Should I offer a holiday to family

[Catcherintherice]

NC for this as some family could identify me from my normal username.

I have one sibling, who is widowed and has a son and daughter.

His son has a partner and a pre school age child. They both work and just about get by financially. His daughter is single, has 2 pre teens and 2 under 1’s. She worked PT before having younger DC and now on UC. She gets no child maintenance. Teens’ father sees them rarely and never takes them out.

They live in a flat and the 2 teens share a smallish room.

The teens have never had a holiday. Their Mum is always busy, can’t give them lots of attention, but she does love them and they are always clean and fed, etc.

I have saved some money, and would like to be able to treat the teens.

I am thinking just the teens and my brother, for them to be able to have their own rooms for once and a break from helping look after younger siblings. Possibly Center Parc, caravan park with entertainment, or even a budget holiday complex abroad. ( I would sort passports)

I know that my niece would prefer the cash equivalent. I don’t want to do that. She is in a significant amount of debt and the sum I have saved wouldn’t go far towards clearing that, - and it wouldn’t help her teens.

My brother and I always had holidays as children, and have many happy memories. I would love my great nieces to have a holiday whilst they are still young.

My AIBU is whether it is reasonable to make the offer. I don’t want to offend the ‘just managing’ nephew, as I couldn’t do the same for him.

I can’t ask my immediate family for advice as I don’t want my niece to find out until I have decided what to do, hence asking for more general input.

I’d feel it was massively unfair if I was the nephew.

Tricky. I’d make up some elaborate backstory - db and I were talking about our childhood holidays and how much we loved them and how it’s like centerparcs today and we decided to go! But centerparcs are for kids- would your two like to come? So there’s a holiday and the kids can come, not you want to treat the kids and decided a holiday.

Not if it’s a holiday for teens? You could cheerily say if I’m still able to in 6 years of course I’d take yours but they’re too young for this one.

Why take your brother without his partner and child?
Would you take just your nieces? With a possibility of taking the other 3 in a decades time, when they are (near) teens?

My brother is widowed. His children are adults. He has much more contact with my great nieces than I do, so I would prefer him to be there. I suppose I don’t really need to go apart from being the driver.
I did wonder about taking the others at a later date if I managed to save, but I will be retired by then, so can’t guarantee being able to do it.

That’s a good idea. Thank you

I think it’s going to lead to sibling discord if you offer a holiday to one family while knowing you can’t offer the same to the other. Holiday memories would be tainted by family arguments.

Could you do something smaller scale/ less time but with both families?

Alternatively, could you put money aside so the children could go on a school trip? That would skirt around the issue of not paying for the younger children.

There is a MASSIVE difference between taking teenagers on holiday and pre-school and under 1s.

I would do the former for my nieces/nephews, but not that latter. YOU also want to have some holiday fun and you wouldn't get much if that with such young children.

So if your nephew gets upset, just point out that it is because of the ages, and nothing more.

I like the idea of taking the beige and pre teens now, and explaining to nephew you’ll do the same for his child when he’s old enough to appreciate it.
you sound really kind and generous by the way 😊

Niece! Not beige obviously 😆

So your niece can’t come but her dad and two oldest children can?

No, too divisive. You’ll have upset left-out people all over the place.

Well I think it sounds like a lovely idea Have you asked your brother what he thinks?

So it would be your great nephews and your brother, thier grandad going? I think it’s a lovely idea. Go for it but maybe take the sister, her child and the other v young ones out on a nice day out somewhere like a safari park or just a weekend away. Surely everyone will get your lovely kind intentions and be happy for you to get a break with members of your family. The mum will be so grateful. If you go have a lovely time xx

It could work, if you tell nephew it's not personal , you can't take everyone it'll be nice for his dad and you'll try to do the same for his kids and nieces little ones when they are bigger. I think you go too , the 4 would be nice balance and my teens love hearing us talk about when we were kids so they'll probably love that dynamic.
Go with your gut feeling that it'll be good for these kids .

