Funny comment made at work

[Fridaynights]

Hi everyone..

I work in an office with a small team and we all get on 99% of the time. There is one lady in particular who started a few months ago. I don't think she likes me very much (has never been said as far as I'm aware but I can just sense it) which is fine as I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I honestly have no idea why as I've never done or said anything nasty towards her. I've always been polite, tried to help her, included her in conversations etc, however she always seems really dismissive towards me. I find her so patronising at times. She is young, early 20's (not that it should make a difference, for context I'm only 29) but everyone jokes that she's very blasé, care-free and saids whatever she wants without thinking. She saids this herself too btw.

She's snapped at me a couple of times and I've always bit my tongue as I don’t want to be the reason why there's an atmosphere in work. I feel like I walk on egg shells with her and any time I make a joke she goes on the defence or the conversation turns into a heated debate, even though she takes the mickey out of me all the time and I just take it on the chin, even if the jokes are not in good spirit. She’s not like this with anyone else, just me. I've let it go so many times as I hate confrontation. I just want to go in, do my job and come home but today she made a comment which really upset me. She brought in some biscuits, it was early and I'd just made a tea round. She offered everyone one and I was the only who said yes which is when she turned around and said "of course you would say yes “fridaynights" and sort of sniggered and turned away. I didn’t say anything and just carried on with my work but it’s been playing on my mind all day.

I don’t know what she meant by that. There’s been plenty of times where others have had snacks and I’ve said no. I am overweight, a size 16 to be exact but I have been trying to lose weight recently. Not that I talk about it 24/7 or shove it in peoples faces, it’s just that everyone in there talks about healthy eating/exercise now and again so it’s come up in conversation a couple of times. I don’t care what she thinks about me so I’m not sure why it’s upset me so much but I came home and had a cry about it. I’ve not told anyone how I’m feeling or that she’s upset me quite a few times, my boss wouldn’t care anyway as she doesn’t get involved in any of the office dramas. I get on really well with the rest of this team, it's just this one lady. Maybe I’m just being sensitive, it is the time of the month.

AIBU? Would you be upset?

I agree with people who suggest asking her to explain her comments. Try to avoid getting emotional yourself as the aim of her game is to hurt you so don’t let her see that. Making her explain herself shows that you know what she’s up to and you’re not going to get sucked in.
on the same note I would make sure you don’t ignore her or start being unpleasant back, that shows she’s getting to you. Don’t try and be really nice and charm her either. Just be entirely neutral towards her. You may find her behaviour escalates at first as she tries to provoke you. Just calmly say “I don’t understand what you mean” or “what are you trying to say?” or “can you repeat that please?” Be emotionally non-responsive, use ‘grey rock’ technique. That could easily be enough to end it fairly soon.
Make notes of every incident (times dates witnesses) and if it doesn’t calm down you’ll have a clear record of bullying behaviour to take to HR. This will also help you in the moment as you can listen to her comments knowing that you are going to write them down and if she continues she will eventually be answerable.

I am actually stunned she made that cruel, sly dig about your weight. Totally unprofessional and unacceptable.

She sounds unpleasant but you've said that when she makes a joke she goes on the defensive so it sounds like you may have upset her once or twice too? Maybe your personalities/humour are just clashing.

I think you should stop joking with her so that you can then say something if she is cruel again (because that comment was cruel and it would be cruel to anyone, overweight or not as it implies greed and being the "odd one out" - it is designed to set you apart and isolate you from the group) without being accused of being a hypocrite. I simple, "wow that was rude" in a shocked tone would convey the message politely but clearly.

*you make a joke.

Completely out of order and if she continues to have sly digs I’d definitely speak to the manager

I don’t know if I would take her to a private room and speak to her as PP have said. I have seen these kinds of people before and they are dangerous. The type that would make up false allegations to be spiteful.

I’d speak to her somewhere where there are cctv cameras so that if she were to try and falsely accuse you of something, (not saying she would, but I tend to be over cautious about some people) there would be camera footage to prove she is talking crap.

Also it might be worth voice recording your conversation with her on your phone, in case you need it.

I’d tell her nicely but firmly to stop and that if you don’t you will complain about to her to your manager.

you have my sympathy OP. Not nice people

it might be worth voice recording your conversation with her on your phone, in case you need it

Pretty sure it's against the law to do this in the workplace.

She’s being a bitch. Okay dumb and ask her watch she means next time. And not quietly .

I read the thread and thought this. She's then have to put herself as a being nasty.

I think I'd just avoid talking to her tbh. I know you workin the same office, but I'd probably just not give her any ammo. She seems to be unnecessarily combative. People like that love drawing you into a confrontation, so just ignore. If she addresses you directly about something (not work related), I'd take a long time to respond because I was busy working and then give a boring answer. Don't feed her. She's a rl troll

I have found that calling them out on it in a fairly polite way normally nips it in the bud, especially if it’s in full view of everyone else. A quick “are you threatened by me? “ normally does it. What can she say to that?

She sounds like a bullying cunt. Start noting all these moments of hers where she makes snide comments.

This is very good advice.

There are an awful subsection of people like this. It's not you, it's her. I spit on her biscuits!

A Personnel Manager, admittedly many years ago now, I always remember their advice was to say "I, beg your pardon"? on stuff similar to this. (Has the person think twice about what they said apparently)