My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To think this is unfair

27 replies

Greekveggies · 06/10/2022 21:32

My DH works full time Monday to Friday 9-5 or sometimes 8-6 and is the main bread winner so pays for majority of 'stuff'.
I work 3 days a week from home and contribute 2/3 of my wage to the household. I do all of the cooking (including making breakfast/lunch), mostly do the food shop alone, walk the dogs 5-6 times a week (DH does 1-2 times). I do all of the laundry and cleaning. I do all of the planning, e.g I'm 6 months pregnant with my first child so am planning nursery/what we need for baby etc.

We keep having big arguments about this. I feel I prioritise our home and he does not. And whenever we argue he basically says he works hard and that makes me feel guilty, like I should be grateful that he works hard and earns good money.

He says he will just pay for dog walkers/cleaners etc which I don't like the idea of, so I feel I'm hypocritical in that sense, I just wish there was a bit more teamwork and am worried about how he will manage when baby comes.

So AIBU to think this division of labour is unfair or am I just complaining too much????

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

88 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
67%
You are NOT being unreasonable
33%
Shoxfordian · 06/10/2022 21:39

I don’t think you’re unreasonable but it makes sense to pay for a dog walker or a cleaner really- makes your life easier especially when you have your baby. It does sound like he doesn’t think he has to contribute though other than financially and that’s a red flag

LimeTwists · 06/10/2022 21:39

But you get two days off work per week, so it’s entirely fair that you do more around the house. If you aren’t working the same hours like him, then it makes sense that you do things to balance it out.

marmaladepop · 06/10/2022 21:43

Your dogs need at least 14 walks a week. Max of 8 between you is not enough. No doubt this will lessen with new baby. I never understand why people get dogs who simply cannot give them their basic needs.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2022 21:47

Why are you working pt when you don’t have a child yet? You have 4 days off, he has 2. It’s fair you do quite a bit more housework than he does. How much mess can two adults make, one who’s out of the house a lot?

His working hours and income do make yours possible so you should be grateful.

If he’s leaving wet towels on the floor and pretends he can’t use a washing machine he’s taking the piss. But if he expects you to use some of your free time to pick up proportionally more housework that’s reasonable.

Findahouse21 · 06/10/2022 21:49

You have 2 extra days off a week and don't currently have a child to look after..., in that position I'd definitely expect to be doing 80-90% of the household stuff - how many hours does cleaning or planning a nursery really take per week?

MrsKeats · 06/10/2022 21:50

But you work far fewer hours?

Unicorn2022 · 06/10/2022 21:52

You only work 3 days a week from home with no kids yet and are complaining about the division of labour? There is no labour at the moment that can't be done easily on your days off. The dogs need to be walked more though.

Darbs76 · 06/10/2022 21:53

It’s fair he has less chores if you’re part time. Is there a reason you’re part time? Eg medical? If he’s offering to pay for a cleaner / dog Walker then I’d take him up on it. I have both now and it was a luxury I thought I’d never be able to have so I am very grateful for the help as I work full time, single parent and have a chronic illness

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/10/2022 21:55

You don’t have any children. How much time does cleaning and laundry and “nursery planning” really take, considering you work part time? We both work long full time hours and have a more or less pristine house, and maintain it plus various life admin stuff in perhaps three hours a week input each in total. It shouldn’t be two days’ worth of work and I can see your DP’s point, particularly if he’s willing to buy labour in. There’s no point arguing about chores if you can afford to outsource. There’s no prize given out at the end of your life for doing housework yourself.

Greekveggies · 06/10/2022 21:55

OK loud and clear! I think it's partially because he is very messy and that feel inconsiderate.

Also the dog walking- it's once a day but we walk approx 10k per day

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 06/10/2022 21:58

Greekveggies · 06/10/2022 21:55

OK loud and clear! I think it's partially because he is very messy and that feel inconsiderate.

