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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking my 2 year old out of nursery for biting

37 replies

MrsRose2018 · 04/10/2022 22:28

My son is 2 (born end of June 2020) and, whilst absolutely no Angel, is generally one for the sweetest, funniest most loving little kids. His nursery have repeatedly told us how affectionate he is and how he is always the first to try abs comfort another child if they're upset.

HOWEVER, he's gotten into this awful phase where he is biting a kid literally every day at nursery. Usually out of frustration over a toy not being shared or sometimes overexcitement !This has been going on for nearly a month now on and off but isn't getting any better.

In his meagre defence, he never bit until he started in his new toddler room and was bitten like 3-4 times in a row so it's a learnt behaviour but it's going way past this now - he bit the same child 3 x this week alone.

We have literally tried EVERYTHING:

• ignoring it in case it's for attention (at home)
• sticker reward charts - at home and in nursery
• being calm but very firm - "biting is NOT nice/biting hurts/kind hands
• distraction
• Time outs - at home
• nursery have bought him bite buddy things for round his neck

I've just bought some books and nursery are suggesting shadowing him for a bit so they can intercept any biting attempts!

Nursery are great Tbf and say it's just a phase and he will get through it but I'm honestly distraught by it. To the point I'm considering taking him out of nursery for a month/a short period of time to try to crack the habit.

I'm even more concerned as I have a new baby due 20 December and I'm terrified of how this might make things worse.

My husband is completely against this and says that this is not the best way to handle it and we need to teach him how to handle his emotions in nursery rather than hide him away from it. He also says it's not the right thing for our Son who is very active and does adore being in nursery.

I completely accept this point but I just can't carry on like this. I'm crying every day after collection imagining how these poor bitten children and what their parents think!

I feel like a total failure and I just need to do SOMETHING!

Thoughts welcome x

OP posts:
caffelattetogo · 04/10/2022 22:30

Could you go in and do the shadowing?

Original poster
MrsRose2018 · 04/10/2022 22:32

@caffelattetogo no but nursery said they can have a member of staff with him to do the shadowing

OP posts:
YourLipsMyLips · 04/10/2022 22:33

You're being sort of silly about this; it's SO normal to have a biting phase! You can't 'crack it' by pulling him out of his routine and away from his friends. That would be quite cruel actually - and you can't continue to do that throughout his life can you?

You're dealing with it, nursery is dealing with it. He's not much past being a baby, just let the phase ride itself out.

BeautifulElephant · 04/10/2022 22:35

This sounds really difficult. It is common for toddlers to go through this phase though.

I think there are more things you can try...especially helping him manage his emotions better. I think the shadowing would really help so that you could intervene when you see him get mildly frustrated rather than waiting until he's very frustrated and it's too late.

When he's mildly frustrated you can teach him to recognise this by naming what's going on like..."it's not nice when we don't get our own way, I can see you are annoyed" and then give him some options of distraction or comfort.

Lavendersummer · 04/10/2022 22:36

Very kindly you are overreacting. Biting at this age is normal.Not every toddler does it. Ds1 didn’t. Ds 2 prolific biter. He grew out of it.
we were firm. Said no biting. Moved him away when he bit. His Dad stopped giving him a hug when he got home as he would bite him on the shoulder. He grew out of it.

properdoughnut · 04/10/2022 22:37

It work with the nursery. They will have seen it before.

Jadech · 04/10/2022 22:39

I 100% feel your frustration. Although my child didn't so much bite, he was a hitter with the occasional biting. It's very normal and I promise you it won't last. From reading your post the first thing that came to my mind other than the obvious normal phase is the transition in nursery rooms and the possible changes at home ready for the new arrival.

Keep doing what you are doing, kind hands etc. I remember my nan telling me to bite him back one day so he could see what it felt like 😂

Original poster
MrsRose2018 · 04/10/2022 22:42

@Lavendersummer absolutely a factor and I'm sure the pregnancy hormones aren't helping.

It's just he drew blood on Monday and I'm struggling with the idea of just having to let these other kids get bitten every day whilst he sorts himself out through this "phase"

OP posts:
CaptainBarbosa · 04/10/2022 22:46

Don't fret, some just go through a biting stage. It will pass as quickly as it came on.

DS was a biter, kid was like Dracula 🧛🏻‍♂️ it passed.

Nursery just kept an eye on him, shadowed, we said "no biting, not nice" and would remove ourselves from playing interacting with him. He then learnt biting= people went away from me, and he did not like that!

This too shall pass OP I promise, he's not going to be 35 sat in a board room and suddenly bite the other employees. 🤣

Onandgrowing · 04/10/2022 22:49

It is really normal.

My now absolutely delightful (really and truly, seriously never puts a foot wrong) 10 yo went through the most awful biting phase at about 2. It was just horrible and I felt like the worst parent ever.

It passed and is just a distant memory now. It will be the same for you. Remain consistent and don’t worry; it won’t last forever.

Whatacarryonthisis · 04/10/2022 22:49

Shouldn’t nursery be shadowing him already if it’s been going on so long?

