To call SS

[jgc1232]

I’ve name changed for this as I feel like the worst mum and I've messed up somehow.

My son is 15, I had him at 16, split with his dad when he was a baby as he was abusive but DS would've been only a few months old so he doesn't remember, although he has seen his dad shout at me when he got older. I raised him practically on my own for 4 years as his dad only saw him a handful of times, I then got into a relationship with DP and ex wanted to know then and we agreed every other weekend, although it was more like once every few months as he wasn't reliable at all.

His behaviour has always been challenging, nothing too bad, but as As soon as year 7 hit he was like a different boy, we put it down to him being a preteen but he told us his dad was physically and emotionally abusing him, we believed him and he hasn't seen his dad since, he has had counselling but he started to refuse to go.

We then went into lockdown, and his behaviour got worse but it was manageable, this year his behaviour is out of my control, got his gf (at the time) pregnant, his attitude is awful, he's hit me a few times, comes home drunk, smokes weed, skips school- he's only been to school 5 times this academic year and has been sent home 2 of those times for his fighting. Today, I've taken all his things off of him and said he can't go out until he goes to school and he hit me, I feel like the worst mum but I'm thinking of just calling social services and saying I don't want him living with me which breaks my heart as I do love him but I can't control his behaviour and it's probably only going to get worse, AIBU?

I know its only been a few hours but DS isn't home and he's not got his phone and he usually doesn't come home until after midnight so I'm worried and I'm not sure when (or If I should at all) report him as missing

I think I will call SS tomorrow and maybe his school, to see if there's someone there that could help

Sorry you're going through this OP. If you feel like you need help, ask for it. SS are there to help parents who are struggling. I was an awful teen not far off from what you've described and I drove my mother(lone parent) and grandparents round the bend to the point to the point where they considered SS. It didn't come to that in the end as I started accepting help. As far as reporting missing, I'm not sure how much the police would help given the situation but it's worth a shot. Sorry I can't offer much help.

There is an organisation called PEGS, they have a Facebook group and website for children that are violent towards their parents that might be helpful. Also they do parenting courses on how to reduce risk. I find SS helpful but also at a loss what to do sometimes although it's nice to be told that I am doing everything I can. Hope you get some help and support.

Also if you report your child missing in our area and then they turn up someone will still come round to home or school the next day to try and help and can maybe suggest some other agencies do referrals for you.

Oh sweetheart

I’ve had similar xxx

call social services and get their help
get yourself in that radar

the best thing for this behaviour is

lots of deep self care for you
throw everything you can at looking after yourself
and then some more , this is tough as hell

join parenting mental health on Facebook
you are not alone , in no way x

try and get into Non violent resistance ( haim Omer started it )
is the best approach for this challenge bar none
they run courses , but social services can help acess

I've just had a phone call and he's at his friends house so I'm going to pick him up soon, as the friends mum did say he seems calm and agreed to her calling me, so I'll try and talk to him but not mention school yet in case there are some issues going on - like bullying etc, but that there is. I'll phone social services tomorrow and the school but I'm not going to push him to go as he probably will just get himself sent home anyway by fighting if he doesn't want to be there, some of you may judge as this is his GCSE year but I think the priority is his behaviour atm

Social services won't remove him from your care. They will offer support and probably Early Help (or whatever you have in your area) and parenting courses and referrals to various things, all of which I would accept. If they offer multi systemic therapy you could give that a go.

I would call the police every time he hits you. How else will he learn that it is a criminal offence?

Do you have supportive family members he can stay with when it gets too much for you?

It's too late for an ADHD diagnosis to make any difference, sadly. All you can do at this stage is firefight and wait for him to grow up and calm down. Look after yourself and your younger child in the meantime.

I would call social services.

I would also contact the parents of the pregnant ex-girlfriend and make sure they are aware that your son is having problems with violence. How they advise their daughter in the coming months needs to be attuned to potential domestic violence.

Your son has a child on the way so I think you better consider whether reporting him to social services or the police is wise. What would the repercussions be if he seeks contact with his newborn child?
Are you able to deal with this yourself or with family support? I’d support him if I were you as much as possible. Don’t treat him like a child as he is really a young adult now. Lots of young people end up in a physical standoff with parents. He has apologised and shown remorse which is good.
Maybe take the opportunity to speak to him about domestic abuse towards women and how it’s unacceptable, be that towards partners, ex’s or mothers.

Thanks for your replies everyone, BIL is supportive but it's not possible for him to stay with him unfortunately

He seems much calmer now but I've decided not to talk to him tonight, we talked a bit in the car and he asked if we can go out tomorrow and I've agreed as I think the 1 on 1 time will do us good, especially him as he might tell me why he's behaving like this

Hi ss here 👍 yes call them you need help. Sounds like your blaming yourself a lot. You shouldn’t. It’s obvious you love him or else you wouldn’t be here asking. Sounds like you have given him a lot of love and understanding, and sometimes we need support to keep going. Call them and ask for short breaks team xx

Your DS7 is witnessing domestic violence so SS will get involved.

They will also get involved in a pre birth assessment of your grandchild as the father is violent.

Definitely call SS. It's a bit of a postcode lottery but some areas have good teams that work with teens.