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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the teacher should have arranged a meeting?

30 replies

Asparagoose · 06/10/2022 14:47

Picked up my 4.5yo from school and his teacher pulled me aside to discuss his behaviour. In front of everyone she described how he’s behaving badly and they initially think it might be autism related, so they’re keeping him under supervision for now.

AIBU to think this was not an appropriate conversation to spring on me at the school gate without warning? And certainly not in front of others. She could at the very least have invited me to step inside privately for a minute, or even arranged a formal meeting to discuss DS’s behaviour with my husband present. I don’t know whether to complain or let it go, I just feel it was totally inappropriate.

OP posts:
Hellopello · 06/10/2022 14:53

YANBU. What month was he born in ? Is it an option to wait a year to start school to give him a chance to mature emotionally?

coffeeandpoetry · 06/10/2022 14:54

YABU. I used to work in a school. This is typically what we tend to do, unless something more serious has occured.

With all due respect, if we had to arrange meetings with every parent whos child was behaving badly, we would never have time to get anything productive done.

cata09x · 06/10/2022 14:56

YANBU personally I would be complaining if that happened to me. That's a personal conversation that other parents / people around don't need to hear.

Sprogonthetyne · 06/10/2022 15:00

Pulling you aside about behaviour is normally and 90% of parents will have one of those chats at some point. Raising concerns about autism isn't really a quick chat at pick up kind of conversation. It was a bit different for me as DS was already on the diagnosis pathway when he started school, but every conversation about his SEN was help in private.

Testina · 06/10/2022 15:00

YABU to think a first meeting needs to have both parents present. Fine if they’re both available, but school shouldn’t be expected to work around two parents’ availabilities.

They also need to be efficient. If you’d got a letter suggesting an appointment, would you have been cross nothing was detailed? And if it was detailed, would you have been cross that it was just in a letter?

I think a direct heads up at pick up is fine - but YANBU to expect a little privacy for it.

BeautifulDragon · 06/10/2022 15:01

I don't think you need to complain or let it go. Just email or whatever you use to communicate and ask that future discussions/ concerns over DS's behaviour and development are not discussed on the door.

BeautifulElephant · 06/10/2022 15:03

That sounds really insensitive of the teacher. I don't think it warrants a formal complaint but definitely some sort of expression that this is not how you want things handled. Next time you see the teacher can you just say I'd appreciate it if we can talk inside for my privacy.

AntlerRose · 06/10/2022 15:04

I dont think its unreasonable to step somehere private like the classroom. I dont understand why this is a burden on the teacher over speaking to you in front of everyone else.

I actually also think if you are going to suggest to a family that their child might have a life long condition that could severely impact them in a range of ways, that it shouldnt be in front if a crowd. Its not just saying 'you need to be aware little johnny was a pickle today and was given a warning'

However, i wouldnt complain other than to ask further discissions about this are in private.

bloodywhitecat · 06/10/2022 15:05

She should've told you this in a quiet space where the conversation couldn't be overheard by other parents.

girlmom21 · 06/10/2022 15:27

If she pulled you aside I don't see how she did it in front of everyone?

bumpytrumpy · 06/10/2022 15:32

Fine to expect them to do it somewhere you wouldn't be overheard.

Not fine to expect them to wait until your husband is present as well... one parent is sufficient

PAFMO · 06/10/2022 15:37

Are you not concerned that your child's behaviour is such that the school suspects he may have autism?
Work with them. Not everything you feel insulted by is an insult.

JessicaBrassica · 06/10/2022 15:37

It's not great, but you can always say, " do you want to dismiss the rest of the class and then we can have a chat, I'm happy to wait". That is usually quite effective - shows engagement and reduces the risk if others listening and judging. I've used it many times!

WinterCarlisle · 06/10/2022 15:37

Absolutely fine and normal to have a quick word with a parent at the end of the school day about an issue that may have arisen that day.

Absolutely NOT fine to suggest the child may have autism. That’s completely out of order and way beyond the remit of a “quick” chat. If there’s a concern that a child may need assessing for ASD / ADHD / whatever then this should be a private, sensitive meeting involving the SENCo.

