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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funny comment made at work

64 replies

Fridaynights · 07/10/2022 20:31

Hi everyone..

I work in an office with a small team and we all get on 99% of the time. There is one lady in particular who started a few months ago. I don't think she likes me very much (has never been said as far as I'm aware but I can just sense it) which is fine as I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I honestly have no idea why as I've never done or said anything nasty towards her. I've always been polite, tried to help her, included her in conversations etc, however she always seems really dismissive towards me. I find her so patronising at times. She is young, early 20's (not that it should make a difference, for context I'm only 29) but everyone jokes that she's very blasé, care-free and saids whatever she wants without thinking. She saids this herself too btw.

She's snapped at me a couple of times and I've always bit my tongue as I don’t want to be the reason why there's an atmosphere in work. I feel like I walk on egg shells with her and any time I make a joke she goes on the defence or the conversation turns into a heated debate, even though she takes the mickey out of me all the time and I just take it on the chin, even if the jokes are not in good spirit. She’s not like this with anyone else, just me. I've let it go so many times as I hate confrontation. I just want to go in, do my job and come home but today she made a comment which really upset me. She brought in some biscuits, it was early and I'd just made a tea round. She offered everyone one and I was the only who said yes which is when she turned around and said "of course you would say yes “fridaynights" and sort of sniggered and turned away. I didn’t say anything and just carried on with my work but it’s been playing on my mind all day.

I don’t know what she meant by that. There’s been plenty of times where others have had snacks and I’ve said no. I am overweight, a size 16 to be exact but I have been trying to lose weight recently. Not that I talk about it 24/7 or shove it in peoples faces, it’s just that everyone in there talks about healthy eating/exercise now and again so it’s come up in conversation a couple of times. I don’t care what she thinks about me so I’m not sure why it’s upset me so much but I came home and had a cry about it. I’ve not told anyone how I’m feeling or that she’s upset me quite a few times, my boss wouldn’t care anyway as she doesn’t get involved in any of the office dramas. I get on really well with the rest of this team, it's just this one lady. Maybe I’m just being sensitive, it is the time of the month.

AIBU? Would you be upset?

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 07/10/2022 22:36

She sounds rather immature and dick-headed. I agree that you should call her out on it. Every time.

It is bullying behaviour, and bullies very often squirm and back off when directly challenged. So challenge her.

GGGD · 07/10/2022 22:42

She’s insecure and jealous of you which is why she’s pleasant when she’s gaining from you and so keen to put you down. I worked with a b*h like this for 20 years. As others wisely advise, make her think you haven’t heard her, ask her to repeat herself but above all attach no importance to her comments and forbid her to have any space in your mind. She’s pathetic.

Ship · 07/10/2022 22:43

I would play dumb with her crap insulting jokes. I’d say ‘I don’t get it, what do you mean?’ And make her say why it (isn’t) funny

TheLostNights · 07/10/2022 22:45

Agree with the other comments about standing up to her.
So sorry you are dealing with this, you do sound so lovely x
Remember, this is her behaviour and therefore her problem.

catandcoffee · 07/10/2022 22:46

Stop helping her.. she's a bloody bully.
Try and stand up for yourself.

LivingMyBestLie · 07/10/2022 22:47

She sounds like an immature twat.

Yes I'm petty (and older than both of you) but I would definitely play her at her own game. Blank her and be intentionally off when no one else is around. Continue being nice to everyone else.

J0y · 07/10/2022 23:00

I can tolerate anything except people have two personalities on the go. One
Fawning, one "frosting".

I read an article earlier which suggested asking "what am I missing herewith I liked as it's not too fawning. But it'snot an accusation that they can make a meal out of being offended by.

Vecna · 07/10/2022 23:11

You have to make it difficult for people to be shitty to you. Unfortunately, that might mean confrontation, but usually only once, and you may even be proud of yourself. Most bullies won't make comments to someone who will challenge them in return.

You should have asked "what do you mean?" As simple as that.

KatherineJaneway · 07/10/2022 23:18

You need to start pulling her up each time she is rude to you

I've let it go so many times as I hate confrontation

Not many people do

paintitallover · 07/10/2022 23:20

What @5128gap said. She'll stop if it feels more of a risk. At the moment she senses she can get away with it.

Valhalla17 · 07/10/2022 23:25

She's an immature dick. Next time she says ir does something like that, tell her very loudly to grow up.

Cowhen · 07/10/2022 23:29

I agree with others that 1) She is awful, and 2) A simple "What do you mean?" would be a way to call her out. I'm extremely shy (and an absolute coward), but I think I could manage to get this phrase out because I'd be ready with it. I don't think you're being overly sensitive at all.

megosaurusrex · 07/10/2022 23:31

I echo what everyone else has said here. I also worked with a bully similar to this and had a manager who wrote it off as a "personality clash" because she was too weak to deal with it. It hopefully won't go as far as this with you, but I ended up making a formal complaint to HR in the end, so I recommend documenting these incidents so you have a record of them.