I really love what you want to do for your grandnieces. I think the best thing you can do is tell your nephew your intention, that they are teens and you don't want them to miss out on a teen-focused vacation like his dad and you had growing up and as they will be adults in short time, this is a rare opportunity to give them something special. I would suggest adding a bit more, if you feel comfortable, that 'when your kids are older, I'd love to do something similar' and possibly add, 'I'd love to do something special now w/ your little ones, maybe a kid friendly park and picnic?' This way the event differences are given a reason (age and lack of opportunities for teens), and the nephew likely understands that his sister struggles to provide them with any fun extras. Teens feel the lack of finances, but little ones rarely do if they are fed and loved.

I appreciate everyone’s comments, and the questions raised, as it helps me put things into perspective, and was the reason for posting.

I didn’t intend to include my niece, as if I do so she will need to bring the under 1’s. The teens won’t get their own rooms, and be able to just do things appropriate to their age. It would change the dynamic, and we couldn’t all fit in my car.

I can now sort of see that both my niece as well as my nephew might feel sidelined.

I think it’s a lovely idea.
My grandad and Uncle (no kids) used to take me and my cousin away when we were teens. To IoW in a B&B. We had a great time. My younger siblings didn’t mind (it also meant my parents had more time with them and or could use my uncles flat while we were away).
If I was the mum of the teens I’d snap your hand off if they wanted to go - it’d be a lovely break for them.

Plus if you don’t do Centreparcs and instead did say Butlins/Haven /Away (which are much cheaper) it doesn’t seem like such a big thing. E.g. it was going to be £1200 for a week at centreparcs and the same week was £159 at Haven.

You could offer to go with niece and nephew some other time and help with costs potentially when the other kids are bigger or maybe go on a tots break with them. If they are able to go out of season you can literally do Butlins for £100 for a family of 4 (inc all rides). Etc.

I think it's a lovely idea, and will be a great experience for the two older children.
It'll give your brother some quality time with his grandchildren.
It'll give your niece a bit of time with just her two youngest.
And nobody needs to feel left out. You could offer to do a toddler-friendly day out with the three youngest kids sometimes next year while the two older ones are at school.

I think the niece would be very selfish to begrudge her own teenagers the chance of a decent holiday particularly if she's not able to afford it to take them due to her own circumstance and life choices.

I would discuss it with your brother first though before

I think it’s a lovely idea. I can’t imagine anyone being annoyed given the age gap between the children involved. Taking older children away is completely different to pre schoolers!

I agree with this completely.
Why would anyone resent someone for offering their kids a treat.

The one year olds won’t even know about it.

It's perfectly oky to just invite the two teens. They are at the perfect age to absolutely love being "special". We made a point of doing the same thing for each of our kids so they all had that extra shot of adult attention and individuality. If you take your brother too, you can also each take one teen for a one-to-one little private treat, even if its just for fish and chips or a walk. Families of three kids hardly ever get that special attention.

Its their first ever holiday and I don't think it needs to be very sophisticated. They would probably love the novelty of a caravan, near a beach; beach combing, fish and chips, barbecues, cinema trip on rainy day, board games at night, funfair.

   I bet your  adult mother of 4  neice will be absolutely delighted to have a teen-free  break  with just the babies.  A completely different focus with no conflict   of  interests and tastes.

I would say do it! I’m in a (much) more fortunate position than your niece but, if I weren’t, I would bite your hand off if you made that offer to my DC.

I just thought I would pop back and let everyone know how this turned out.

Thank for all of the suggestions.

Things took a bit of an unexpected turn.

I decided that I needed to speak to my nephew as I didn’t want him to feel left out, and that it was best to explain my reasoning before making any offer.

I sometimes forget just what an all round lovely person my nephew is. He was over the moon that his teen nieces would get a holiday.

He told me that when he went to his caravan holiday he tried hard to be able to include the teens. They managed to save a bit extra for a larger caravan, but what eventually made it impossible was the tripling of prices during school holidays. He could take his little one outside of peak times.

We have now booked a holiday for my nephew’s family, and the teens, and I have paid towards that. The teens love their aunt and uncle, and are so happy to have a holiday to look forward to in May half term.