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AIBU?

Help me help DH…

31 replies

StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 22:08

NC! I’m really worried at just how much DH is drinking energy drinks, I’m talking 4-5 big cans of monster/relentless a DAY!

We have young children, I have shown him endless articles of people who have died from excessive energy drink consumption, the effects on the heart, but it never sinks in. He thinks because he doesn’t drink alcohol it’s basically a ‘balance’🤦🏻‍♀️

What’s worse is he’s only early 30s, his family have history of heart problems, and he already suffers high blood pressure. He complains of breathlessness a lot, pins and needles in his arms, but this has literally become normal to him! I have sobbed to him saying how worried I am that I’m going to become widowed and my children are going to grow up without their dad. How do I get through to him?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

32 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
19%
You are NOT being unreasonable
81%
Quartz2208 · 07/10/2022 22:12

Oh OP I feel for you - a friend lost her partner at 42 to a heart attack and he was forever with a can of energy drink in his hand. It makes me angry that they are sold with no rules attached and are popular with teenagers

To much caffeine is dangerous and with his symptoms he needs to go to the doctors

StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 22:18

Quartz2208 · 07/10/2022 22:12

Oh OP I feel for you - a friend lost her partner at 42 to a heart attack and he was forever with a can of energy drink in his hand. It makes me angry that they are sold with no rules attached and are popular with teenagers

To much caffeine is dangerous and with his symptoms he needs to go to the doctors

I’m really hoping people commenting with real life experiences are going to help, don’t know why- nothing else has!
Wrt doctors, he simply will not go. He gets these symptoms daily, so to him this is his ‘normal’. No matter how much I beg, he doesn’t care. Which also leads me to believe it may be some form of depression? Which I’ve outright (soft heartedly) asked him. He told me I was being silly and ofcourse he isn’t depressed. But why would you live like this? And not get help for symptoms? It’s really grinding me down!

OP posts:
FivePotatoesHigh · 07/10/2022 22:18

Breathlessness and pins & needles aren’t normal even if they’ve come to feel normal for him. He really needs to see a doctor.

FivePotatoesHigh · 07/10/2022 22:19

FivePotatoesHigh · 07/10/2022 22:18

Breathlessness and pins & needles aren’t normal even if they’ve come to feel normal for him. He really needs to see a doctor.

Sorry I meant to put ‘daily’ on the start of that

StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 22:21

FivePotatoesHigh · 07/10/2022 22:18

Breathlessness and pins & needles aren’t normal even if they’ve come to feel normal for him. He really needs to see a doctor.

I know. I really do. 5 mins of running around/playing with the kids, and he’s gasping for breath and sweating saying he needs to sit down and feels dizzy. There was 1 time I finally got him to go to the doctors, and they put him on beta blockers and a phone call with the hospital cardiac doctor (don’t know correct term, sorry!). When they found out he was on this medication, they hit the roof saying absolutely no way should someone this young be on them. That’s it, never been able to get him back to gp again!!

OP posts:
StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 22:43

Hopeful bump😞 I sound needy but really I feel like there’s nothing I can actually do and have to basically accept that he’s going to end up killing himself. How does one just sit back and accept that? Hell it even crossed my mind to take his bank card, make him have no access to money so he couldn’t buy the fuckers!!! Obviously I couldn’t do that, but I definitely thought about it.

OP posts:
porkandbeans · 07/10/2022 22:54

Really sorry that you are worrying so much. It's a horrible position to be in. If you made a fuss over making sure his life insurance is all up to date would that make him think?

Why does he drink energy drinks? Does he like the taste? Does he have no energy? Could he alternate it with something else?

I really hate them. My DH used to drink a lot of them but gave them up. Drinks the odd one or two but that's about it.

This story did make him think www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-56747731 Hopefully it will have the same effect

StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 23:04

porkandbeans · 07/10/2022 22:54

Really sorry that you are worrying so much. It's a horrible position to be in. If you made a fuss over making sure his life insurance is all up to date would that make him think?

Why does he drink energy drinks? Does he like the taste? Does he have no energy? Could he alternate it with something else?

I really hate them. My DH used to drink a lot of them but gave them up. Drinks the odd one or two but that's about it.

This story did make him think www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-56747731 Hopefully it will have the same effect

Thank you for your response. I don’t know what it is but tonight in particular I’m just extra-worried, but can’t put my finger on it! I’ve come up to bed as exhausted due to broken sleep last night with teething baby, and I can hear him coughing every 10 minutes and it just dawned on me ‘what if you go down in the morning and he’s dead’. Maybe it’s me who needs to see a GP!

He drinks them for all them reasons you’ve stated! He likes the taste, he never has energy/always tired and also because if he goes more than a few hours without one he gets the shakes/headaches withdrawal symptoms. He did switch to lucozade for a few weeks, but claimed they weren’t ‘doing’ anything for him!

Thanks for the article, he has seen it and others- he just shrugs! Either he genuinely doesn’t care about the effects or he thinks he’s immortal obviously.