Also the dog walking- it's once a day but we walk approx 10k per day

If you bicker about whose turn it is to walk the dogs, why did you choose dogs which need long walks? As a non-dog person perhaps I don’t get it; but I don’t see the point in a pet which is a “chore” you argue about. Surely you choose an energetic breed because you enjoy walking or running and it’s your hobby and joy?

rageapplied · 06/10/2022 22:00

Why are you only working part time when you don't have a child yet ?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 06/10/2022 22:00

I’m struggling to see what he’s doing wrong. You’re doing the majority of chores because you’re at home all the time, but your husband has told you that if you feel it’s too much, he’ll pay for whatever service would help on top of paying for nearly everything else. You have nothing to argue about.

Gazelda · 06/10/2022 22:00

I echo what others have said.

But I do think that if he's not clearing up his own mess, then that is disrespectful.

Is it crumbs after making toast, or leaving his laundry on the floor, mugs all over the place etc?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2022 22:01

Do you consider dog walking a chore or a pleasure? If you don’t want to do it and he’s offering to pay a dog walker then obviously say yes, why haven’t you?

Have you ever worked ft? Why don’t you now? Being pregnant can be hard work but it’s not the same as caring for a baby or a child and most women work ft while pregnant.

Dirtylittleroses · 06/10/2022 22:02

um what? Why are you a part time worker expecting him to pay the extra Before you even have kids, do,you not like working etc,,,inc work in your own home.

ph to have a bloke who paid for everything and you didn’t have to do anything..eh 🤣

luxxlisbon · 06/10/2022 22:08

Literally a non issue, you are probably working half the time he is once you factor in his commute too. It makes complete sense for you to do most of the housework when you have so much more free time than him. Why are you complaining about making your own lunch when he’s at work?
It sounds like you are just happy being a martyr. You choose not to work more but complain about doing more housework, when your husband suggests a cleaner you still aren’t happy as presumably you want him to do the chores as some sort of punishment?

There really isn’t that much planning for a baby/ nursery. Some women go ott with it because they enjoy the process and that’s fine but in reality it’s not a big task.

lifehappens12 · 06/10/2022 22:11

Just picking up on the point he is messy. While I agree you should do more, I don't agree that you should pick up after him. To me that means - washing not in the laundry baskets and rubbish/dirty plates/mugs left out

If he is doing this - no not fair.

DahliasLove · 06/10/2022 22:17

Greekveggies · 06/10/2022 21:55

OK loud and clear! I think it's partially because he is very messy and that feel inconsiderate.

Also the dog walking- it's once a day but we walk approx 10k per day

Realistically you should be doing more in the house and as you have more time to do so, but with this update added, you are not his mother and he shouldn’t be just leaving everything at his arse, and if that’s your main gripe then YANBU.

mumof1or2 · 06/10/2022 22:31

marmaladepop · 06/10/2022 21:43

Your dogs need at least 14 walks a week. Max of 8 between you is not enough. No doubt this will lessen with new baby. I never understand why people get dogs who simply cannot give them their basic needs.

You don't know what breed of dog she has. Different dogs need different amounts of exercise. You also completely missed the point of OP's post!

RockItLikeRocketFuel · 06/10/2022 22:37

lifehappens12 · 06/10/2022 22:11

Just picking up on the point he is messy. While I agree you should do more, I don't agree that you should pick up after him. To me that means - washing not in the laundry baskets and rubbish/dirty plates/mugs left out

If he is doing this - no not fair.

This. YABU to moan about division of labour but he should at least clean up after himself because I'm tired of having that argument too.

Hotandbothereds · 06/10/2022 22:38

You’ve not answered yet why you’re only working part time? Have you always been part time, is there a reason?

Listing ‘making’ breakfast and lunch is silly, cereal/toast/sandwich is hardly a chore when you’re simply feeding yourself and aren’t leaving the house to go to work.

Subaru4336 · 06/10/2022 22:48

marmaladepop · 06/10/2022 21:43

Your dogs need at least 14 walks a week. Max of 8 between you is not enough. No doubt this will lessen with new baby. I never understand why people get dogs who simply cannot give them their basic needs.

I never understand people that think that ALL dogs NEED 2 walks a day. They don't. Please try not to generalise 🙃

Rentaroom33 · 06/10/2022 22:59

And you are bringing a child into the mix because….

seriously and we wonder how resentment builds!! You’re going to find being parents EXTREMELY hard if you are arguing over dog walking and if he expects you to mammy him @Greekveggies

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/10/2022 23:07

What proportion of his income goes towards the household?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.