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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my Dd go with MIL

34 replies

Kee0110 · 07/10/2022 09:55

I got a text last night from MIL asking our plans on Saturday afternoon as her friends are down to stay in caravans they own on a camp site near by and she wants to take our kids dd 9 and dd 8 months to see them.
I've met these friends twice (her best friend from school and extended family daughters, and grandchildren)
The first time i met them was brief I hadn't long met my partner we was out and about with MIL and was introduced , we said Hi I had a few looks up and down and they continued conversation with MIL, didn't think much else of it.
Second time we met MIL met us at the campsite they were staying at.. I hadn't long had baby (MIL first grandchild) she must have only been a few months old, MIL wanted her friends to meet her. Straight away I felt out of place, I said hello (im friendly) got a quick hello back from her friend but her daughter again looked me up and down didn't say a word and walked up to MIL holding my dd and said 'ooh i bet your a daddys girl' then walked off back into her caravan. Awkward. Not the warmest of greetings from them to say the least. At that point I felt like I really did not need to be there, so asked MIL before we went inside shall I just go home and come back to grab the girls later on? Which she insisted I stayed just incase baby cried (at the time she wouldn't settle on MIL) I understood and stayed. We went inside and I joined myself in on conversations MIL was having to get involved so i wasn't just sat there like a spare part. Her friends daughter kept popping in to say that the chinese food was coming soon and i felt like that was my cue to leave, I left with kids and MIL stayed.

AIBU to say no to MIL taking the children to see them this weekend or do we take them out for the day? I dont want to be petty about it but I feel like I come as a package with my children and they made no effort in the slightest both times we met to get to know me. I did not have to take both my kids to meet them I did that for them and MIL.

MIL is lovely in many ways but likes to show baby off alot and kind of tries to take over my role in lots of things me, partner and I have to bite our tongue alot. I feel like she might sulk over this if we don't let them go.

Id like to also add that I am mostly well presented and friendly and I really don't understand why they felt like they couldn't approach me or maybe they just didn't want too. It all felt very weird.

Please kind words only there are more reasons as to why I feel like i do and partner understands and feels same way , although he is more laid back than me.

OP posts:
123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 07/10/2022 10:20

I would probably ask if she means just the kids or you both. If just the kids I would say give yourself a hard earned break and enjoy a few free hours. If she means for you to go and watch the kids while she shows them off whilst you get backhanded insults then it would be a no from me

TheCornishmaid · 07/10/2022 10:26

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 07/10/2022 10:20

I would probably ask if she means just the kids or you both. If just the kids I would say give yourself a hard earned break and enjoy a few free hours. If she means for you to go and watch the kids while she shows them off whilst you get backhanded insults then it would be a no from me

She wants to just take the children. She has a partner now and I guess it will be his first time meeting them too. Yes we did think we could have a couple of hours to ourselves.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2022 10:30

Not a chance would they be taking my baby for a day.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 07/10/2022 10:30

TheCornishmaid · 07/10/2022 10:26

She wants to just take the children. She has a partner now and I guess it will be his first time meeting them too. Yes we did think we could have a couple of hours to ourselves.

Show quote history

In that case, I would go for it but plan something for you and husband to do something nice but local to them if possible so that way if it is too much for her then you are to hand. Enjoy a few hours to yourselves :)

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 10:31

I think it's fine. They're her friends and her grandchildren. If you trust her to care for them I don't see a problem.

yellowtwo · 07/10/2022 10:33

Do you get along well with your MIL OP?

MarshaMelrose · 07/10/2022 10:36

Would you happy for her to have the children for the day if it didn't involve her friends? Or are you worried about leaving them with your mil because she's unsafe with them? Does your 9yo get on with her?

Lou98 · 07/10/2022 10:39

If you trust your MIL to look after them then I think the friends are irrelevant.
They'll likely enjoy a day at the caravan and unless you're worried that they wouldn't be looked after properly, enjoy having the time to yourself

BreatheAndFocus · 07/10/2022 10:40

If you don’t feel happy about it, just say No. you could always compromise by ‘popping in on your way somewhere’. That way you’d be with your DC too and could end the visit when you wanted to.

Hugocat1 · 07/10/2022 10:40

OP, and I mean this kindly - you dont come as a package. There are MILs friends and not yours. When your kids get older will you feel annoyed if you don’t get invited on their play dates?

If you split up with your partner will he not be able to see the kids unless you go along too?

When they start school will they not be able to go unless you are allowed to sit in the class with them?

If you know they are safe and looked after let them go and enjoy the child free time.

Goldbar · 07/10/2022 10:41

I might send 9yo but not the baby if you're feeling uneasy about it. Personally, I would have been happy to leave my baby with MIL or my mother for a day at that stage, but different people feel comfortable with different things and I trusted them both implicitly.

TheCornishmaid · 07/10/2022 10:45

yellowtwo · 07/10/2022 10:33

Do you get along well with your MIL OP?

Yes we do get on, like I said she is lovely and I do trust her with the girls 100%

TheCornishmaid · 07/10/2022 10:50

Hugocat1 · 07/10/2022 10:40

OP, and I mean this kindly - you dont come as a package. There are MILs friends and not yours. When your kids get older will you feel annoyed if you don’t get invited on their play dates?

If you split up with your partner will he not be able to see the kids unless you go along too?

When they start school will they not be able to go unless you are allowed to sit in the class with them?

If you know they are safe and looked after let them go and enjoy the child free time.

Of course not, I dont mean it is deeply as that. I think because of how stand offish they was towards me I just feel uneasy about the situation. I trust MIL with the children. I am just in two minds and looking for advice, il probably let them go as I like to do the right thing. It was just bugging me.