OP posts:
Defender90 · 07/10/2022 23:08

My DH drank one a day and ended up with heart failure. It was an extremely scary time for both of us (he's 42) and now on meds for life.

He hasn't had one in about 18 months now.

Hexenjagd · 07/10/2022 23:08

Having been in this situation (not energy drinks, but a head in the sand attitude to making a serious health issue much much worse) the ONLY thing you can do is be brutally honest about your financial position going forward.

you’ll pretty much have to sit him down, and say you accept he is determined to ignore health advice, so you need to have some financial certainty.

Don’t mince your words with this next bit… its Important

There are two outcomes, one he dies instantly, so you will need good life insurance on him, and all the paperwork ready. Also, because it’s a massive faff, all passwords to anything you might need to access in the hours and days after he drops down dead. Get him to sort this in front of you.

The other possibility is the inevitable heart attack or stroke merely incapacitates him, so you need all of the above (insurance, paperwork, passwords) and also he needs to tell you about a DNR, choose what sort of nursing care, etc.

sounds harsh, but I’m living it right now. Huge stroke in his 40s. Had an active job. Will never work again and now a blue badge holder, needs caring for. It’s shit. And I hate it even more because he could have prevented it. Also. I Wish we’d got better health insurance.

Zeb81 · 07/10/2022 23:17

Breathlessness and coughing can go hand in hand with heart and lung issues. With my son it was asthma, successfully resuscitated, with my parent it was heart, we had no idea the cough was a symptom, after surgery, no more persistent cough.

These things should not be ignored, and if he needs energy, his body working properly will be more effective than energy drinks which I understand to make things worse.

StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 23:18

@Defender90 thank you for sharing, I really really want to show DH all of this and a switch just clicks- that there really is damage being done and one day it will be too late! Doubtful but hopeful!

@Hexenjagd God that was just the comment I needed!!🙏🏼
That scared the shit out of me, maybe having that exact (I’m literally going to read it off the screen how you have stated it) thing said to him, will put his arse in gear. We do have life insurance but maybe saying if he’s willing to carry on he can contribute more than what he is now to make up for his premature death.
Every day I go from upset/worried, to angry, to detached (head in the sand), and back to worried! I’m so tired of worrying.

OP posts:
StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 23:25

Zeb81 · 07/10/2022 23:17

Breathlessness and coughing can go hand in hand with heart and lung issues. With my son it was asthma, successfully resuscitated, with my parent it was heart, we had no idea the cough was a symptom, after surgery, no more persistent cough.

These things should not be ignored, and if he needs energy, his body working properly will be more effective than energy drinks which I understand to make things worse.

I’m on Google daily showing him his symptoms are serious, asking if I can phone GP/111 on his behalf- his reply is always the same ‘not a chance in hell, I’m not going anywhere/seeing anyone’.
I’ve tried so hard to make him see these symptoms are not to be ignored, being caused or made worse by how much he drinks these things, always to no avail. Even me ugly crying where you have that involuntary suck-in breath thing (I’m sure there’s a word for it, I just don’t know what it is) begging him to stop. All he could say was well I don’t drink alcohol and that would have REAL damage on my health, so stop worrying so much!!

OP posts:
Hexenjagd · 07/10/2022 23:26

i Hope it goes well for you.

if I could give you anything, I think it would be acceptance. I actually found myself feeling oddly calm now that it has finally happened.

You CANNOT make him change. You do need to realise that. And make sure he knows, you aren’t trying to make him change. Tell him You ACCEPT he will likely become Ill or die prematurely. So you now only need to make sure everything carries on a seamlessly as possible without him.

the best case in this scenario is he stops with the childish dynamic of just resisting you and bloody well sorts himself out. The next best… well, at least you will be prepared for whatever happens.

im so sorry this is shit. It really is. But I do feel calmer now I know what I am facing.

ChocChipOwl · 07/10/2022 23:27

You do sound overly anxious about this I have to say - but I fully understand why!

The thing is .. you have to understand you can't make him do anything. He's a grown man with children acting much like I'd expect a teenager to be acting

After you've begged, pleaded, cajoled and got angry with him, what is there left? Not a lot really

His health is HIS responsibility and you can only control yourself.

Have a real long think about this. Would you be prepared to leave him over his ridiculous over consumption which is clearly affecting his health? If not, then it's time to just stop going at him as he's clearly not listening.

The only thing left for you to control is your own actions so tell him you're considering your marriage as what he's doing is a blatant disregard for you and see if that shakes him up a bit.

Trying to show him horror stories isn't working

Hexenjagd · 07/10/2022 23:32

@ChocChipOwl also speaks sense, I’d add that to the list of options tbh.

be really dispassionate about this if you can…. Hmmm , well I CBA with finding your dead body, or wiping your arse for the next 20 years when you have that inevitable stroke… so I’m mulling this over.