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2022 23:32

I think just flatly asking "Sorry, what do you mean by that?" or "I don't understand the joke, can you explain?" Will put a quick end to this behaviour, because she'll be forced to find a way to explain that she's making fun of your weight.

This is what I do whenever anyone makes any kind of snide comment like that - just play dumb and ask them to explain their comment or joke to me - loudly, so everyone else can hear. You can't even be pulled up on it because you can just say "I'm sorry I just genuinely didn't understand what she meant!"

Celebrityskint · 07/10/2022 23:35

She’s a wee bitch.

every time she says something like that I would ask her to repeat herself or explain exactly what she means

Onlyhuman123 · 07/10/2022 23:37

What a horrible bully. she was prob the school bully too.
As others have said, you need to have a word with her about her bullying attitude and that it's been noticed by others in the office. If she doesn't stop, go to HR.
I wish you the confidence to be able to call her out. Best of luck. X

GhostCastle · 07/10/2022 23:54

She’s a knob. I’d keep clear and ignore her from now on.

Merryoldgoat · 08/10/2022 00:03

Your mistake was ignoring it the first time.

If I were you I’d confront it head on next time.

’Sarah - that’s a really unkind comment and it’s not the first one you’ve made at my expense. It’s not something I’m willing to ignore anymore so we can either agree that it stops now or we can go and discuss the matter with HR’

She’ll say some shit about you not being able to take a joke but stand your ground.

’Its not a joke. It’s repeatedly being unkind and it’s not funny. If you disagree then I’ll make an appointment with [supervisor] and she can progress this with HR as your poor humour isn’t going to impact my work anymore’

Stand up for yourself. You’ll feel brilliant.

scoobydoo1971 · 08/10/2022 00:25

You sound like a very lovely person. You are the diplomat. I was you many years ago, and worked with quite a few nasty bitchy women (and men) over the years. Age, wisdom, reflection and more confidence made me realise you have to shut those sorts down right away. She thinks you are a target and people pleaser. She is jealous of you, but also has her own personal issues rooted in insecurity. She expresses them by bullying you. Jokes about weight are cheap shots. For what it is worth, I have an obvious disability. Some of the less forward thinking people in my village shout names at me and gossip wildly (never met me formally I hasten to add, these are strangers who share my postcode). It is like being in the dark ages being called all these names. In my case I am a target because I run a successful business, despite my conditions. I have a thick skin and don't want to be their friends. I think some people are just bitter and want to lash out at anyone who is different. You stay as you are, I would love to be in your workplace. Don't ignore her next time. If she has a dig at your waist line, you should reply with a tinkly laugh "I can lose inches, you cannot grow charm". It will give her the rages if she thinks she is the object of pity for having a big uncontrolled mouth.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 08/10/2022 00:30

She know exactly what she is doing. You need to stop being friendy and pull her up everything she makes a comment. She'll soon stop.

Mamai90 · 08/10/2022 00:31

It's really sad that so much bullying goes on in the work place. We teach our children not to bully but adults are as bad as children. Especially in the work place. I hear it all the time.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. I know its difficult because it's that kind of sneaky passive aggressive bullying behaviour that you feel you can't report (even if you had an understanding manager).

My advice is stop being nice to her, even if it goes against your nature. These types sniff out the gentler natured person to pick on. It's sad that a nice person such as yourself has to toughen up to tackle this type, you shouldn't have to but I think she needs to see you're not a push over.

The other thing which I'd suggest is asking to have a quiet word and pull her up on the biscuit comment. Let her know she's pissed you off and you won't accept that shit. Don't let her gaslight you if you confront her.

LondonLovie · 08/10/2022 08:51

I would come back with some 'that's not very kind' retorts. I wouldn't get into a back and forth (she'd have probably come back with a 'lighten up/ it was only joke type comment) but i would firmly respond: no, it was not very kind.

If she snaps- I would say: that was very brisk. I wouldn't ask 'why she was being brisk' but I would state the fact, how I felt.

I would stand up to her in a non confrontational way. I would make my feelings clear or she will walk all over you and others will follow.

Look at active bi stander training for some confidence and inspiration. And I'm sorry this is happening it is micro behaviour bullying & it's very unpleasant

billy1966 · 08/10/2022 09:03

Nasty person.

Keep a note of her remark which was rude.

Stop helping her.

You need to TELL her not to speak to you rudely.

When you stay quiet to keep the peace you can cause a war inside yourself.

Stop tolerating her rudeness.

Piglet89 · 08/10/2022 09:12

What a total prick she is.

@SheWentWest has quite a good potential Solution, though.

GoldenSpiral · 08/10/2022 09:12

If you're not feeling brave enough to snap back or ask why she is saying these cruel comments, then you could always try something my MD did to call out bad behaviour. It was really subtle, she would simply say in her most concerned voice 'are you ok <insert name>?'

It seemed to always catch them off guard and not repeat their behaviour for fear of looking unstable.