Original poster
Asparagoose · 06/10/2022 15:43

Well I picked DS up today and said I spoke to him this morning about behaviour, how has he been? The teacher said he’s been fine 🤷‍♀️

I’m puzzled how we’ve gone from “autism” to “fine” in 24 hours. So now I’m not really sure what’s going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asparagoose · 06/10/2022 15:46

Are you not concerned that your child's behaviour is such that the school suspects he may have autism?
I’ve spoken to him about behaviour and said I’ll withdraw privileges if this continues. Not much else I can do right now. Next step I’m wondering if it’s reasonable for me to feel miffed about how the school has handled this. It was just dropped on me in front of other parents in the yard.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 06/10/2022 15:46

Asparagoose · 06/10/2022 15:43

Well I picked DS up today and said I spoke to him this morning about behaviour, how has he been? The teacher said he’s been fine 🤷‍♀️

I’m puzzled how we’ve gone from “autism” to “fine” in 24 hours. So now I’m not really sure what’s going on.

This is a really bizarre comment. He's been fine for the level of behaviour they expect from him.

Children with autism aren't naughty.

smileandsing · 06/10/2022 15:49

Regarding a chat about general behaviour YABU, but to raise the suggestion of autism without prior warning and in public was very unreasonable. I'd suggest speaking to the school about that part and to discuss further as if it's a genuine concern it needs investigating

BendingSpoons · 06/10/2022 15:54

Asparagoose · 06/10/2022 15:43

Well I picked DS up today and said I spoke to him this morning about behaviour, how has he been? The teacher said he’s been fine 🤷‍♀️

I’m puzzled how we’ve gone from “autism” to “fine” in 24 hours. So now I’m not really sure what’s going on.

Presumably his behaviour today has been fine. That is different to whether his ongoing behaviour could indicate Autism.

I agree with PP. Telling you about an incident that day is a conversation for pick up. Telling you he might have Autism is a private meeting discussion IMO.

saraclara · 06/10/2022 16:10

WinterCarlisle · 06/10/2022 15:37

Absolutely fine and normal to have a quick word with a parent at the end of the school day about an issue that may have arisen that day.

Absolutely NOT fine to suggest the child may have autism. That’s completely out of order and way beyond the remit of a “quick” chat. If there’s a concern that a child may need assessing for ASD / ADHD / whatever then this should be a private, sensitive meeting involving the SENCo.

That. You don't spring the idea of autism on to a parent spontaneously at the end of the day, in front of others. That's absolutely appalling, and yes, I'd want to mention it to the head. It's incredibly unprofessional and insensitive.

I'm a long time teacher of autistic children, by the way.

Redbone · 06/10/2022 16:10

YANBU. The teacher was being extremely unprofessional here and I would be complaining to the Headteacher about this. I was also a teacher for over 30 years and this would never have happened in any school I taught at.

Lougle · 06/10/2022 16:13

I would never expect that sort of conversation to be had in front of other parents. My 16 year old DD has SN and is finding college tricky. I arrived to pick her up early at the college's request, and when I got there the teacher took me into a storeroom for a quick chat, so that our conversation was confidential.

glamourousindierockandroll · 06/10/2022 16:22

I am a teacher.

Stopping you at pick up to mention his behaviour - absolutely fine.

Casually dropping in that they think your son might be autistic is totally out of order.

They could have called or written to you in the coming weeks to invite you in for a proper chat and get your views/ experiences of him at home. Teachers cannot diagnose autism.

I remember how I felt after my son's first parents evening in Reception (summer born) and I am sure they were dropping in all the ASC traits to lay the ground work. Nothing ever came of it.

Oneandone · 06/10/2022 17:00

If this is the first time autism has ever been mentioned it was innapropriate. That is a huge thing to spring on you.

Pulling you aside to talk about bad behaviour is relatively normal though. I always make an effort to step away from the parent whose being spoken to by the teacher so I don't overhear anything.

Lndnmummy · 06/10/2022 17:02

coffeeandpoetry · 06/10/2022 14:54

YABU. I used to work in a school. This is typically what we tend to do, unless something more serious has occured.

With all due respect, if we had to arrange meetings with every parent whos child was behaving badly, we would never have time to get anything productive done.

Isn't a potential autism diagnosis serious in your school?