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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to have told her I was bringing a friend

46 replies

plantpottree · 07/10/2022 23:20

My mum and I are part of the same community club/hobby group. We are both adults. There was a social event happening tonight, which we both went to. When there my mum met up and sat with her friends. I had invited a friend who is not usually part of the club but who I know from elsewhere. Friend and I arrived together, and sat together, in a different part of the room to my mum.

On the way home after the event my mum told me that it would have been nice if I had told her beforehand I was bringing a friend. She said that her friends were asking her, "oh did Hannah (*not my name) bring a friend?" and "who's Hannah's friend?". My mum told me that she just told her friends she didn't know who the other person was because "why should she cover for me?"

I responded that if they had wanted to know who my friend was, they could have asked me. I don't really understand why she thinks "covering" for me could have been necessary - I don't see what there was to cover.

My mum was quite angry that I hadn't told her I had invited a new friend along. She seemed to think it reflected badly on her that she didn't know when her friends asked, and seemed to interpret it as a slight against her. For context I find my mum quite hard to deal with at times and I deliberately didn't mention that I was bringing a friend along because I am an adult and I am entitled (and need!) to create a little space between myself and my mum. I understand that, had my mum and I had a better relationship, mentioning that a friend was coming with me tonight might have been something I'd willingly want to share with her. But I don't think it was inherently wrong not to tell her. AIBU?

OP posts:

Cw112 · 07/10/2022 23:22

Sounds like your mum has felt put on the spot by people asking info and she's been embarrassed that she didn't know enough about your life to know who you'd brought with you and instead of dealing with it maturely and coming over to say hello she's got defensive. This all sounds very much like a her problem rather than a you problem.

Mushroo · 07/10/2022 23:23

If you were planning to see your mum it’s weird to not mention it.

I’d have just dropped a text saying ‘btw,
im bringing friend tonight, see you later!’

(the same i would do if it was a friend and not my mum in this situation).

Your mum acted weirdly on the night though - would you normally socialise together? Maybe she felt a bit adrift

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2022 23:24

I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's not like it was a private dinner party that she had invited you to and you just rocked up with someone else in tow. That would be rude.

Your mum sounds like hard work tbh.

B1pbop · 07/10/2022 23:26

Maybe your mum senses you were putting a boundary in and is annoyed about that.

B1pbop · 07/10/2022 23:27

(on your side btw - people who are annoyed at boundaries being set and enforced are those who we need to set boundaries with the most!)

NumberTheory · 08/10/2022 07:24

Unless it’s an event where your mum would be relying on you (which it doesn’t sound like it is), or you were traveling together (which you weren’t), it probably wouldn’t have occurred to me to tell her.

It sounds like she’s most bothered because she wanted to be able to provided the down low to her friends and you leaving her in the dark meant she didn’t have that little bit of “power”. If she was otherwise a lovely mum I would say that it’s a little thing to let her have and maybe it would be nice to keep her up to date on things like this. But it sounds like she isn’t and instead feels an entitlement to details on your life, so you are probably right in wanting to create some space.

PanPacificBallroomChampion · 08/10/2022 07:30

It’s weird that neither you nor your mother walked over and spoke to each other. At which point you could have introduced your friend.

PuppyMonkey · 08/10/2022 07:33

I’m guessing WI. Or maybe Darts.

*love a guess the mysterious hobby thread.

MissBattleaxe · 08/10/2022 07:42

It's a bit odd that your Mum was at one table and you and your friend at another and neither of you seemed to speak or be sociable. It might look as if you were snubbing your Mum. Maybe that's why she bristled

putitinthefuckitbucket · 08/10/2022 07:43

Was your mum expecting you to go and sit with her, is that what you normally do? I'm wondering if she was put out because instead of sitting with her and her friends you 'went off' and sat with your friend? Maybe she'd told her friends that you'd be joining them then felt embarrassed/rejected when not only did you not sit with them but you bought someone else along who she didn't know and sat apart?

I absolutely hate it if I've arranged to socialise with someone and they bring someone else along that I'm not expecting, but that would be in a situation where it was me and that other person or a set group of familiar people socialising and suddenly there's a new person to deal with. I am autistic though so that's normal for me, most people aren't like that (I don't think, anyway).

