Do you feel like you've failed if ex has a new partner and you don't?

crochetmonkey74 · 2022-10-04T13:06:00+00:00

I'm in this position - and I feel this really keenly- like somehow I am a failure as I haven't found anyone else- I don't know why I feel like this, but I do! Help me cure myself of such a damaging thought process!

Teadrinkingmumofone · 04/10/2022 14:09

If your aim was to separate and see who could get a new partner the quickest then yes, I guess you failed. Of course if that wasn't your aim ( I would assume not) then no you haven't failed. There is, hopefully, more to your life than getting another partner.

crumpet · 04/10/2022 14:11

I didn’t. Ex remarried, had a child, and I stayed single for about 10 years. It was hard at times, but more from the perspective of bringing up the children and working full time , with no-one to share the load with except when they were with him. But at the same time I wasn’t interested in dating or finding a new relationship. It was pretty full on and I valued my time to myself when I got it. 10 years on, and I ended up in a relationship almost by chance. I don’t regret any of it.

HardLanding · 04/10/2022 14:14

Nope.

The first left me for OW. That lasted about 18 months as she had expected him to leave me and DCs, however he wanted to see them EOW plus the in between Sunday for the afternoon and took work holidays to spend extra time with them and text me for regular updates as they were only toddlers when he left. I did it because he left me, not them. She did not like it. He’s been single ever since.

Second was an abusive arsehole who has had countless girlfriends since we split up 5 years ago, and whilst I do get a knot in my stomach every time I hear he’s shacked up with someone else, it’s out of concern for them, not because I want a relationship.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/10/2022 14:15

Teadrinkingmumofone · 04/10/2022 14:09

If your aim was to separate and see who could get a new partner the quickest then yes, I guess you failed. Of course if that wasn't your aim ( I would assume not) then no you haven't failed. There is, hopefully, more to your life than getting another partner.

This. There’s no “right” amount of time for which you should stay single or for finding somebody new. If you’re just desperate to find somebody to be with rather than somebody right for you then you’ll likely be in the same position as you are now a couple of years down the line. Give yourself the best opportunity for a next long term successful relationship by taking the time to stay single until you’ve properly worked through your last relationship and breakup, and being discerning about who you date.

SpinningFloppa · 04/10/2022 14:17

No but I always knew
my ex would move on first , as I was the one left with the kids whereas he was able to have plenty of free time to date

Autumntime2022 · 04/10/2022 14:24

No I purposely stayed single for a year to make sure the kids were ok - he went from gf to gf.

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 04/10/2022 14:30

No but it does seem terribly unfair when they’re a tosser and you know you bring far more to the table than they ever did/could.

I think my most recent ex has banged half of London since we split last year and I can guarantee he has a new girlfriend (he openly admits he doesn’t fair well living alone/being alone).

Anyway, he really is a terrible, narcissistic person who breaks you down with what I can now see as his emotional abuse. So it feels wrong that I am the one single while he’s just jumped to someone else.

However, I do remind myself that I could also be with someone if I just wanted to not be alone but that’s not my thing. So I’m comparing apples with oranges.

(I do understand that not all situations/people/breakups are the same so my thoughts may seem unreasonable who wasn’t with someone absolutely awful.)

Chdjdn · 04/10/2022 14:30

No especially as from what I’ve seen men often move on quickly and it’s not necessarily someone they stay with whereas women are perhaps a bit more cautious and if there’s kids then logistically it’s harder too

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 04/10/2022 14:52

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/10/2022 14:15

This. There’s no “right” amount of time for which you should stay single or for finding somebody new. If you’re just desperate to find somebody to be with rather than somebody right for you then you’ll likely be in the same position as you are now a couple of years down the line. Give yourself the best opportunity for a next long term successful relationship by taking the time to stay single until you’ve properly worked through your last relationship and breakup, and being discerning about who you date.

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This is such kind advice gently given . Really helps thank you!

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SweetSenorita · 04/10/2022 15:02

No.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/10/2022 15:08

Nope. My ex left for OW nine years ago. After what the pair of them put me through, I don't think I'll ever go near a man again. I remain happily single.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 04/10/2022 15:09

It's an odd feeling. I somehow feel that he has 'won'

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blobby10 · 04/10/2022 15:15

crochetmonkey74 I feel the same - split with exH in 2015 and amicably divorced within a year. He got remarried in 2019 (2 days before what would have been our silver wedding anniversary which stung) but I was dating someone and having fun so whilst it niggled, I wasn't too upset.