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2022 23:36

Worked with a lad who had a heart attack at 23. Actual full blown heart attack. He'd been addicted to them since about 13, drank litres a day in his case, been suffering with palpitations, sweats, breathlessness for months running up to it. Everyone told him it was the energy drinks but he wasn't having it.

Twenty fucking three. He gave them up after, obviously, and is now addicted to those weird chunky aloe drinks instead. At least they won't kill him! His teeth though. Black, revolting. Poor kid.

StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 23:39

ChocChipOwl · 07/10/2022 23:27

You do sound overly anxious about this I have to say - but I fully understand why!

The thing is .. you have to understand you can't make him do anything. He's a grown man with children acting much like I'd expect a teenager to be acting

After you've begged, pleaded, cajoled and got angry with him, what is there left? Not a lot really

His health is HIS responsibility and you can only control yourself.

Have a real long think about this. Would you be prepared to leave him over his ridiculous over consumption which is clearly affecting his health? If not, then it's time to just stop going at him as he's clearly not listening.

The only thing left for you to control is your own actions so tell him you're considering your marriage as what he's doing is a blatant disregard for you and see if that shakes him up a bit.

Trying to show him horror stories isn't working

Thank you, I suppose yes I am. Believe it or not aside from this, we have an amazing life! Day to day it’s mainly me rolling the eyes when he opens a can, then maybe once/twice a month I get really emotional and worried about his health, pull up horror stories, what his symptoms could potentially mean etc.
We get on so well, he always has me belly laughing, he does more than enough with doing his share with the household/children. I think it’s more I just love him so much I couldn’t bare the thought of him not being here, and it really drives me into a state of panic!
I do see what you are saying though, it’s a viscous cycle of begging something that he isn’t willing to change, and my options are to stop doing that (then I feel like I’m just letting him slowly kill himself), or walk away, which honestly right now would absolutely break my heart.

OP posts:
StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 23:42

Hexenjagd · 07/10/2022 23:32

@ChocChipOwl also speaks sense, I’d add that to the list of options tbh.

be really dispassionate about this if you can…. Hmmm , well I CBA with finding your dead body, or wiping your arse for the next 20 years when you have that inevitable stroke… so I’m mulling this over.

Sorry! Took me so long to type out my previous reply, I didn’t see this.
As I replied above, I wish I could do it. My heart really isn’t built like that, my conscience would say imagine that being the last ever thing he hears you say! I’d probably be in therapy for guilt for the rest of my life!

OP posts:
Onceuponawhileago · 07/10/2022 23:45

Just bring it up and say if he drinks one more can in or outside the house you are leaving. End of story. Have divorce papers ready. Its no way to live.

StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 23:47

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2022 23:36

Worked with a lad who had a heart attack at 23. Actual full blown heart attack. He'd been addicted to them since about 13, drank litres a day in his case, been suffering with palpitations, sweats, breathlessness for months running up to it. Everyone told him it was the energy drinks but he wasn't having it.

Twenty fucking three. He gave them up after, obviously, and is now addicted to those weird chunky aloe drinks instead. At least they won't kill him! His teeth though. Black, revolting. Poor kid.

Wrote a massive reply and it deleted!!
Long story short I have shown DH a few reports on younger people (late teens/early 20s), his argument was that their heart/bodies were too young to cope with it and that was why!! Insensitive and stupid but just how hard it is to get through to him!

OP posts:
Muddywaters1 · 07/10/2022 23:51

Without even taking in to consideration any of the health risks, drinking that much Monster must cost nearly £200 a month?????

StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 23:51

Onceuponawhileago · 07/10/2022 23:45

Just bring it up and say if he drinks one more can in or outside the house you are leaving. End of story. Have divorce papers ready. Its no way to live.

It really isn’t is it. But I love him so much (and I’m sure he knows this) and that’s exactly why I worry so much about him. It also lingers that is this not willing to help himself a form of depression, and I couldn’t bare leaving him and him doing something terrible-(he’s never afaik been suicidal, but I’ve also thought of this as a way of minor self harm) if that makes any sense!

OP posts:
DonnaBanana · 07/10/2022 23:52

Even if you ignore heart problems, since not everyone is affected by caffeine in that way, heartburn, stomach pain and esophageal problems from the constant acid could be around the corner

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2022 23:54

StupidEnergyDrinks · 07/10/2022 23:47

Wrote a massive reply and it deleted!!
Long story short I have shown DH a few reports on younger people (late teens/early 20s), his argument was that their heart/bodies were too young to cope with it and that was why!! Insensitive and stupid but just how hard it is to get through to him!

Well if there young bodies can't cope, how does he figure his older body will?

Heavy denial. Minimising. Deflecting. He's well into addiction - finding any way to justify continuing his behaviour.

I'm sorry you're going through this - living with an addict sucks, regardless of what they're addicted to. Can't imagine the anxiety. Sadly there's not much you can do for someone this much in denial about their own problem. It's one of those things - rock bottom has to happen before change can happen.

Think hard. If it was alcohol or drugs instead of energy drinks... What would you do? Would you leave?

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