In a group scenario like this where there are lots of people on various tables anyway even I wouldn't have an issue with someone random coming along, because what does it matter? It didn't affect her if you weren't even sitting with her except for maybe she felt embarrassed that she didn't have all the inside info on your life/friends etc. Which is a bit entitled really, she's the mum of an independent adult woman, not a seven year old she doesn't need to know exactly what you're doing, with whom and when!

PaperPalace · 08/10/2022 07:48

Actually I can see your mum's point of view. It would be a bit embarrassing when people said "who's Hannah's friend?" and she had no idea - it implies the two of you don't talk much / have a close relationship, which presumably isn't something she wants her friends to think. It sounds like it's not a problem for you because you don't care if people think that?

Of course you didn't have to tell her. But I can see why she felt awkward.

EstellaRijnveld · 08/10/2022 07:53

Didn’t you go over to say hello, introduce your mate, grab drinks & then sit at your own table. No drama then.That is odd, are your social communication really this dire?

GreyTCat · 08/10/2022 07:55

Didn’t you go over to say hello, introduce your mate, grab drinks & then sit at your own table. No drama then.
^ This.

WillPowerLite · 08/10/2022 08:01

Some adult dc and parents have a v close relationship and tell each other every detail. She wants her friends to think she has that sort of relationship with you.

You want space and privacy. Which is equally fine.

Your dm has a problem. You should let her deal with that on her own.

GoldenGorilla · 08/10/2022 08:01

I’d have told my mum but then we have a good relationship and I don’t feel the need to create distance. So honestly I’d guess she’s picking up on you carving out that privacy/space and she feels offended.

londonrach · 08/10/2022 08:05

It seems abit strange that you did t tell your mum before and you didn't sit with her. Take it you do t have a close relationship. Just seems vvv strange thing to do. I can see why your mum thought so too.

londonrach · 08/10/2022 08:06

What greycat says above is perfect so no idea why you. Didn't do that. Just seems all very strange as if you strangers.

pictish · 08/10/2022 08:08

GoldenGorilla · 08/10/2022 08:01

Think I agree with this. She senses your distancing and is trying to assert some sway over you.
Her mindset is evidenced by the complaint that she felt she had to ‘cover’ the fact that she didn’t know who your pal was. As if that matters…but it clearly put her nose out of joint.

Womencanlift · 08/10/2022 08:08

So am I right in thinking that you and your friend arrived together and you sat down and didn’t acknowledge your mum or her friends?

For me that would be weird but it sounds like you have a very different relationship with your mum than I do with mine so while I can’t say YABU I do think it’s odd. I could see how your mum thought it was a snub and was embarrassed in front of her friends if you didn’t acknowledge her and introduce your friend

What happened after the event? Did you go up and speak to your mum then?

You say that she could have asked you who your friend was but that would mean her coming over to you and since it sounds like you ignored her when you arrived I can see how she would feel like she couldn’t come up to you without it being awkward

As I said you have boundaries based on your previous interactions with your mum so in that case you have to decide whether you were being unreasonable or not but must admit I am on your mums side here

SuperCamp · 08/10/2022 08:09

Just say ‘you didn’t need to cover for me because I hadn’t done anything wrong’

Whiskers4 · 08/10/2022 08:10

Would you normally be with your Mum on occasions like that, or do you sit with others in the room? If the latter, then I'd have mentioned it to DM and asked if friend could join in with your Mum's group.

SleeplessInEngland · 08/10/2022 08:12

Your mum is weird.

IamnotSethRogan · 08/10/2022 08:13

*I’m guessing WI. Or maybe Darts.

love a guess the mysterious hobby thread

I'm going with Karate or an accountancy course

saraclara · 08/10/2022 08:19

I deliberately didn't mention that I was bringing a friend along

That's the odd bit to me. If you'd forgotten or not thought to mention your friend, that's all well and normal. But it seems like you deliberately put your mum at a disadvantage. You didn't tell her that you were bringing someone, in order to make a point.

Given that that's what you did and it was your aim, then surely you got the response you wanted? And your mum was correct in getting the vibe you wanted to send.

Anniefrenchfry · 08/10/2022 08:20

Was it a male friend?

sounds dysfunctional both sides, if I was meeting someone at an event I’d say if I was bringing a friend. So I’m guessing you didn’t on purpose.

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