Sexually inappropriate driving instructor

[NC9987]

This is really long so I do apologise.

I've woken up after having a dream about a driving instructor I had when I was 17.
I rarely think about him unless I see a driving instructor car and then he pops into my mind. But it's made me think about him now. Whenever I do think of him, I immediately regret not reporting him.

When I was 17 I started having lessons with him. I paid for 10 lessons upfront for a discounted rate.
After the 2nd lesson, he began making inappropriate comments. We would be driving along and he'd see a woman walking down the road and say "I think your tits look better than hers".
When this happened I died inside. I've had men be inappropriate before. It's like I've been vulnerable to this and there's a sign on my head letting men know.

In the couple of lessons that followed he made more inappropriate comments. He made me drive down a country lane and park up. He told me there were 'other ways' I could pay for my lessons and if I wanted to do this he could also guarantee I'd pass my test.
I was so frightened. My heart was pounding. All I said was I wanted to go back onto the main roads.
We drove home. In fact I think he actually took over driving because I said I felt nervous to drive on the country road. I was shaking.

That was lesson 4. I then messaged him afterwards to say I didn't want any more lessons. I worked in a shop at the time and he came into the shop to try and talk me into having the rest of my 10 lessons. He also phoned my work too.
I told my mum and dad who weren't supportive and just kept telling me that I'd be wasting my money if I didn't do the lessons.

In the end I gave in and went back for another session. Right before it I was shaking and telling my mum how scared I was and she just said "you'll be fine".

I wore a top covering my full top half. He put the heating on full and kept telling me I could undo my top. After that lesson I decided not to go back. I went to citizens advice and told them. God knows why I went there. They phoned the driving instructor agency who told the woman that if I made a complaint he'd be immediately struck off while they investigate.

I went home and told my parents who said it would be 'awful' for him to lose his career over this and I should just forget about it.
I felt guilty then that he could lose his job and didn't take it any further.

I now really regret this. I feel guilty that I didn't report it. I wish I had. He's still practicing now.
This was 19 years ago.

Your parents should have supported you.

These abusers are everywhere, they seek out positions where they will have power over women and girls. It's not your fault.

That's shocking your parents didn't support you.

He's a dirty creep, and your parents have serious problems in how they think girls and women should be treated.

How is your relationship with your parents now as an adult?

What a horrible experience. I wish your parents had encouraged you to report him to the police never mind just his workplace. I had a weird driving instructor as well. I've often wondered whether it's common for creeps to go into that kind of job where they are alone with teenagers.

Can you check whether he is still operation?

how would you feel about reporting it now? I guess he’s still doing the same to young girls. I’d be fuming if this was my child. I regret not reporting a sexual assault by the owner of a small firm I worked for on the weekend when I was 16. I felt ashamed and I guess I didn’t want the attention it would bring. I’m horrified now I’ve got a daughter who is nearly 15.

ps I’d be straight to reporting that creep if that happened to my child. I’m sorry your parents didn’t support you

Your parents sound terrible !!!

I cannot believe after you told them multiple times they didn't support you and persuaded you to return.

I'd still report him now. He might still be doing this or maybe not working now but still being a predator as it sounds like he was.

That's awful. So sad for 17 year old you.

I think you could still report. Historical allegations seem to be taken seriously now thanks to the Me Too movement etc. Maybe you should report if he is still working a driving instructor. I am sure there are probably support organisations but I'm sorry I don't know which, you would have to Google. Or whether you could go straight to the Police?

Lastly, sorry that your mum and dad were so unsupportive. Makes it feel far worse I bet.

Please report him now. You won’t be the only one he has targeted.Dreadful that your parents didn’t support you

I'm so sorry. That's a very frightening experience, and your parents' behaviour, sadly, was them trying to pretend it wasn't real. But it was.

Honestly, I'm not sure what you should do. Trying to fix this now will drag you through a lot. Which may make you feel worse. It's hard to say.

I know the drive to want it dealt with, though. My worst experience like that was being assaulted by a BPAS 'doctor' when pregnant. I tried some years after to report it and got a total blank wall. They said no records of any doctors, zero interest. But you know this guy, and know he is still operating. That in itself is scary.

Whatever you decide to do, at least know you have our absolute sympathy and support.

I'm not surprised you dream about it at times, horrible for it happen and horrible not to be supported. You were really brave to walk away and your self-worth must be high to have recognised how wrongly he was behaving.

Could you afford to speak to a counsellor maybe, to try to put it to rest? The victim is never to blame for any of it.

