Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think he is bad news

73 replies

Bensjewls · 06/10/2022 21:16

My husband told me that one of his best mates was caught out doing something really bad (during covid) and his wife found out. It involved breaching her trust. He moved out for a while to his parents while his wife was contemplating divorce. My husband told me that his mate told him he couldn't see himself divorcing her as they have 3 kids, he'd have to pay for them, his mum wouldn't want him living at her house long term so he said he's stuck and he had to go back to her. He said he has to behave himself from now on and can't co** up anymore as he'd be screwed. He said she'd (his wife)would be fine if she left him as she has her parents who she's close with and who live in a nice big house, they help out a lot and they'd probably be able to help her with the mortgage. His job is ok but he said as a couple they have more earning potential so he felt stuck and rather than go it alone he saw no way out but to stay with her and be more "hands on" than he had been in the past.

anyway, my point is he really sounds like a twa* and loser and am I right in not wanting my husband to be mates with someone with this sort of mentality?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bensjewls · 07/10/2022 20:47

Exactly@Oliverfunyuns

OP posts:

Itstarts · 07/10/2022 21:00

Oliverfunyuns · 07/10/2022 20:42

He sounds like a jerk. I'd be disappointed if my husband stayed good friends with someone like that and would probably tell him so. He chooses his own friends, but you're allowed to voice an opinion, and birds of a feather flock together... I'd wonder what DH saw in someone like that to want him as a friend.

Except the OPs post says the wife doesn't need him, she'd be fine on her own. But she took him back anyway. So it can't have been anything that bad.

So this is just a nasty post to bitch about her DHs friend. No actual details to make a judgement on whether the friend is a twat or not. But plenty to suggest the OP is not a very nice person by posting somebody else's dirty laundry just to prove a point to her DH.

Original poster

Bensjewls · 07/10/2022 21:02

@Itstarts she took him back as she was worried no one would want her with 3 kids. It's a lot of baggage! How she. An trust him after what he did, we both wonder!

OP posts:

Original poster

Bensjewls · 07/10/2022 21:04

(Plus she sounds like she's one of those who has little self respect which is sad)

OP posts:

PrincessButtercupToo · 07/10/2022 21:06

Bensjewls · 06/10/2022 21:24

@YellowTreeHouse
I guess i dont think someone like this would be a Good friend if hes able to do something like what he się to his wife and family.

While you gossiping about it on the internet is of course completely reasonable.

I agree with the poster above who said the three of you are each as bad as each other.

Itstarts · 07/10/2022 21:12

Bensjewls · 07/10/2022 21:02

@Itstarts she took him back as she was worried no one would want her with 3 kids. It's a lot of baggage! How she. An trust him after what he did, we both wonder!

So your DH is bitching about his friend behind his back to you so you can post online and berate said friend. It really doesn't matter if you think he's a twat. You and your husband are both twats too.

Twat is probably the wrong word. You and your husband are not nice people anyway.

Original poster

Bensjewls · 07/10/2022 21:16

and his mate is lovely I suppose? Rather be that than a liar who broke his family's trust.
my hubby is not bitching behind his back, we are 1 we share everything as a married couple. And this is meant to be an anonymous site 🤷 I went on here out of shock and am not revealing details as to not be outing.

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/10/2022 21:20

Yesterday there was an interesting thread about male suicide and how men don't necessarily talk about their feelings and emotions. Maybe this explains some of the reasons why they don't. Most women if a friend fucks up will talk to them offer a shoulder to cry on and not just bin them off as friends. Yet this man has talked and he is called a twat and his mates wife is encouraging his mate to stay well away.

Original poster

Bensjewls · 07/10/2022 21:21

The sanctimony on here. Like no one on mn has ever bitched about anyone else on mn! 😭

OP posts:

Itstarts · 07/10/2022 21:23

He might not be. He might be a complete jerk. But from the details you have said it just makes you 2 look nasty. Not the friend. You've said it wasn't an affair and it wasn't bad enough to break up the marriage. This post isn't asking for opinions because you've not given details to form an opinion, you're just looking for random strangers to justify your bitching.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 07/10/2022 21:23

To be honest, the older I get the less shocked I am.
He is your husbands mate, telling /confiding in him. I'd ask dh not to tell me/repeat that kind of thing tbh

Original poster

Bensjewls · 07/10/2022 21:32

@itstarts it was a breach of trust. He was doing something behind his family's back, something illegal and irresponsible!

OP posts:

Bensjewls · 07/10/2022 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

2become100 · 07/10/2022 22:16

He sounds like a twat! I feel sorry for his wife and kids.

FarmGirl78 · 07/10/2022 22:36

This is like when I was about 8 and there would be squabbling kids playing out in our little cul-de-sac....and you'd hear "My Mum says I shouldn't play with you because you're a bad influence on me". I'm assuming your husband is grown up enough to moderate his own behaviour despite being friends with the naughty boy you don't want him playing with.

PrincessButtercupToo · 07/10/2022 22:42

Bensjewls · 07/10/2022 21:32

@itstarts it was a breach of trust. He was doing something behind his family's back, something illegal and irresponsible!

And why exactly do you think that this lets you decide who your husband is friends with?

He’s presumably an adult, and can make his own mind up.

Itstarts · 08/10/2022 08:52

2become100 · 07/10/2022 22:16

He sounds like a twat! I feel sorry for his wife and kids.

Name change? Because there is nothing the OP said that suggests you should feel sorry for the wife and kids.

2become100 · 08/10/2022 08:59

Erm the fact that she says he betrayed their trust.... unless you think that's ok of course. And she said he was doing things behind their backs. Hmmm

VikingLady · 08/10/2022 09:06

Honestly? You can't, and shouldn't control his friends. But.

DH has some pretty awful friends that he's had a long time. I use them to point out behaviours I wouldn't accept from him without having to outright threaten leaving. DH is very sensitive to even implied criticism of possible future actions, which makes setting boundaries very hard, but if he's discussing one of his awful friends I can easily drop "god, I'd have left him in a heartbeat over that!" And DH gets the message about what is and isn't acceptable without any one being upset.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 08/10/2022 09:07

Loads of people do this op because financially they'd be worse off splitting. It's not great and they are living a lie, but not my life. It's just their miserable existence they have to put up with. I just wouldn't want to hear any complaining, because they chose to be there.

He does sound like he has learnt from his mistakes though and realised he was a shit father and husband.

2become100 · 08/10/2022 09:10

@ILikeHotWaterBottles yes it is living a lie. I can relate to this post as my sister is in a similar situation, miserable and living a lie as you say.

He does sound like he has learnt from his mistakes though and realised he was a shit father and husband.

i don't think many leopards change their spots, but for ops sake it won't matter as like you say they feel like they have no choice but to stay so will just excuse any future bad behaviours anyway!

2become100 · 08/10/2022 09:11

And the dh's know that so will probably end up being bad or whatever it is they did in future at some point

Eslteacher06 · 08/10/2022 09:26

You're 25, probably no kids yet and probably not had years of grind to understand how your husbands friend has got to this point. I don't think I'd do what he has done, but I have been in an abusive relationship and I put up with far more than I thought I would. I hated myself for it.

That said, if you and your husband want to judge him then I guess do that. But if you try to control who your husband sees, believe me, he will start to resent that and rot will set in. I know you say you have no secrets now, but that means nothing in the future especiallywithantics like this.

All you can do is make it clear you are not happy with his behaviour if you hear about him. If your husband is that much of a sheep to follow bad behaviour, he isn't the perfect man you think he is. Trust him ffs.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread