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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship with EX

57 replies

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 09:53

Ok this could get long but don't want to drip feed.

My child's dad and I have been split up for 7 years, (we were only together 5 so friends longer than a couple) he moved many miles away. We have stayed friends throughout that time even when we have been in other relationships. We would call each other for a catch up a couple of times a week, offer advice, help each other out. I still had his older child stay at my house and maintained a relationship with them too.

When I met my DP 2 years ago he said he wasn't comfortable with my friendship with ex and I took that onboard and reduced contact a lot. We are still friendly but don't talk regularly outside of arranging contact or talking about our child.

Last week I was having car troubles, tried to ring my DP three times but no answer, tried to ring my brother but no answer. Time was getting on and I had to get to school pick up, I knew Ex would know how to solve the issue so I rang him. He gave me the advice I needed in a twenty second phone call and i went and did pick up.

My DP has kicked off massively that I rang my ex, he has said its inappropriate, I need to let go and accept he's not my boyfriend any more and leave him alone. He's saying its a deal breaker, I am so disrespectful, I can't help myself around men, he's absolutely adamant that I knew he would be upset about it so I shouldn't have rang him. He said instead I should have gone back into work and asked someone to help me. It was past 5 so most people had already left and I didn't want to approach a stranger from another floor.

Ex didn't mind me asking him. It was literally a twenty second phone call, it was a very simple problem but as I am a fairly new driver I hadn't experienced it before.

So my AIBU - was I unreasonable to as my ex for advice on my car.

OP posts:
TheSausageKingofChicago · 06/10/2022 09:56

No, you weren’t being unreasonable. He is controlling and saying you can’t help yourself around men is s massive red flag.

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 06/10/2022 09:58

Your 'd'p is a controlling arse. The hills are that way >>>>>>>>

Vegetablesupreme · 06/10/2022 10:06

No you weren't unreasonable at all. In fact it sounds like you have been very reasonable throughout your relationship with dp by reducing contact with your ex. I would stand your ground here. Your dp needs to know he can't control you in this way.

Original poster
TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 10:11

I said he was being controlling but he is adamant that people don't rely on their exes in this way.

I don't see a problem with it, we have a child together so we are linked forever more, surely it's better for everyone if we can get along.

OP posts:
Brokenteapot1 · 06/10/2022 10:14

Your DP can tell you who to speak to? Really?

AuntieStella · 06/10/2022 10:17

People usually call on whoever in their circle they think is most likely/willing to be able to help.

Don't argue through the nitty gritty of it, other than reminding him that he was your first port of call and you tried him (x3) before trying anyone else.

And that XP is a feature of your life and that if he really can't handle it then yes, choices you had hoped never to make might have to be considered. Because it's absolutely fine to be on amicable terms with an ex.

AuntSalli · 06/10/2022 10:18

His reaction is absolutely over the top and a big red flag but equally I think most people would not have phoned the ex.

Splutteramo · 06/10/2022 10:18

That’s bullshit. He’s insecure. One of my oldest friends is an ex. Dates for 3 years friends for another 20’after that. We holiday together, DP has no issue.
am also friends with a couple of other exes, again DP has no issue other than finding it slightly amusing. They’re exes for a reason.

CakeIsNotAvailable · 06/10/2022 10:19

I think your current partner shouldn't have reacted as he did, but actually I do think you need to have a think about your boundaries with your ex. It's great that you're amicable for the sake of your child, but if you are too enmeshed I can see that it may make relationships with new partners challenging. Personally I would remain civil with ex but take a step back and primarily communicate with him about the children. If you keep using your ex as your default support human, it doesn't leave much space for a new partner to occupy. If you're happy with your current dynamic with your ex, that's up to you, but it does mean you may struggle to form a new relationship. From your post, I wonder of part of you still has feelings for ex?

Splutteramo · 06/10/2022 10:20

You have a child with your ex - that means you have to have. Relationship with him.
my mate sees her ex a few times a week and has constant chat with him because the kids a young and they share 50/50.
it’s normal, and good, to have a relationship with the other parent of your kid - even when you’ve spilt up.

Original poster
TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 10:23

I definitely don't still have feelings for him. We have both moved on and are happy for each other.

He's not a default support human, he wasn't my first point of call but I knew he would be able to help and he did. I just need to get my car moving in order to pick up DS.

I tried my DP and my brother first. DP always had his phone on silent so missed my 3 calls and my brother was in the middle of a physio appointment. I could have rung friends I guess but I rang the person I knew would be able to help.

OP posts:
CakeIsNotAvailable · 06/10/2022 10:27

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 10:23

I definitely don't still have feelings for him. We have both moved on and are happy for each other.