TheCornishmaid · 07/10/2022 10:54

Goldbar · 07/10/2022 10:41

I might send 9yo but not the baby if you're feeling uneasy about it. Personally, I would have been happy to leave my baby with MIL or my mother for a day at that stage, but different people feel comfortable with different things and I trusted them both implicitly.

We have left both children with MIL for the day and also overnight stays, i trust her completely with them and they always have a great time. I don't know I felt a little uneasy and territorial I guess when she asked just because of my own experience with meeting them.

Goldbar · 07/10/2022 10:55

I'd send them and I wouldn't be offended at not being asked myself. Tbh, it is a slightly different dynamic having adults around when you're there with friends than just children... you can't send them off to watch TV with a snack or to play on the playground while you have a chat 😄. I know when I'm at my in laws, MIL especially feels she should make an effort to chat and spend time with me (and I with her!) and, although we get on and generally enjoy each other's company, it's a different dynamic to when PIL have DC on their own or with DH and DC can just be sent to play in the garden or given some toys in a corner.

ladycarlotta · 07/10/2022 10:56

Hugocat1 · 07/10/2022 10:40

OP, and I mean this kindly - you dont come as a package. There are MILs friends and not yours. When your kids get older will you feel annoyed if you don’t get invited on their play dates?

If you split up with your partner will he not be able to see the kids unless you go along too?

When they start school will they not be able to go unless you are allowed to sit in the class with them?

If you know they are safe and looked after let them go and enjoy the child free time.

It's troubling that you apparently DON'T consider that a mother and her baby come as a package. MIL even wanted OP there to handle the baby if she cried.

Honestly, if you want access to someone's kid you would be insane not to appreciate that their parent isn't part of the package. These friends are really really rude if they think that they can forge a relationship with the children but freeze out their mother as if she's staff or something. Your argument is a complete straw man.

NKFell · 07/10/2022 11:00

I don't see myself coming as a package with my children.

OP I understand how you might feel but I think let them go with her and enjoy some time for yourselves.

custardbear · 07/10/2022 11:04

I'd say you'll pop by for a quick coffee with the children and literally nip in.
I'd also be overly friendly to the friends to make them look stupid if they're being that rude

Goldbar · 07/10/2022 11:06

ladycarlotta · 07/10/2022 10:56

It's troubling that you apparently DON'T consider that a mother and her baby come as a package. MIL even wanted OP there to handle the baby if she cried.

Honestly, if you want access to someone's kid you would be insane not to appreciate that their parent isn't part of the package. These friends are really really rude if they think that they can forge a relationship with the children but freeze out their mother as if she's staff or something. Your argument is a complete straw man.

Show quote history

There will be different ages at which parents are comfortable leaving their children in the care of others, but personally I've found one of the most interesting aspects of parenting to be finding out how my DC behaves in environments away from me without me there to swoop in and speak for them. Of course other adults - family, childminder/nanny, nursery staff - can and do have independent relationships with children, often from a young age.

TheCornishmaid · 07/10/2022 11:08

ladycarlotta · 07/10/2022 10:56

It's troubling that you apparently DON'T consider that a mother and her baby come as a package. MIL even wanted OP there to handle the baby if she cried.

Honestly, if you want access to someone's kid you would be insane not to appreciate that their parent isn't part of the package. These friends are really really rude if they think that they can forge a relationship with the children but freeze out their mother as if she's staff or something. Your argument is a complete straw man.

Show quote history

Thankyou, part of me is this and exactly how I am feeling like do they really deserve to enjoy my children when they had no interest to get to know me?

yellowtwo · 07/10/2022 11:10

Well then op enjoy your time off!

TheCornishmaid · 07/10/2022 11:17

custardbear · 07/10/2022 11:04

I'd say you'll pop by for a quick coffee with the children and literally nip in.
I'd also be overly friendly to the friends to make them look stupid if they're being that rude

Thats how I was before, I wanted to show them I am friendly and approachable I just think they had no interest in me. I would be really happy to not ever see them again tbh and I trust MIL with the girls so if they was to go I'd just leave them to it.

ladycarlotta · 07/10/2022 11:18

Goldbar · 07/10/2022 11:06

There will be different ages at which parents are comfortable leaving their children in the care of others, but personally I've found one of the most interesting aspects of parenting to be finding out how my DC behaves in environments away from me without me there to swoop in and speak for them. Of course other adults - family, childminder/nanny, nursery staff - can and do have independent relationships with children, often from a young age.

Show quote history

choosing to leave a child in the care of others is completely different to being expected to bugger off because someone only wants to socialise with your child and not you.
OP is facilitating her children's relationships because they can't yet do that alone. We all do this for our kids. It's not helicopter parenting to pick and choose who they spend time with and how.

TheCornishmaid · 07/10/2022 11:19

NKFell · 07/10/2022 11:00

I don't see myself coming as a package with my children.

OP I understand how you might feel but I think let them go with her and enjoy some time for yourselves.

Thankyou for your advice and thankyou for understanding too.

MarshaMelrose · 07/10/2022 11:29

We have left both children with MIL for the day and also overnight stays, i trust her completely with them and they always have a great time.

Then I would leave them all to have a good time together. It seems odd that you'd withhold them from enjoying time together because you didn't find her friends to be welcoming enough.

do they really deserve to enjoy my children when they had no interest to get to know me?

This sounds a bit weird to me because it's not really about you, it's about your children and your mil. Your baby won't remember anything but if your 9yo has a good time with them, isn't that what's important? Surely what matters is what your mil knows about them, not what they know about you.