So sorry you went through that, please don’t feel guilty for not reporting, you didn’t have any support from your parents and they should be the ones feeling guilty, they behaved appallingly. I would have taken lessons at a similar time and I know I wouldn’t have the confidence to report as a 17/18 year old at that time either.

Your parents weren’t unsupportive, they were negligent! They prioritised a pervy stranger over their teen daughter, absolutely disgusting! I would definitely try and report it now,.

Have you ever discussed this with your parents since because their behaviour is shocking. One of the many reasons why I went LC with my mother was because she kept on inviting male relatives/ acquaintances over to our house who she knew were very touchy-feely to pre teen and teen girls. I remember having to dodge these creeps and having to keep and eye out for my younger sister too, urgh! The ‘men can’t help themselves” narrative is still incredibly strong.

My parents were negligent in lots of ways and would rather me be put in a dangerous situation than them look bad in any way.
My dad died a few years ago. He did have strange views that I didn't agree with regarding sexual assault etc. he could be quite 'victim blaming'. Eg, if there was a tv programme on where a woman was raped, he'd say she 'brought it on herself' or something along those lines.
My mum would just go along with my dad and would rarely say anything to disagree with him.

I do think about reporting him now. I can't imagine I'm the only person he did this with. I'm sure there will be more. Which is why I feel so bad.
I've googled him tonight and can see he has an active Facebook page advertising his business where he posts almost daily pics of teenagers who have passed their tests with him, congratulating them.

@MrsClarkandPercy
That sounds really awful. I'm so sorry that happened. That's very traumatic.

@RedWingBoots
My dad has now died but I still have a relationship with my mum. She has had abusive relationships in the past, and she'd often just agree with my dad. He could have a really bad temper at times.

As I grew older I questioned some of their decision making when it came to keeping me safe and they would either deny the experience happened or would say "why are you bringing this up now?" Or "why are you making out you had a bad childhood?" Or
"Anyone would think you had a bad childhood the way you're going on". That's what I'd normally be met with.

I world be hugely tempted to tell the police. The thing with safeguarding is that it’s like a jigsaw, lots of people hold different bits. Whilst yours is bad unless lots of people put their pieces together they are just fairly small incidents that in isolation may be ‘not quite bad enough’ but as the bits come together you see a monster. The chances are he hasn’t changed and there are still young girls getting virtually the same experience. Maybe the police already have a piece it two off this puzzle.

Sorry to hear this, I had a similarly experience, wonder if it was the same creep. I guess it’s a small comfort that if he’d continued to behave like this with lots of girls over the past 19 years, someone surely would have complained formally and had him struck off by now? Maybe he found out about your complaint and got spooked into changing his behaviour? Maybe you save a lot of other girls the same horror.

I'm an ADI and if you feel you can, it is the DVSA enforcement team that are the best people to inform. If you contacted the police at this stage they would probably just refer it to them anyway as there the age and nature of evidence makes it difficult to pursue as a criminal case. Even though it relates to a very old incident, it may well tie in with other bits of information and support the need for further investigation (which is often how their cases are built). Even if it is reported anonymously it can be useful, although obviously better if they have as much info as possible.

DVSA cases don't have the same burden of proof requirements, and action can be taken where criminal prosecution wouldn't stand a chance. This is often achieved by building up a portfolio of evidence through talking to lots of the instructors former students to build up a picture of behaviour.

It is unfortunately an industry with a poor reputation in this regard. Even as a male instructor I've had more than a few young female students over the years tell me how uncomfortable they felt with previous instructors with nothing like the blatant nature of what you suffered. I can only imagine what female instructors must hear as pupils are likely to be more open with them.

i hear about this kind of thing with driving instructors quite often. captive audience and power imbalance, perfect conditions for creeps to be creeps

It's not too late to report him, especially if he's still instructing. I get the unsupportive parents thing. I was abused by a friend's dad who was also our neighbour and my parents didn't want to make a fuss. They also wanted to invite him to my wedding reception :(

OP please, please, if you can (and I know its a big ask) report him.

He wasn’t called Pete, was he?

My instructed was exactly the same. A real creep. When he said turn right; he would ‘accidentally’ hit me on the boobs with his hand.

A proper creep and I was just 17.

@RainbowsMoonbeams
No he isn't called Pete. Just shows there's more of them out there!
That's awful he did that to you. Disgusting man.

@WrigglyDonCat
Is it possible to report anonymously? I can't imagine I'm the only person he was like that with. There's just no way he would have stopped there. I dread to think of how many people he's perhaps done this to, or worse over the years. I really wish I'd gone ahead and reported him all those years ago.