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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relationship with EX

57 replies

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 09:53

Ok this could get long but don't want to drip feed.

My child's dad and I have been split up for 7 years, (we were only together 5 so friends longer than a couple) he moved many miles away. We have stayed friends throughout that time even when we have been in other relationships. We would call each other for a catch up a couple of times a week, offer advice, help each other out. I still had his older child stay at my house and maintained a relationship with them too.

When I met my DP 2 years ago he said he wasn't comfortable with my friendship with ex and I took that onboard and reduced contact a lot. We are still friendly but don't talk regularly outside of arranging contact or talking about our child.

Last week I was having car troubles, tried to ring my DP three times but no answer, tried to ring my brother but no answer. Time was getting on and I had to get to school pick up, I knew Ex would know how to solve the issue so I rang him. He gave me the advice I needed in a twenty second phone call and i went and did pick up.

My DP has kicked off massively that I rang my ex, he has said its inappropriate, I need to let go and accept he's not my boyfriend any more and leave him alone. He's saying its a deal breaker, I am so disrespectful, I can't help myself around men, he's absolutely adamant that I knew he would be upset about it so I shouldn't have rang him. He said instead I should have gone back into work and asked someone to help me. It was past 5 so most people had already left and I didn't want to approach a stranger from another floor.

Ex didn't mind me asking him. It was literally a twenty second phone call, it was a very simple problem but as I am a fairly new driver I hadn't experienced it before.

So my AIBU - was I unreasonable to as my ex for advice on my car.

OP posts:

CheezePleeze · 06/10/2022 10:53

He's very controlling and insecure.

However, I'm curious to know what your ex told you in 20 seconds that Google couldn't?

HangOnToYourself · 06/10/2022 10:57

Your DP is being controlling, I have a similar friendship with my child dad and would call.him if I was having car trouble as well so I dont think that's odd. My current partner was a bit taken aback at how well.i get on with him but has seen there is nothing romantic to worry about and understands we make an effort to be friends for our childs sake

HangOnToYourself · 06/10/2022 10:58

CheezePleeze · 06/10/2022 10:53

He's very controlling and insecure.

However, I'm curious to know what your ex told you in 20 seconds that Google couldn't?

Tbf with car related stuff I wouldn't trust I understood the problem well enough to google 🙈

onmywayamarillo · 06/10/2022 10:58

I do think your dp is massively in the wrong here!

If he feels so strongly about your child's father, what does that say about his thoughts on your son??

Sounds like he's clutching at straws as wants to end it anyway. He's using it as an excuse to walk and blame you

Original poster

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 10:59

I didn't even think of Google to be honest.

It was something very stupid, my key wouldn't turn in my ignition. I haven't been driving long and have never had this problem before. I tried turning it, the radio came on and went off again. I didn't want to force it anymore than I was cos it might snap.

I was rushing when I parked and didn't turn my wheels straight and it triggered some kind of parking lock or something. I needed to put the key and firmly wiggle the steering wheel.

I just panicked and thought oh god this is going to cost a fortune, I am going to be late picking up ds, crap what do I do.

OP posts:

Original poster

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 11:01

He's now saying that By not backing down I am proving I want my ex in my life more than him.

I don't think that is what I am saying at all. I am saying I am a grown adult and I am capable of deciding who to speak to and what is appropriate or not.

OP posts:

CheezePleeze · 06/10/2022 11:01

I didn't even think of Google to be honest.

I'm in no way sticking up for your DH but most people would turn to Google with a simple problem rather than their ex.

He still overreacted massively though.

Original poster

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 11:06

I think the EX thing is the sticking point. Yes we are exes but that was many years ago and we have been platonic friends much longer than we were together.

So while yes I wouldn't turn to my previous ex for help because that's all he is, just an ex, I don't actually think of ds dad like that. He's just ds dad.

My DP can't get his head round that and I can't make him see it my way but likewise I am not willing to be told who I can and can't talk to.

OP posts:

JoanCandy · 06/10/2022 11:09

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 11:01

He's now saying that By not backing down I am proving I want my ex in my life more than him.

I don't think that is what I am saying at all. I am saying I am a grown adult and I am capable of deciding who to speak to and what is appropriate or not.

Oh no, no, no … a life of treading on eggshells is in your future if you take this sort of treatment OP and then their is your DC to consider (consider them first, as you know).
I’d be extricating myself from this partnership sooner rather than later.
Just as an aside, my sister is still friends with her (re-married) Ex, they have grown up kids together and now they share grandchildren, we’ve all been on holiday together twice in recent years and she has also called him recently over a car issue too. It’s healthy and better for everyone if exes can get on with one another.

HangOnToYourself · 06/10/2022 11:13

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 11:01

He's now saying that By not backing down I am proving I want my ex in my life more than him.

I don't think that is what I am saying at all. I am saying I am a grown adult and I am capable of deciding who to speak to and what is appropriate or not.

