Not to have told her I was bringing a friend

[plantpottree]

My mum and I are part of the same community club/hobby group. We are both adults. There was a social event happening tonight, which we both went to. When there my mum met up and sat with her friends. I had invited a friend who is not usually part of the club but who I know from elsewhere. Friend and I arrived together, and sat together, in a different part of the room to my mum.

On the way home after the event my mum told me that it would have been nice if I had told her beforehand I was bringing a friend. She said that her friends were asking her, "oh did Hannah (*not my name) bring a friend?" and "who's Hannah's friend?". My mum told me that she just told her friends she didn't know who the other person was because "why should she cover for me?"

I responded that if they had wanted to know who my friend was, they could have asked me. I don't really understand why she thinks "covering" for me could have been necessary - I don't see what there was to cover.

My mum was quite angry that I hadn't told her I had invited a new friend along. She seemed to think it reflected badly on her that she didn't know when her friends asked, and seemed to interpret it as a slight against her. For context I find my mum quite hard to deal with at times and I deliberately didn't mention that I was bringing a friend along because I am an adult and I am entitled (and need!) to create a little space between myself and my mum. I understand that, had my mum and I had a better relationship, mentioning that a friend was coming with me tonight might have been something I'd willingly want to share with her. But I don't think it was inherently wrong not to tell her. AIBU?

So your mum got there before you and sat with her friends, you arrived with your friend and sat with your friend not saying hello to your mum, yet you and your mum went home together?
No, you didn't have to tell her you were going with a friend, but it's a weird set up all round tbf.
It's perfectly normal for your mum's friends to have said "oh, I see Maureen had brought someone with her, who is it?"
It's not interfering, or prying, or not respecting boundaries. It's seeing someone you know, with someone you don't, and asking who they are. Normal functional conversation.

Your mum shouldn't have been angry, but she has a point.

Well, it would have been polite to tell your mum !

It all sounds a bit dramatic to me. Was it Amateur Dramatics?

So you attended an event at the same venue, as you would normally. But last night you brought a friend but then failed to say hello and introduce said friend. Presumably from your op you then left together?

It seems like you deliberately withheld information to create a boundary, you then snubbed your mum and her friends all evening but left with your mum who was upset. I too would be upset with you!

But if you'd walked up to the group and introduced someone who your mum clearly didn't know beforehand, I'm guessing that would have been wrong too?

This is all very odd? My mum and I would have chatted at some point and I’d have said “mum, this is Susan” and she’d have said hello, and it would have been normal. I may or may not have said I was bringing a friend. Had her friends asked, she’d have said, ‘oh, looks like W0t has brought someone new’.

Id have said hello, or waved, probably sat near her if possible, or if not, chatted after. I think that’s what would happen in a regular relationship?

If she issued the invitation then she should have been told you intended to bring a friend, if not, no-but it would have been polite to go across and speak to her at some point and maybe introduce your friend to her.

This is weird behaviour, and quite rude - from you. Why wouldn't you arrive with friend, go over say hello and then go to your own table? I'd be annoyed too, because it seems you're just being difficult for the sake of it like an arsey teenager.

This is all so weird and, dare I say, over dramatic. You’re being weird with going to sit in another room without so much as a hello to your mum and she’s being bloody bizarre with her ‘covering for you’ comment. You made this much more awkward than it needed to be I think but you didn’t have an obligation to introduce your friend to your mum. I do think the comments upthread about your mum feeling silly for not knowing who your pal was are weird too, as an adult, surely it’s entirely normal for you to have friends completely unknown to your parents?! I certainly do.

It is not going to affect earth's orbit though, is it? Lucky to have so little else to worry or be annoyed about! Tell her to grow up!

This is weird. What’s the community? I’m guessing Slimming World or the WI.

It would have been polite to tell your mum in advance.

Why didn't you take 30 seconds and introduce your friend to your mum? You both sound like hard work.

If your mum didn't know anyone there or thought she was going just with you then i could see her issue - but she could just have come over and speak to you if she wanted to know who your friend was. I wouldn't have gone over, I'd probably just have given her a smile and wave from across the room if I caught her eye.

She sounds like she's hard work and still thinks you're 5 years old and should know every aspect of your life. It wouldn't surprise me if she had very low self esteem and that's why she felt this was a slight, why she was embarrassed in front of her friends and why she felt she had to cover up. It all smack of very low self esteem.

I agree with @Choconut that your mum refuses to see you as anything but a dependent child, a sign of her lack of self-esteem and own neediness, as she treats you as a child who needs her mother to navigate social interactions. The fact you've shown her, in front of others, that you're actually an independent adult has shaken her belief in herself and she's fighting against it.

I'd say carry on.

Her comment about not covering for you is weird though.

I obviously don't know the full backstory, so apologies if I am being over harsh, but it sounds like you deliberately upset your mother. My mother would be embarrassed too. Why did you deliberately not tell her, or do polite introduction on arrival? Whatever your relationship, deliberately making your mother uncomfortable publicly, is not the way to go.

It's rude not to say hello and introduce your friend.

Yeah seems odd not to have said hi to your own mum

It does kind of sound like you wanted to create a bit of drama by bringing a "friend" along, but purposely keeping your mum in the dark about it so she would feel awkward.

Really weird not to go and say hello to your mum when you arrived. Would it have hurt you to introduce your friend to her? I can't imagine being in the same building as my mum (who I am not even particularly close to) and not interacting with her when I arrived. Your behaviour is bizarre.

It's all a bit bizarre to me. We would usually say if anyone else was coming, whether or not we did we would all do introductions at arrival or during whateverv event, if possible we would sit together and definitely move around to chat, and nobody would give a monkeys who was chatting to whom unless they were entirely left on their own, which they wouldn't be.

Here's the thing, it's good for you to have your own social life independently of your mum, especially if the relationship is a bit odd. The way you do that though is by going to different events, not by going to the same event but ignoring each other and glaring across the room. Ignoring each other makes it all a bit odd and uncomfortable for you and everyone else. If you are going low contact then say a breezy hello on the way in and leave it there, rather than make the situation awkward. Find your own events to go to alone or with friends though, that's when you'll really have a much better time.