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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To call SS

38 replies

jgc1232 · 04/10/2022 12:12

I’ve name changed for this as I feel like the worst mum and I've messed up somehow.

My son is 15, I had him at 16, split with his dad when he was a baby as he was abusive but DS would've been only a few months old so he doesn't remember, although he has seen his dad shout at me when he got older. I raised him practically on my own for 4 years as his dad only saw him a handful of times, I then got into a relationship with DP and ex wanted to know then and we agreed every other weekend, although it was more like once every few months as he wasn't reliable at all.

His behaviour has always been challenging, nothing too bad, but as As soon as year 7 hit he was like a different boy, we put it down to him being a preteen but he told us his dad was physically and emotionally abusing him, we believed him and he hasn't seen his dad since, he has had counselling but he started to refuse to go.

We then went into lockdown, and his behaviour got worse but it was manageable, this year his behaviour is out of my control, got his gf (at the time) pregnant, his attitude is awful, he's hit me a few times, comes home drunk, smokes weed, skips school- he's only been to school 5 times this academic year and has been sent home 2 of those times for his fighting. Today, I've taken all his things off of him and said he can't go out until he goes to school and he hit me, I feel like the worst mum but I'm thinking of just calling social services and saying I don't want him living with me which breaks my heart as I do love him but I can't control his behaviour and it's probably only going to get worse, AIBU?

OP posts:
Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 04/10/2022 12:20

Yes, definitely ring SS and ask for help.

CountessWindyBottom · 04/10/2022 12:22

Have you had him assessed by a psychologist?

Catupatree123 · 04/10/2022 12:32

There is no shame in asking for help, both for you and your son.

Trainbear · 04/10/2022 12:43

You are being abused by him. That is not right. It sounds like he needs help, and soc Serv’s are the right people to start it.

Hymnulop · 04/10/2022 12:48

He's been abused, he told you and is now not coping at all. You've kind of brushed over the abuse - by his own dad - that is such a huge thing. He's acting out. Please don't abandon him yet - try and get him engaged with some proper help first.

Hymnulop · 04/10/2022 12:49

Hymnulop · 04/10/2022 12:48

He's been abused, he told you and is now not coping at all. You've kind of brushed over the abuse - by his own dad - that is such a huge thing. He's acting out. Please don't abandon him yet - try and get him engaged with some proper help first.

Sorry I meant you've brushed over the abuse in your post, not just in general.

Kissingfrogs25 · 04/10/2022 12:54

His childhood has damaged him deeply, call SS and ask for help. You are being violently abused and that can not continue. Sorry op, it sounds so hard.

jgc1232 · 04/10/2022 13:23

I paid for counselling a few years ago and he went to a few sessions but started refusing and he still isn't interested, he was referred to cahms for his behaviour and he won't go to any appointments.

OP posts:
Underhisi · 04/10/2022 13:28

You should ring SS for help but they probably won't remove him.

TimeforZeroes · 04/10/2022 13:32

Oh OP I’m sorry. Did his girlfriend have the baby? Does he have contact with a small child?

Dhik · 04/10/2022 13:35

You should call the police when he hits you. You need to put the fear of god in him.

Neverfullycharged · 04/10/2022 13:44

There are some 'fixes' that are repeatedly pushed on Mumsnet that are not suitable for all.

Client-centred counselling doesn't work for many neurodivergent people, for example. CBT isn't particularly helpful for complex trauma (and can exacerbate it, in some instances). Mindfulness is not recommended for people with a history of psychotic episodes.

Likewise, with SS, they aren’t really a hand holding support based organisation. If you changed the locks and refused to let him in they’d have to intervene but otherwise I’m not sure what they’d do.

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 04/10/2022 13:45

Didn't you post this yesterday?

jgc1232 · 04/10/2022 13:47

His ex is still pregnant but I'm not sure if he'll have contact as when she first told him she was pregnant he did seem scared (of course) but he did want to be involved, they split up in the summer and now he doesn't seem that interested.

I did think about calling the police but I thought that might make him worse

OP posts:
jgc1232 · 04/10/2022 13:49

Yes, I posted this yesterday but I reposted as I didn't get many replies on that thread and he's hit me again this morning and I just don't know what to do anymore

OP posts:
CaptainMum · 04/10/2022 13:57

You do need SS. The abuse of him and by him needs to be reported to protect the unborn baby and ex girlfriend too. Sadly this cycle could continue.

jgc1232 · 04/10/2022 14:38

I’m just worried I'll be judged if I tell SS I don't want him living here anymore as I'm his mum and we used to be really close when he was younger and there still are times where he shows his loving side, but that's become even more rare recently.

OP posts:
jgc1232 · 04/10/2022 16:20

DS has now apologised for hitting me earlier and has agreed to talk properly tonight about his behaviour but I don't know what to do for the best as I also have a younger DC

OP posts:
1dontunderstand · 04/10/2022 16:25

Would Family counselling help?

georgarina · 04/10/2022 16:28

How old is he? x

jgc1232 · 04/10/2022 17:24

It might help but I'm not sure if he'd agree to it. He turned 15 at the end of August

OP posts:
jgc1232 · 04/10/2022 18:29

I'm not sure if reporting him to the police is the right thing to do but I'm not sure what to do anymore, DS2 was playing on the Xbox and DS1 asked him to give him the controller, DS2 said no as he was playing a game, DS1 then pushed him and tried to grab the controller but DP separated them, DS1 then hit him and he's now gone out no idea where he's gone, I just don't know what to do for the best, I've always thought he has ADHD but school etc have always said no he's just misbehaving so he's never gotten any support if he does have it

OP posts:
SadSuzie · 04/10/2022 18:36

How old is DS2?

jgc1232 · 04/10/2022 18:57

DS2 is 7

OP posts:
OldTinHat · 04/10/2022 19:44

I think you'll find SS will be a great help and support. I referred myself and my DS when he was 17 and they were excellent.