Mariposista · 04/10/2022 22:55

How is he going to learn not to do it if he is not exposed to the situation. Once month later, you put him back in, routine all out of whack after all that time being the only kid at home and he will just start again.

89redballoons · 04/10/2022 23:02

I'm crying every day after collection imagining how these poor bitten children and what their parents think!

If it helps, my DS has been bitten many times in nursery. In some cases I don't know who the biter was; other times he's told me. I don't really think much about the biting child or their parents. I just think they're being toddlers and I trust nursery and the people parents to deal with it.

Landlubber2019 · 04/10/2022 23:06

Try not to stress, biting phases are very common and the nursery should be doing everything they can do to protect the other children. You can not remove him from tricky situations and expect him to learn how to navigate these difficulties.

Be consistent around behaviours so the message is clear so decide now how to deal with this phase and others, which will arise in the future

user1471540245 · 04/10/2022 23:17

In the nicest possible way YABU.

I have been on both sides of this. DS (now 7) was bitten repeatedly at nursery. I was upset for him but accepted that these things happen with toddlers, spoke to nursery and trusted them to deal with the biter. It passed when the biter became more able to vocalise.

DD (now 5) turned into a biter, aged 2. I was mortified. I felt FAR worse being the parent of the biter than the bitten! Irrationally I felt so guilty. Nursery dealt with it, we were firm in our response at home. The phase passed.

Keep your BS in his routine. He will grow out of it.

surreygirl1987 · 04/10/2022 23:32

Mine had a biting phase. He would bite kids multiple times in a day. They kept on top of it and eventually he just stopped. Now a lovely almost 4 year old - no biting or aggression whatsoever. Just work through it.

When my second baby was born when my son was 21 months, he did behave quite aggressively towards him (trying to push him etc) and I couldn't leave them alone together. Again, now the baby is 2 they are best buddies. They go through phases.

Apollonia1 · 04/10/2022 23:52

My 2.5 year old twins both bite each other. Thankfully, it happens rarely now, so they seem to be growing out if it.

I bought a book "Teeth are not for Biting" and we read it twice every day to them. It helped them understand that biting is not nice.

Now they say to me "no biting, only hugs and kisses".

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 05/10/2022 00:48

I feel for you. I had twin biters - it was awful. I was so upset and embarrassed by it, we did all the right things but they just had to grow out of it.

They did, by the way, and never bit their baby brother when he came along.

You need to trust nursery. This isn't something new to them. And as mortifying as it is to you, they genuinely won't be judging you for it!

BeardieWeirdie · 05/10/2022 01:09

Everyone saying it’s normal must not appreciate how awful it is to find that your child has teeth shaped bruises on them and bleeding after another has bitten them. If be fuming a child was repeatedly biting mine and would insist that it stop immediately or my child would be withdrawn. There’s only one nursery in my town so that would be a nightmare for me to work out.

TwistofFate · 05/10/2022 03:07

Unfortunately, it's a normal and common for toddlers to go through a biting and hitting stage. I was so upset when my DD went through this phase, she mostly bit me and DH but nursery told me she bit a kid she adores once. My advice would be trust the nursery to handle it (they will have seen it all before) there and try to be consistent when he does it at home, swapping strategies leads to confusion. If my DD bit me or DH when we were holding her then we immediately put her down in a safe place and said "biting hurts", and we wouldn't pick her back up again until she had calmed down and asked for a hug. Trying to spot when she's becoming frustrated and intervening before she gets overwhelmed with distraction or diversion also helps. It will pass.

JaneorEleven · 05/10/2022 04:10

My DD was repeatedly bitten by another kid, when she was 2. I complained, and eventually, I ended up moving her into another class in the same facility.

It is horrible to see bite marks, bleeding and bruising on your child, and I don’t think anyone should be on the receiving end of bites. It impacted her confidence for some time, and played a part on some regression she went through, with avoidance towards preschool.

It needs to be dealt with, by school and parents. And I say this as a parent who dealt with a toddler who was fond of pushing other toddlers, due to a speech delay and other factors.

piscesangel · 05/10/2022 04:40

I'm really surprised by so many people saying that it's just a phase and not to worry. That's a lot of bitten children if it has been going on daily for a month! The nursery my kids went to were much more strict on this - as OP has suggested it can otherwise become a learned behaviour in the setting and spread to others. I would look at moving to another setting as I don't think the current nursery are managing it properly if it's remaining such an issue.

properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 07:59

Yes my child gets bitten and I like to know the nursery has a plan in place to deal with the biter. It's heartbreaking.

TeddyTonks · 05/10/2022 09:18

To be honest I'd expect nursery to have put in place shadowing far far earlier than this. Even if not possible all the time, for specific periods or events where they know there is a trigger. As others have said lots of toddlers do this, and it is 'one of those things', however that doesn't mean it should become accepted, and nursery should have been a lot more proactive in dealing with this, in my opinion.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/10/2022 09:44

I think this will get better when he can talk a bit better.

I know how awful it feels, one of mine went through this phase.

The book that nursery gave us helped a lot (teeth are not for biting or something?) but it naturally got a bit better once they could name their emotions a bit