He's not a default support human, he wasn't my first point of call but I knew he would be able to help and he did. I just need to get my car moving in order to pick up DS.

I tried my DP and my brother first. DP always had his phone on silent so missed my 3 calls and my brother was in the middle of a physio appointment. I could have rung friends I guess but I rang the person I knew would be able to help.

You're entitled to be close to your ex, but your new partner is entitled to have his own boundaries too. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is so close to their ex (and I wouldn't) then he is entitled to break up with you.

Merryoldgoat · 06/10/2022 10:27

Your partner is a controlling prick and I’d suggest you move on. You have no chance of happiness with a man like that.

He’ll only be happy when he gets his own way and watch that ramp up with more and more ridiculous demands.

Your clothes
Your hair
Where you go
How much you drink

All will become fair game to him if they aren’t
already but I reckon there’s other controlling stuff you’re minimising if you’re honest.

PurplePastaBake · 06/10/2022 10:28

Your partner is controlling and jealous. You shouldn’t have to explain yourself for calling someone to help.

Your child is lucky to have separated parents that get on so well.

Hankunamatata · 06/10/2022 10:30

Your dp is incredibly insecure

Mabelface · 06/10/2022 10:31

Fuck that shit. He's saying that you'd sleep with your ex if you had the opportunity. He has no right to tell you who you can speak to. If it's a deal breaker for him, let him walk. Or tell him to.

Original poster
TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 10:31

@CakeIsNotAvailable I totally agree and I have said as much to him. If it's a dealbreaker for him then I accept that and respect his decision. I haven't tried to change his mind. Just reiterated that I have already compromised and I don't feel I was in the wrong.

Apparently that just shows that I don't care anyway and is the wrong answer.

I am not willing to apologise and promise I will never call him again unless directly related to DS because I don't feel like what I did was inappropriate. I have said if he can't accept that then I understand. He is fully entitled to leave a relationship for any reason he wants.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 06/10/2022 10:33

OP - you’re the one with a healthy attitude. Not him.

America12 · 06/10/2022 10:33

The 'can't help yourself around men ' comment would have me dumping him.

Merryoldgoat · 06/10/2022 10:34

America12 · 06/10/2022 10:33

The 'can't help yourself around men ' comment would have me dumping him.

Me too. That alone would have been the nail in the coffin.

CakeIsNotAvailable · 06/10/2022 10:34

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 10:31

@CakeIsNotAvailable I totally agree and I have said as much to him. If it's a dealbreaker for him then I accept that and respect his decision. I haven't tried to change his mind. Just reiterated that I have already compromised and I don't feel I was in the wrong.

Apparently that just shows that I don't care anyway and is the wrong answer.

I am not willing to apologise and promise I will never call him again unless directly related to DS because I don't feel like what I did was inappropriate. I have said if he can't accept that then I understand. He is fully entitled to leave a relationship for any reason he wants.

I think you've done all you can. Neither of you is wrong to feel this way (though it sounds like your current partner was wrong to fly off the handle). Your current positions, though both reasonable imo, are incompatible and if you can't resolve it I imagine you'll split up.

Derbee · 06/10/2022 10:35

Firstly, it’s a wonderful thing for separated parents to get on well. It’s so good for your DC.

Secondly, you tried your DP first, then your brother, so it’s not like your ex is your first port of call.

I’d be having a serious conversation with your partner. It’s not reasonable for him to dictate who you can be friends with, no matter the history. If he is not ok with your friendship with your ex, he needs to end the relationship, not shout and control you. Saying “you can’t help yourself around men” is DISGUSTING and disrespectful, and I hope you can see that.

Do not let him make you start thinking that it’s normal for your partner to control your friendships/who you contact. Your child is the most important person here - the best thing is their parents get on well. If your partner isn’t ok with that, he needs to fuck off and find someone else.

Don’t let him come between your child’s parents. It’s not fair.

Original poster
TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 10:36

I think that's the point we are at.

I don't believe I am in the wrong but I understand that if it's a deal breaker for him then he is within his right to walk away.

It seems the only acceptable response in his opinion is for me to admit I was wrong, apologise and promise not to do it again.

I can't do that because I don't feel that it was inappropriate.

OP posts:
Original poster
TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 10:40

I do agree that the "can't help yourself around men" comment needs a lot more thought from me and it was a disgusting thing to say.

I just needed to check if I was in the wrong here. I genuinely didn't think I was but it does help to get an outside opinion.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 06/10/2022 10:50

It was related to your child. You needed your car to be able to pick him up.