No what you are saying is that you refuse to be bullied and manipulated by controlling behaviour. If it's a deal breaker for him then fine but you cant just bow down to his every whim

Merryoldgoat · 06/10/2022 11:17

So you’re totally out of order but he’s still there? The man is a prick and you know it.

Original poster

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 11:22

I think we have broken up. I'm kind of in shock really.

I refused to back down, so did he. There is no compromise.

He said I knew he would be upset so I shouldn't have done it.

I can't believe it's come to this really, I don't know how to feel. We have been arguing about it for days but I have just told him to not contact me anymore. We clearly can't agree on it and I find it controlling that he wants to tell me who to talk to.

I am reeling, I did know he would be mad but he didn't think we would end up breaking up.

OP posts:

XPD · 06/10/2022 11:32

He's a controlling dick OP and insecure to boot.
I've no idea how often DP speaks to his ex wife but it seems a lot (daily). Their relationship is finished but they still need to remain parents working together.

Is he controlling about anything else ? Friends / family / going out ?

HangOnToYourself · 06/10/2022 11:32

I'm sorry op this must be really difficult, I hope you are ok. It does sound like you already tried to compromise and he wasnt willing to at all or try and work on his jealousy so it was going to come to a head unless you didnt stick to your boundaries. Please make sure you have some in real life support right now

Original poster

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 11:34

Now he's saying I am throwing our relationship away over nothing and seems to have done a total U turn.

What the hell. A minute ago I was firmly in the wrong, now he doesn't want to lose me and I need to calm down and be rational.

Thanks for all the opinions, I am gonna just turn my phone off for a bit so I can get some thinking space.

OP posts:

HangOnToYourself · 06/10/2022 11:36

I think that is sensible, he is gaslighting you because you didnt back down. His behaviour has red flags all over it

KettrickenSmiled · 06/10/2022 11:38

Your partner is a giant baby of a cockwomble.
How DARE he try to control you like this?
You have already dialled back your friendship with your ex to make sure your partner is comfortable.
ANY man who kicks off about "respect" - in terms of "you must do what I order or else" is a control freak who has no respect for women themselves.
Saying you "can't help yourself around men" proves that, doesn't it? What a disgusting thing to say to you.

I can't believe he's raging like a toddler over a 20 second phone call.
Or that he thinks his "upset" is more important & valid than you being stranded by your car.

Please tell us you are thinking about how unreasonable he is in other areas, & ditching him?

KettrickenSmiled · 06/10/2022 11:44

TurtleTriplets · 06/10/2022 11:01

He's now saying that By not backing down I am proving I want my ex in my life more than him.

I don't think that is what I am saying at all. I am saying I am a grown adult and I am capable of deciding who to speak to and what is appropriate or not.

Classic manipulation. Well done OP - stick to your guns.

He said I knew he would be upset so I shouldn't have done it.
Fucksake. The ego on the man.

This stuff always escalates OP.
If you stick with him, he'll be policing any speech you have with ex on handover. Then he'll start on your women friends. They're no good, he doesn't want their bad influence aroind you, & why would you want to spend time with them when you could be with him? And you're not wearing THAT are you?! Also ... I;'ve told you XYZ "upsets me" so you need to change your normal behaviour or you are Bad & Wrong.

BeautifulElephant · 06/10/2022 11:44

Good idea to switch off for a bit. well done for holding your boundaries

KettrickenSmiled · 06/10/2022 11:46

Take all the time you need OP.

But when you can face it - give some serious thought to this - lonerwolf.com/hoovering/ -
because I curl my lip at his U-turn & not wanting to lose you. He's just saying whatever he thinks will sway you to take him back, & pretend this never happened ... until the next time he wants to control you & thinks you should do his bidding.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 06/10/2022 11:51

YANBU. YOu needed help picking up the child you have together. It's ExDP child after all.
You trued DP 3x no answer. Are you meant to just sit there and wait? You had to do school run. DP is being way OTT. Esp saying you can't control yourself around men. How ridiculous.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 06/10/2022 11:53

Also I'm sorry to say if you get back together this argument has a high probability of happening again.

Thelnebriati · 06/10/2022 11:53

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your ex. He sounds like a sensible man who doesn't want the mother of his children stranded, and didn't assume you were after sex when you phoned him for help with your car.

Your current DP sounds jealous and immature.

altmember · 06/10/2022 12:31

Calling when you need to talk about something (like helping with a car problem) is absolutely fine.

I'm not sure calling them for just a natter/ catchup twice a week is entirely appropriate though. But then I don't have any friends that I phone twice a week for a chat either, nevermind exes.

Derbee · 06/10/2022 15:00

His uturns and has lighting make him sound even worse.

Even if you WERE saying that you’d rather have your stable ex in your life than your jealous partner, that would be totally reasonable. Your ex is the father of your child. It’s best for everyone that you’re friendly. Better to be with someone who prioritises your child, and understands that you and your ex Co parenting and being friends is something to be admired, not angered by

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