To say I’m unwell so can’t go to a birthday

[alwayscake]

I’m on maternity leave and things are very tight now I’ve dropped to statutory pay. My good friend on my birthday came out with me for drinks and a meal so I feel I have to do the same for her.

A surprise meal has been arranged by her best friend and I’m also supposed to go out drinking with her on her actual birthday. This is a few days apart. I can’t choose one I can’t afford to do either.

I’ve had to pay out for things for my baby and it’s left me with nothing. Im struggling with my credit card and i really can’t afford to put anymore on so I’m feeling sick with guilt about not going but also if I do go I’m worried about the financial pressure I’ll be putting on myself.

I was considering saying I’m unwell. AIBU?

OP please don't worry and definitely don't go. If they are a really good friend I would tell them that you really can't afford it but if you don't want to or think they won't understand then just say you're unwell.

If you were my friend I wouldn't want you putting yourself under any stress to come to a birthday do. YANBU.

I’ve already said I would go, I’m so stupid :(

I feel like you should be honest and just say money is tight at the mo. If she's a good friend she'll be understanding. I've had the odd friend be completely honest in that regard.
Perhaps you can invite her round for some nibbles or lunch instead?

If a friend messaged me to say she’s sorry but really can’t afford it then I’d be ok with it. Especially at the moment when everyone is feeling the pinch!

If this is a friend then don’t lie to them, tell the truth. I would stick to the arrangement you’ve already made to see your friend on her birthday because it would be horrible for her to be let down for the day and she did the same for you, but decline the extra surprise arranged by the other friend.

I would lie, I’d just say the truth. Any good friend would understand. Maybe suggest something free/cheap to do with her separately to celebrate her birthday - invite her round or go for a walk/coffee etc.

It’s up to you really. I would just explain that I can’t afford to go out. It’s not like she is left without a celebration. It’s nice and kind to reciprocate gifts and treats but Friendships should not be transactional. Ever escalating asks for gifts and nights out are unrealistic.

It will be quite hard to keep up the unwell excuse if she offers another date.

I’d be honest with your friend, say you’re stressed with money/credit card and just can’t afford it.

Invite her to yours for coffee and make a her little birthday cake instead.

Or if you can’t stretch, go for a couple of drinks but not the meal then leave early.

I’m sure she’ll understand if your honest. Saying you’re unwell, she’ll probably know it’s an excuse and may be hurt as she won’t know why.

I think it’s because I feel embarrassed.

Yes, this. If they're a good friend, they might well offer to meet up with you soon, and being ill only works once or twice. If they're a close friend, be honest. Then if you both want to meet up sometime soon, you could do something cheaper like meet up for a walk in the park.

Be honest with her. She should understand. Ask her round to yours for wine and nibbles another night.

I'm sorry things are so tough for you.

Could you go for drinks but not drink alcohol?

Phone her and be honest if she's a really good friend. It's much more personal than a text or recorded voice message. A quick WhatsApp looks like a random cba but a phonecall gives you a chance for real communication.

If she's not such a good/ close/ long term friend that you feel comfortable being open about your finances then a white lie to say you're ill is okay as long as you know you're not going to "out" yourself bumping into her playing energetically with your child at the park (or posting happy, healthy, family photos on social media).

If she's a good friend, she'll understand. Can you think of anything you could do to celebrate with minimal costs? Get a take away coffee and go for a walk somewhere?

Be honest with her! I'd be upset if I knew my friend was stressing about this, and even worse if I found out she put herself in a bad financial situation for my birthday.

Good luck x

I'm sorry OP, it is rubbish to be in this situation. I will be on SMP soon and it is really shit. I would not lie to your friend, she may just want to bump it to the next week and that wouldn't help. A friend would be grand with it and would not want you stressing. Just tell her and invite her round for lunch or/and wine or something. It is more about spending time with her than the drinking bit surely?

Just send a message saying 'I am so sorry but we have had some unexpected bills and I just can't afford to socialise.' It si fine. If your friends will not be OK with that, they are not actually friends.

Hi OP, I would go back and say you're really sorry but have been looking at finances and with the baby coming you've realised things are a bit more tight but would love to celebrate with her when you are able or invite her round for tea and cake to celebrate on another day. If you lie it could lead to further lies, E.g. further invites. You really have nothing to feel guilty or embarrassed about, I have a 4 month old and I nearly hit the credit limit on my credit card preparing for to arrive! Racking up the credit card for a new baby is one thing but adding to it when you don't need to or want to isn't going to help in the long run!!

Personally I would skip the meal and go for just one (soft) drink - lime and soda is a great go to on a budget.

I generally would prefer my friends didn't know financial affairs but if pushed just say things are very tight

She's your friend, you should be able to tell her the truth.

Why not suggest she comes to yours some time for a drink and cake, or lunch (even if only a sandwich), you could make a bit more of it and go out for a walk.

Effort for friends doesnt need to vost money.

I would be honest and say 'I feel embarrassed about it but I just can't afford to come out, however please would you come over on xx/xx/xx?'

Depending what your friend likes, write her a lovely card, print off some photos of her, create a quiz about her, perhaps make her something she enjoys eating. Get a bottle of wine in and have an evening in. You will have put in more effort than if you'd just gone for drinks out, and it will cost less.

No need to be embarrassed, end of mat leave is really tight.

If you were my friend I'd be embarrassed that I put you in that position, I'd totally understand and suggest that we meet for coffee and cake one day. I'd bring the cake. Or, if you wanted some adult time, a few drinks and a chat one evening at home.

A true friend would never mind, they care more about you than a meal out.

I’m going to just be honest. Thanks everyone. Times are so tough :(

This. Also can you go for drinks but drive and just have a couple of soft drinks. It’s not an all or nothing. But call her and explain.

then tell the friend organising the meal that you’re so sorry but can’t afford it.

the problem with lying is that if she doesn’t believe you, or finds out you’re out and about with your baby when saying you’re too I’ll for her then the friendship is gone.

Just be honest, if she's a good friend she'll more than understand. Everyone's struggling right now please don't be embarrassed.