My relationship has now ended (had been slowly dying since early 2020 if I'm honest) and I am slowly reconciling to never finding my soulmate, The One etc. I do go through stages of 'What if' and 'Why wasn't I enough' combined with 'He wasn't right for me so why do I care that he's happy and I'm not'!! I'm lucky that I can recognise when these stages are happening, recognise they are a stage and allow myself some wallowing before putting the feelings back in the box where they belong. But its not easy.

hesbeen2021 · 04/10/2022 15:28

No
My feeling is that the only people to think this way would be people who define themselves by the relationships they're in
I stayed single, ex had partner after partner. I concentrated on bringing up my children and giving them a good education, home and security. I'm the winner

arethereanyleftatall · 04/10/2022 15:35

Nope, not at all. In fact, I think it's funny and im smug. I'm free, and living the dream . I know which of the two of us is happier right now, and it isn't him.

tuttifruit · 04/10/2022 15:36

Just because they've got a new relationship don't assume they've won and their life is perfect - most relationships have problems and they may end up breaking up and he would have to 'start over' again. Equally, your soul mate could be just around the corner! And extra time by yourself will help you get to know yourself more and what you want from your next relationship, which is better than rushing into something new. So don't fret

Isaidnoalready · 04/10/2022 15:40

It's uncomfortable my ex always said I would never find anyone like him (abusive arshole) he was wrong the reason I'm single is because I'm trying to find someone NOT like him

Still makes me feel sad and lonely though

Googlecanthelpme · 04/10/2022 15:47

You only feel like he’s “won” because you’ve made up an imaginary competition.

If you remind yourself that it’s not a competition, that there is more to life than frantically finding a new partner and stop concerning yourself with his life then you’ll feel better.

The best revenge is to live well and be happy. Not shack up with someone else as quickly as possible to prove you’re not a loser.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 04/10/2022 15:54

Nope. I'm far to bloody busy to muck about with men at the moment anyway, and I just don't have the heart for it.

Personally I think it reflects much more poorly on him that he abandoned his kids and ran off with a new woman immediately.

mathanxiety · 04/10/2022 15:55

No, because I knew something about exH that he definitely hadn't told the new love of his life.

NippyWoowoo · 04/10/2022 16:03

There is, hopefully, more to your life than getting another partner.

This. The sooner we stop seeing having a partner as a 'success' the sooner we will stop settling for men/partners that don't make us happy.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 04/10/2022 17:10

Googlecanthelpme · 04/10/2022 15:47

You only feel like he’s “won” because you’ve made up an imaginary competition.

If you remind yourself that it’s not a competition, that there is more to life than frantically finding a new partner and stop concerning yourself with his life then you’ll feel better.

The best revenge is to live well and be happy. Not shack up with someone else as quickly as possible to prove you’re not a loser.

I'm not doing this

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Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 04/10/2022 17:11

blobby10 · 04/10/2022 15:15

crochetmonkey74 I feel the same - split with exH in 2015 and amicably divorced within a year. He got remarried in 2019 (2 days before what would have been our silver wedding anniversary which stung) but I was dating someone and having fun so whilst it niggled, I wasn't too upset.

My relationship has now ended (had been slowly dying since early 2020 if I'm honest) and I am slowly reconciling to never finding my soulmate, The One etc. I do go through stages of 'What if' and 'Why wasn't I enough' combined with 'He wasn't right for me so why do I care that he's happy and I'm not'!! I'm lucky that I can recognise when these stages are happening, recognise they are a stage and allow myself some wallowing before putting the feelings back in the box where they belong. But its not easy.

Yes I recognise this - the bit about putting the feelings back in the box- definitely!

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Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 04/10/2022 17:11

NippyWoowoo · 04/10/2022 16:03

There is, hopefully, more to your life than getting another partner.

This. The sooner we stop seeing having a partner as a 'success' the sooner we will stop settling for men/partners that don't make us happy.

I wonder why we do see it as a success?

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balalake · 04/10/2022 17:13

If he (or she) is an awful human being, then you should feel for the person concerned. Such as Carrie Johnson, as some people such as Boris Johnson deserve to be single.