2022 07:13

I@lannistunut I don't think it really is. I was hurt at times, but I don't think it's malicious.

They teased me about all sorts of stuff really. Sometimes accent related, which I absolutely loathe TBH.

OP posts:
lannistunut · 08/10/2022 07:17

Repeatedly teasing you about your accent is potentially xenophobic bullying.

If they are upsetting you, ask them to stop. If they don't stop, they are bullies. If they apologise and stop, they are probably ok.

RIPQueen · 08/10/2022 07:19

I always thought that teasing was a British form of endearment. A bit like flirting but platonic flirting?

OneDrop · 08/10/2022 07:21

My reaction to your thread title was ‘because the rest of the group are bullies’.

You, your DH and your SIL might consider the possibility that these people are not your friends.

StapFooterin · 08/10/2022 07:32

OneDrop · 08/10/2022 07:21

My reaction to your thread title was ‘because the rest of the group are bullies’.

You, your DH and your SIL might consider the possibility that these people are not your friends.

This would be my thinking too. If one person is the target for constant teasing, then I see this as low level bullying. It's not a pleasant trait in people and I have noticed DP gets treated like this quite often. His own humour can be quite self deprecating and people latch onto this and tease him. It's dressed up as banter, but it's only banter if it goes both ways.

lannistunut · 08/10/2022 07:35

RIPQueen · 08/10/2022 07:19

I always thought that teasing was a British form of endearment. A bit like flirting but platonic flirting?

Not when one way. Teasing in one direction is bullying.

'I make you feel shit because I like you' is platonic emotional abuse'.

daisychain01 · 08/10/2022 07:41

OP what you are describing can be classed as a form of bullying when it targets a person habitually, makes them feel unwelcomed, alone or uncomfortable in the group.

some people legitimise it by minimising what's going on:

joking
teasing
pulling your leg
having a bit of fun

which is fine if the person being the butt of everyone's joke doesn't mind, but it can descend into

humiliation
marginalisation
shaming

I would call it out and name it as bullying to stop people moving on to a different victim.

oldestmumaintheworld · 08/10/2022 07:47

People don't tease me, or engage in banter because I don't let them. I hate teasing. It's cruel. And banter is just an excuse for being a dick. I don't do it and don't expect those around me to either. Walk away from these people. They aren't friends. And remember people treat you in the way you allow them to.

GyozaGuiting · 08/10/2022 07:50

Are you sure it’s all at you and you’re not being sensitive and just noticing it more? I’m in a group where we’re close enough to banter each other and we all do it.
If anyone does get a bit more ribbing it tends to be someone else the next time!

I would say it’s only really acceptable when you’re all close/comfortable enough to do it, I wouldn’t do it to strangers. Only those who I know would actually find it funny. Maybe they do it slightly more as they think you can take it, whereas someone else in the group that’s quieter they don’t think will like it? As you’ve said you could be the more popular one.

Original poster
siennalover · 08/10/2022 08:07

GyozaGuiting · 08/10/2022 07:50

Are you sure it’s all at you and you’re not being sensitive and just noticing it more? I’m in a group where we’re close enough to banter each other and we all do it.
If anyone does get a bit more ribbing it tends to be someone else the next time!

I would say it’s only really acceptable when you’re all close/comfortable enough to do it, I wouldn’t do it to strangers. Only those who I know would actually find it funny. Maybe they do it slightly more as they think you can take it, whereas someone else in the group that’s quieter they don’t think will like it? As you’ve said you could be the more popular one.

It was definitely more focused on me.

I think I did make it clear it had gone too far and that's when I heard the line of the most loved member always getting the most stick.

OP posts:
procrastinatingtree · 08/10/2022 08:10

I think it's affectionate. I know people are comfortable with me if they feel they can take the loss ijtnof me

Original poster
siennalover · 08/10/2022 08:14

procrastinatingtree · 08/10/2022 08:10

I think it's affectionate. I know people are comfortable with me if they feel they can take the loss ijtnof me

I agree

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 08/10/2022 08:26

My husband has a very self-deprecating sense of humour and it’s 100% a defense mechanism. Equally he is extremely popular. I do find it a bit sad though that he Is made fun of so much. People do absolutely adore him though. We do equally tease each other a lot, but what I do notice is that where I will tell him if he is going too far, he would be unlikely to tell me and I would have to instead check myself, although he’s better at it than he used to be as I’m his safe person and we are also very kind to each other.

LandOfBoringTasks · 08/10/2022 08:29

siennalover · 08/10/2022 07:13

I@lannistunut I don't think it really is. I was hurt at times, but I don't think it's malicious.

They teased me about all sorts of stuff really. Sometimes accent related, which I absolutely loathe TBH.

Ahh! That kind of English person.

One that doesn't speak any foreign languages and is dumb and ignorant enough enough to draw to attention to the fact that they dumb and uncultured by making a stupid reference to people's foreign accent.

It's the ultimate Little Englander xenophobes attitude and you really ought to choose your friends better. Some people are as thick as pig shit.

dingalingadingding · 08/10/2022 08:31

I'm also a 'foreigner' who has lived here in Australia 20 years and I'm a citizen, who used to get treated like that until I started telling them to fuck off.

Original poster
siennalover · 08/10/2022 08:36

@LandOfBoringTasks I know exactly why you would assume this ! However in this case, it's absolutely not so.

The people I'm talking about are highly educated, middle class, left wing. They've all been on extensive gap years and lived abroad during student times. They're all much more well travelled than I am, as I didn't have a gap yah. A lot of them are bilingual through studying and living abroad.

They're quite British in their customs of course. They love puns and playing scrabble, quiz nights etc.

They love to geek off about how large their common knowledge of random things is.

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 08/10/2022 08:57

In my experience of school/university the weak are always targeted, most often by the next weakest member or the leader to secure their positions, those in the middle then follow.
It's bullying and doesn't seem to stop in post education groups.
I avoid groups on that basis.

Snowberry3 · 08/10/2022 09:03

the above is it - it's bullying - and as you are prob the outsider in some way the others won't back you if you fight back

Original poster
siennalover · 08/10/2022 09:12

Snowberry3 · 08/10/2022 09:03

the above is it - it's bullying - and as you are prob the outsider in some way the others won't back you if you fight back

It's funny you say that thing about being the outsider in some way. If I think about it, my DH, sis in law and I, all have different backgrounds to the other people in the groups. As in, our parents were not born in the UK.

I don't think it's a conscious thing at all though. I always felt different to them though and like I don't really fit in. I don't see them much anymore. Just at weddings nowadays.

OP posts:
watcherintherye · 08/10/2022 09:16

If it gets too much, just say “I’m starting to feel ‘got at’ here!” Their reaction will speak volumes. You shouldn’t have to put up with being made to feel uncomfortable.

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